Clerks. Page #10

- I'm happy.

- You're happy to get a fine ?

- No, because Caitlin came to see me.

- Now l know you're lyin'.

- I'm not. She just left.

- What'd she say ?

She's not marrying that guy.

She went home to tell her mom.

- You're kiddin'.

- I'm not.

Well, you've had quite an evening.

She went home and she's getting ready

and we're going out.

I feel so ineffectual.

Is there anything l can do for you ?

Watch the store

while l go home and change ?

What happened to

""Title dictates behavior"" ?

Well, this is my way

of spitting water at life.

All right. You want me to bring

the VCR over so we can watch this ?

No, l might be leaving early

to go out with Caitlin,

in which case, you're gonna lock up

the store tonight.

All right, but you're missin' out.

Chicks with d*cks.

MUSICMUSIC [ ""Berserker"" On Tape Deck ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Man Moaning ]

- [ Woman ] Uh, no. Oh.

Well, Randal Graves,

scourge of the video renter.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian

Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree.

You saw that article ? God, isn't

it awful ? My mother sent that in.

- l take it she likes the guy.

- You'd think she's marrying him.

- What are you watching ?

- Children's programming.

What'd your mom say when you told her

you weren't engaged anymore ?

She said not to come home

until after graduation.

Wow ! You got thrown out for Dante ?

What can l say ?

He does weird things to me.

- Ooh, can l watch ?

- You can hold me down.

- Can l join in ?

- You might be let down.

- I'm not a hermaphrodite.

- Hey, few are.

What makes you think you can maintain a

relationship with him this time around ?

A woman's intuition.

Something inside of me says it's time

to give the old boy a serious try.

Wow ! Hey, you know,

you and l have something in common.

- We both eat Chinese.

- [ Scoffs ] Dick.

- Exactly.

- So where is he ?

He went home to change for the big date.

- God, isn't he great ?

- No. This is great.

Oh, lord.

Can l use your bathroom ?

- There's no lights back there.

- Why aren't there any lights ?

There are, but for some reason

they stop working at 5:14 every night.

- You're kidding.

- Nobody can figure it out.

The boss doesn't want

to pay the electrician to fix it...

'cause the electrician

owes money to the video store.

- Such a sordid state of affairs.

- And I'm caught in the middle,

torn between my loyalty for the boss and

my desire to piss with the lights on.

Well, I'll try to manage.

Oh, hey, Caitlin ?

Break his heart again this time,

and I'll kill ya.

Nothing personal.

You are very protective of him, Randal.

You always have been.

Territoriality.

He was mine first.

Oh, that was so cute.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Bed Squeaking,

People Moaning On Video ]

Who eats cock ?

Bunch of savages in this town.

Hey, Caitlin's in the back.

You might want to check on her.

- She's been back there a long time.

- There are no lights back there.

I told her that.

She said she didn't need any.

Why don't you go join her ?

Make a little bathroom bam-bam.

Oh, l love your sexy talk.

It's so kindergarten.

- ""Poo-poo,"" ""wee-wee.""

- F*** you.

[ Door Opening ]

[ Woman Moaning On Video ]

[ Man On Video ]

I said stop.

- [ Woman ] Oh, God.

- [ Man ] it's all about pain,

you bastard !

[ Woman Moaning On Video ]

How did you get here so fast ?

I left like an hour ago.

Do you always talk this weird

after you violate a woman ?

Maybe the Asian design major

slipped her some opium.

- Could be.

- it has never been like that before.

Like what ?

When you just lay perfectly still

and let me do everything.

Am l missing something here ?

Okay.

I went back there

and Dante was already waiting for me.

- He was ?

- it was so cool.

He didn't say a word.

He didn't have to.

[ Sighs ]

He was just... ready.

You know. And, like,

we didn't kiss or talk or anything.

He just sat there

and let me do all the work.

You dog !

I didn't even see you go back there.

The fact that there

weren't any lights on made it so--

God, that was so great !

My legs are still shaking.

- it wasn't me.

- [ Scoffs ]

Yeah, right.

Who was it, then ? Randal ?

- Was it you ?

- l was up here the whole time.

- You two better quit it.

- I'm serious.

Oh, so we didn't

just have sex in the bathroom ?

No.

Stop it.

This isn't funny.

I'm not fooling around.

I just came in from outside.

- This isn't f***ing funny, Dante.

- I'm not kidding.

- Who went back there ?

- Nobody. l swear.

- l feel nauseous.

- Are you sure there was

someone back there ?

Well, l didn't just f*** myself !

Jesus Christ !

- God, I'm gonna be sick !

- You just f***ed a total stranger ?

- Shut the f*** up !

- l can't believe this.

- Call the police.

- Why ?

- No, don't !

There's a stranger in our bathroom !

He just raped Caitlin !

- She said she did all the work.

- Will you shut the f*** up ?

Who the f***'s in our bathroom ?

[ Woman ]

Who is he ?

[ Dante ] l don't know. He just came in

and asked to use the bathroom.

- What time was this ?

- l don't know.

What time did hockey end ?

Um, like 3:
00, 3:30.

-What time we get back from the funeral?

-4:
00, l think.

- Wait. Who was working here ?

- Just me.

I thought you just said you went to

play hockey and then went to a funeral.

- Yeah, we did.

- Then who was operating the store ?

- Nobody. it was closed.

- With this guy locked in here ?

Well, everything happened so quickly,

I guess l forgot he was back there.

- [ Man ] Can we take it now ?

- Go ahead.

Was he alive when Caitlin--

No. l place the time

of death about 3:20.

Then how could she-- You know.

[ Coroner ]

The body can maintain an erection

after expiration, sometimes for hours.

Did he have the adult magazine

when he came in ?

Uh, no. l gave it to him.

He asked me for it.

I can't say for certain until we get

him back to the lab, but my guess is...

he was masturbating,

his heart seized and he died.

That's when the girl found him.

[ Sniffing ]

Uh, something smells

Like shoe polish.

This has got to be the weirdest thing

you've ever been called in on.

Actually, l once had

to tag a kid that broke his neck

trying to put his mouth on his penis.

What about Caitlin ?

[ Coroner ] Shock trauma. She's gonna

need years of therapy after this.

My question is:
How did she come

to have sex with a dead man ?

She thought it was me.

What kind of convenience store

do you run here ?

[ Siren Blaring ]

MUSICMUSIC [ Humming ""Theme from Jaws"" ]

Salsa shark.

""We're gonna need a bigger boat.""

Man goes into cage,

cage goes into salsa.

Shark's in the salsa.

Our shark.

Oh, what ?

What's with you, man ?

You haven't said anything

for, like, 20 minutes.

What the hell's your problem ?

- [ Sighs ] This life.

- ""This life"" ?

Why do l have this life ?

Have some chips.

You'll feel better.

I'm stuck in this pit,

working for less than slave wages,

working on my day off.

The goddamn steel shutters are closed.

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