Clerks Page #13

JAY:

He knows some English, but he can't

not speak it good like we do.

GIRL 2

Is he staying here?

JAY:

He's moving to the big city next

week. He wants to be a metal singer.

GIRL 1

No way!

JAY:

Swear.

(to OLAF)

Olaf, metal!

OLAF makes a metal face.

JAY:

That's his f***ing metal face.

(to OLAF)

Olaf, girls nice?

OLAF looks the girls up and down.

OLAF:

Skrelnick.

JAY:

(laughs)

That's f***ed up.

GIRL 1

What did he say?

JAY:

I don't know, man. He's a f***ing

character.

GIRL 2

He really wants to play metal?

JAY:

He's got his own band in Moscow.

It's called "F*** Your Yankee Blue

Jeans" or something like that.

GIRL 1

That doesn't sound metal.

JAY:

You gotta hear him sing.

(to OLAF)

Olaf, "Berserker!"

OLAF laughs and shakes his head.

JAY:

Come on, man, "Berserker!"

GIRL 2

Does he sing in English or Russian?

JAY:

English.

(to OLAF)

Come on, "Berserker!" Girls think

sexy.

OLAF:

(relents)

Da. Da.

JAY:

He's gonna sing it. This is too funny.

OLAF:

(in broken English)

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK

BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MAKING

F***? BERSERKER!

JAY:

(laughing)

That's f***ing funny, man!

GIRL 1

Did he say "making f***?"

JAY:

Wait, there's more.

(to OLAF)

Olaf:
sing...

(makes pot-smoking

face)

OLAF:

(nods in understanding)

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A ROCK

BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE

SOME POT? BERSERKER!

OLAF busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.

CUT TO:

INT:
VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The

theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote, clicks

the TV off, and ponders.

CUT TO:

EXT:
VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL locks the door and walks away, while OLAF sings for

the small crowd.

OLAF:

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK

BERSERKER!WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY

COCK? BERSERKER!

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

DANTE is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can

is stuck on a MAN'S hand.

DANTE:

You hold the counter and I'll pull.

MAN:

Usually I just turn the can upside

down.

DANTE:

(pulling)

Maybe we should soap your hand or

something.

MAN:

(straining)

They oughta put some kind of warning

on these cans, like they do with

cigarettes.

DANTE:

I think it's coming now...

The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The

man rubs his hand.

MAN:

Thanks. I thought I was gonna have

to go to the hospital.

DANTE:

I'll throw this out. Precautionary

measure.

MAN:

It stings a little.

DANTE:

A word of advice: Sometimes it's

best to let those hard to reach chips

go.

DANTE steps behind the counter.

MAN:

Thanks.

The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister

away.

DANTE:

Do you know that article is accurate?

Caitlin's really getting married!

RANDAL:

You know what I just watched?

DANTE:

Me pulling a can off some moron's

fist.

RANDAL:

Return of the Jedi.

DANTE:

Didn't you hear me? Caitlin really

is getting married.

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