Clerks Page #12

MOTHER:

(nearly dazed)

Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

RANDAL:

(on phone)

And a copy of Happy Scrappy-The Hero

Pup... Okay, thanks.

(hangs up; to MOTHER)

Sixteen forty-nine. It'll be here

Monday.

Silence. Then...

SMALL CHILD:

C*nt!

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE carries a litter box to be dumped. He pauses midstrike

and lays it on the ice cream chest. DANTE picks up the phone

and looks at the paper. He dials and waits. _

DANTE:

Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint

in today's edition... Today's

edition... It says "Bree to Wed Asian

Design Major... No, no; everything's

spelled fine. I just wanted to know

if the piece was a misprint... I

don't know, like a typographical

error or something...

A CUSTOMER comes to the counter and waits. He looks at the

litter box. A black cat suddenly jumps into it and starts

pawing around.

DANTE (O.S.)

Maybe it's supposed to be Caitlin

Bray, or Caitlin Bre, with one e...

I'm a curious party... A curious

party...

DANTE ON THE PHONE:

DANTE:

...I'm an ex-boyfriend... Well, it's

just that we talk all the time, and

she never mentioned this engagement,

which is why I'm thinking maybe it's

a misprint...

The CUSTOMER watches as the cat takes a huge dump, leaning

on its haunches to accommodate the stinky load.

DANTE (O.S.)

...Are you sure?... Maybe there's

like a vindictive printer working

for you...

DANTE ON THE PHONE:

DANTE:

Meaning like someone who maybe-I

don't know-asked her out once and

got shot down, and his revenge is

throwing this bogus article in when

the paper went to press... Hello?...

Hello?

DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his

head. He then sniffs the air.

CUT TO:

EXT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

JAY, SILENT BOB and OLAF lean against wall.

JAY:

"Not in me." That's what she says.

I gotta pull out and spank it to get

it on. So I blow a nut on her belly,

and I get out of there, just as my

uncle walks in. It was such a close

call. I tell you what, though, I

don't care if she is my cousin, I'm

gonna knock those boots again tonight.

TWO GIRLS join them.

JAY:

Oh sh*t, look who it is. The human

vacuum.

GIRL 1

Scumbag. What are you doing?

JAY:

Nothing. Just hanging out with Silent

Bob and his cousin.

GIRL 1

(to SILENT BOB)

He's your cousin?

JAY:

Check this out, he's from Russia.

GIRL 1

No way.

JAY:

I swear to God. Silent Bob, am I

lying?

SILENT BOB SHAKES HIS HEAD:

JAY:

See? And Silent Bob never told a lie

in his life.

GIRL 2

What part of Russia?

JAY:

I don't f***ing know. What am I, his

biographer?

(to OLAF)

Olaf, what part of Russia are you

from?

OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.

SILENT BOB:

(in Russian)

Home.

OLAF:

(comprehending)

Moscow.

GIRL 1

He only speaks Russian?

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