Clerks Page #11

RANDAL:

That's not cheating. People say crazy

sh*t during sex. One time, I called

this girl "Mom."

DANTE:

I hit the lights and she freaks.

Turns out she thought I was Brad

Michaelson.

RANDAL:

What do you mean?

DANTE:

She was supposed to meet Brad

Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked

the wrong one. She had no idea I was

even at the party.

RANDAL:

Oh, my God.

DANTE:

Great story, isn't it?

RANDAL:

That girl was vile to you.

DANTE:

Interesting postscript to that story:

Do you know who wound up going with

Brad Michaelson in the other dark

bedroom?

RANDAL:

Your mother.

DANTE:

Allan Harris.

RANDAL:

Chess team Allan Harris?!

DANTE:

The two moved to Idaho together after

graduation. They raise sheep.

RANDAL:

That's frightening.

DANTE:

It takes different strokes to move

the world.

RANDAL:

In light of this lurid tale, I don't

see how you could even romanticize

your relationship with Caitlin-she

broke your heart and inadvertently

drove men to deviant lifestyles.

DANTE:

Because there was a lot of good in

our relationship.

RANDAL:

Oh yeah.

DANTE:

I'm serious. Aside from the cheating,

we were a great couple. That's what

high school's all about-algebra, bad

lunch, and infidelity.

RANDAL:

You think things would be any

different now?

DANTE:

They are. When she calls me now,

she's a different person-she's

frightened and vulnerable. She's

about to finish college and enter

the real world. That's got to be

scary for anyone.

RANDAL:

(suddenly recalling)

Oh sh*t, I've got to place an order.

DANTE:

I'm talking to myself here.

RANDAL:

No, no, I'm listening. She's leaving

college, and...?

DANTE:

...and she's looking to me for

support. And I think that this is

leading our relationship to a new

level.

RANDAL:

What about Veronica?

DANTE:

I think the arguments Veronica and I

are having are some kind of

manifestation of a subconscious desire

to break away from her so that I can

pursue the possibility of a more

meaningful relationship with Caitlin.

RANDAL:

Caitlin's on the same wave-length?

DANTE:

I think it's safe to say yes.

RANDAL:

Then I think all four of you had

better sit down and talk it over.

DANTE:

All four?

RANDAL:

You, Veronica, Caitlin...

(lays paper flat)

...and Caitlin's fiancé.

THE HEADLINE of the engagement announcement reads, BREE TO

WED ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR.

CUT TO:

INT:
VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

RANDAL:

Yes, I'd like to place an order,

please... Thank you.

A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

MOTHER:

Excuse me, but do you sell videotapes?

RANDAL:

What were you looking for?

MOTHER:

(smiling)

It's called Happy Scrappy-The Hero

Pup.

SMALL CHILD:

Happy Scrappy!

RANDAL:

I'm on the phone with the distribution

house now. Let me make sure they

have it. What's it called again?

MOTHER:

Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

SMALL CHILD:

Happy Scrappy!

MOTHER:

(more smiling)

She loves the tape.

RANDAL:

Obviously.

(to phone)

Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video

calling. Customer number four-

three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like

to place an order... Okay... I need

one each of the following tapes:

Whisper in the Wind, To Each His

Own, Put it Where It Doesn't Belong,

My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-

F***ing, Volume Eight, I Need Your

Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers,

My C*nt and Eight Shafts, Cum Clean,

Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns

Three, Cumming in a Sock, Cum on

Eileen, Huge Black C*cks with Pearly

White Cum, Slam It Up My Too-Loose

Ass, Ass Blasters in Outer Space,

Blowj*bs by Betsy, Sucking Cock and

C*nt, Finger My Ass, Play with my

Puss, Three on a Dildo, Girls Who

Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave C*nt,

Men Alone Two-The K.Y. Connection,

Pink P*ssy Lips, and All Holes Filled

with Hard Cock. Oh, and...

(to MOTHER)

What was the name of that movie?

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