Clerks Page #17

DANTE:

I told him that and he yelled at me.

RANDAL snickers at his friend.

RANDAL:

What did he say?

DANTE:

He said it was important to have

standards. He said nobody has pride

anymore.

RANDAL:

It's not like you laid the eggs

yourself.

DANTE:

I'll give him five more minutes then

I'm calling the cops. I don't need

this, man. I'm not even supposed to

be here today.

A SMOKER steps in.

SMOKER:

Two packs of cigarettes.

Dante manages to break his study of the O.C. oddity and

searches for the smokes. The smoker glances at RANDAL and

then at the O.C. oddity.

The ODD MAN is spinning an egg on the floor. The SMOKER looks

at RANDAL.

RANDAL:

(Still staring at the

ODD MAN)

I'm as puzzled as you.

SMOKER:

(paying DANTE)

I've actually seen it before.

DANTE:

You know him?

SMOKER:

No, I've seen that behavior before.

Looking for the perfect carton of

eggs, right?

RANDAL:

(a bit astonished)

Yeah. How'd you know?

SMOKER:

I'll bet you a million bucks that

the guy's a guidance counselor.

DANTE:

Why do you say that?

SMOKER:

I was in the Food City last year

when the same thing happened,

different guy though. Stock boy told

me that the guy had been looking

through the eggs for like half an

hour, doing all sorts of endurance

tests and sh*t. I ask the kid how

come nobody called the manager, and

he says it happens twice a week,

sometimes more.

RANDAL:

Get out of here.

SMOKER:

I kid you not. They call it Shell

Shock. Only happens with guidance

counselors for some reason. The kid

said they used to make a big deal

about it, but there's no point.

The ODD MAN places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor.

He quickly whisks the handkerchief away to reveal the egg

still sitting on the floor.

SMOKER (O.S.)

He said they always pay for whatever

they break and they never bother

anybody.

DANTE, RANDAL and the SMOKER stare at the O.C. man.

DANTE:

Why guidance counselors?

SMOKER:

If your job served as little purpose

as theirs, wouldn't you lose it,

too?

RANDAL:

Come to think of it, my guidance

counselor was kind of worthless.

SMOKER:

(grabbing matches)

See? It's important to have a job

that makes a difference, boys. That's

why I kill Chinamen for the railroad.

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. DAY

POV RANDAL:
THE EMPTY COUNTER

And then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding

money. She can't be any more than five.

LITTLE GIRL:

(innocently)

Can I have a pack of cigarettes?

RANDAL, without looking up from his magazine, completes the

transaction. THE LITTLE GIRL puts a cigarette in her mouth.

RANDAL hands her matches. DANTE returns to the counter as

the girl skips away. Dante holds a price gun.

DANTE:

Did you ever notice all the prices

end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

RANDAL:

You know how much money the average

jizz-mopper make per hour?

DANTE:

What's a jizz-mopper?

RANDAL:

He's the guy in those nudie-booth

joints who cleans up after each guy

that jerks off.

DANTE:

Nudie booth?

RANDAL:

Nudie booth. You've never been in a

nudie booth?

DANTE:

I guess not.

A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter. DANTE rings

her up.

RANDAL:

Oh, it's great. You step into this

little booth and there's this window

between you and this naked woman,

and she puts on this little show for

like ten bucks.

DANTE:

What kind of show?

RANDAL:

Think of the weirdest, craziest sh*t

you'd like to see chicks do. These

chicks do it all. They insert things

into any opening in their body...

any opening.

(to customer)

He's led a very sheltered life.

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