Clerks Page #18

DANTE:

(indicating CUSTOMER)

Can we talk about this later?

RANDAL:

The jizz-mopper's job is to clean up

the booths afterward, because

practically everybody shoots a load

against the window, and I don't know

if you know or not, but cum leaves

streaks if you don't clean it right

away.

CUSTOMER:

(grabbing her bag,

disgusted)

This is the last time I come to this

place.

DANTE:

Excuse me?

CUSTOMER:

Using filthy language in front of

the customers... you should both get

fired.

DANTE:

We're sorry, ma'am. We got a little

carried away.

CUSTOMER:

Well, I don't know if sorry can make

up for it. I found your remarks highly

offensive.

The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting something.

RANDAL:

Well, you think that's offensive...

RANDAL flips open the magazine's centerfold-a graphic picture

of a woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread wide open.

RANDAL:

...then check this out. I think you

can see her kidneys.

RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically

apologizes to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.

DANTE:

Ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry! Please,

wait a second, ma'am...

The CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE'S pursuit stops at the counter.

DANTE turns on RANDAL.

DANTE:

Why do you do things like that? You

know she's going to come back and

tell the boss.

RANDAL:

Who cares? That lady's an a**hole.

Everybody that comes in here is way

too uptight. This job would be great

if it wasn't for the f***ing

customers.

DANTE:

I'm gonna hear it tomorrow.

RANDAL:

You gotta loosen up, my friend.

You'd feel a hell of a lot better if

you'd rip into the occasional

customer.

DANTE:

What for? They don't bother me if I

don't bother them.

RANDAL:

Liar! Tell me there aren't customers

that annoy the piss out of you on a

daily basis.

DANTE:

There aren't.

RANDAL:

How can you lie like that? Why don't

you vent? Vent your frustration.

Come on, who pisses you off?

DANTE:

(reluctantly)

It's not really anyone per se, it's

more of separate groupings.

RANDAL:

Let's hear it.

DANTE:

(pause)

The milkmaids.

RANDAL:

The milkmaids?

INSERT:
MILK HANDLER

A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the

cooler for that perfect container of milk.

DANTE (O.S.)

The women that go through every gallon

of milk looking for a later date. As

if somewhere-beyond all the other

gallons-is a container of milk that

won't go bad for like a decade.

END INSERT:

RANDAL:

You know who I can do without? I

could do without the people in the

video store.

DANTE:

Which ones?

RANDAL:

All of them.

MONTAGE INSERT #1/VIDEO JERKS

A series of people addressing the camera, asking the dumb

questions.

FIRST:

What would you get for a six-year-

old boy who chronically wets his

bed?

SECOND:

(in front of stocked

new release shelf)

Do you have any new movies in?

THIRD:

Do you have that one with the guy

who was in that movie that was out

last year?

END INSERT:

RANDAL:

And they never rent quality flicks;

they always pick the most

intellectually devoid movie on the

rack.

MONTAGE INSERT #2/"Ooooh!..."

An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.

FIRST:

Ooooh! Home Alone!

SECOND:

Ooooh! Hook!

THIRD:

Ooooh! Navy Seals!

END INSERT:

RANDAL:

It's like in order to join, they

have to have an IQ less than their

shoe size.

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