Clerks Page #23

OLD MAN:

No, he got hit by a bus.

DANTE:

(confused)

Oh... Can I help you?

OLD MAN:

Well, that depends. Do you have a

bathroom?

DANTE:

Um... yeah, but it's for employees

only.

OLD MAN:

I understand, but can I use it. I'm

not that young anymore, so I'm kind

of... you know... incontinent.

DANTE:

Uh... sure. Go ahead. It's back

through the cooler.

OLD MAN:

Thanks son. Say-what kind of toilet

paper you got back there?

DANTE:

The white kind.

OLD MAN:

I'm not asking about the color. I

mean is it rough or cottony?

DANTE:

Actually, it is kind of rough.

OLD MAN:

Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell

out of my hemorrhoids. Say, would

you mind if I took a roll of the

soft stuff back there. I see you

sell the soft stuff.

DANTE:

Yeah, but...

OLD MAN:

Aw, c'mon boy. What's the difference?

You said yourself the stuff that's

there now is rough.

DANTE:

Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

OLD MAN:

Thanks son, you're a lifesaver.

The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The

OLD MAN returns.

OLD MAN:

Say, young fella, you know I hate to

bother you again, but can I take a

paper or something back there... to

read? It usually takes me a while,

and I like to read while it's going

on.

DANTE:

Jesus... go ahead.

OLD MAN:

Thanks, young man. You've got a heart

of gold.

The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines.

He comes back to the counter.

DANTE:

You know, you probably could've been

home, already, in the time it's taken

you to get in there.

OLD MAN:

Can I trouble you for one of those

magazines?

DANTE:

I said go ahead.

OLD MAN:

No, I mean the ones there. Behind

the counter.

DANTE glances over and reacts.

DANTE:

The porno mags?

OLD MAN:

Yeah. I like the cartoons. They make

me laugh. They draw the biggest

titties.

DANTE:

(hands one to him)

Here. Now leave me alone.

OLD MAN:

Uh, can I have the other one. The

one below this one. They show more

in that one.

DANTE makes the switch.

OLD MAN:

Thanks son. I appreciate this.

The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close,

then the front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.

RANDAL:

Helluva game!

DANTE:

One ball!! They come all the way

here... I close the damn store...

for one ball!

RANDAL:

Hockey's hockey. At least we got to

play.

DANTE:

Randal, twelve minutes is not a game!

Jesus, it's barely a warm-up!

RANDAL:

B*tch, b*tch, b*tch. You want

something to drink?

(walking away)

DANTE:

Gatorade.

Pause. Then...

RANDAL (O.S.)

What happened to all the Gatorade?

DANTE:

Exactly. They drank it all.

RANDAL (O.S.)

After an exhausting game like that I

can believe it.

DANTE:

(as RANDAL)

"It's not like we're gonna sell out."

RANDAL comes back with drinks.

RANDAL:

You know what Sanford told me?

(offering drink)

DANTE:

I still can't believe Caitlin's

getting married.

RANDAL:

Julie Dwyer died.

DANTE:

Yeah, right.

RANDAL:

No, I'm serious.

DANTE is visibly taken aback.

DANTE:

Oh, my god.

RANDAL:

Sanford's brother dates her cousin.

He found out this morning.

DANTE:

How? When?

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