Clerks Page #24

RANDAL:

Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

DANTE:

Jesus.

RANDAL:

She was swimming at the YMCA pool

when it happened. Died mid-backstroke.

DANTE:

I haven't seen her in almost two

years.

RANDAL:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't

she one of the illustrious twelve?

DANTE:

Number six.

RANDAL:

You've had sex with a dead person.

DANTE:

I'm gonna go to her wake.

RANDAL:

No, you're not.

DANTE:

Why not?

RANDAL:

It's today.

DANTE:

What!?

RANDAL:

Paulsen's Funeral Parlor. The next

show is at four.

DANTE:

Sh*t. What about tomorrow?

RANDAL:

One night only. She's buried in the

morning.

DANTE:

You've gotta watch the store. I have

to go to this.

RANDAL:

Wait, wait, wait. Has it occurred to

you that I might bereaved as well?

DANTE:

You hardly knew her!

RANDAL:

True, but do you know how many people

are going to be there? All of our

old classmates, to say the least.

DANTE:

Stop it. This is beneath even you.

RANDAL:

I'm not missing what's probably going

to be the social event of the season.

DANTE:

You hate people.

RANDAL:

But I love gatherings. Isn't it

ironic?

DANTE:

Don't be an a**hole. Somebody has to

stay with the store.

RANDAL:

If you go, I go.

DANTE:

She meant nothing to you!

RANDAL:

She meant nothing to you either until

I told you she died.

DANTE:

I'm not taking you to this funeral.

RANDAL:

I'm going with you.

DANTE:

I can't close the store.

RANDAL:

You just closed the store to play

hockey on the roof!

DANTE:

Exactly, which means I can't close

it for another hour so we can both

go to a wake.

CUT TO:

INT CAR:
DAY

DANTE drives with passenger RANDAL, their backs to the camera.

RANDAL:

You were saying?

DANTE:

Thanks for putting me in a tough

spot. You're a good friend.

Silence. Then...

RANDAL:

She was pretty young, hunhh?

DANTE:

Twenty-two; same as us.

RANDAL:

An embolism in a pool.

DANTE:

An embarrassing way to die.

RANDAL:

That's nothing compared to how my

cousin Walter died.

DANTE:

How'd he die?

RANDAL:

Broke his neck.

DANTE:

That's embarrassing?

RANDAL:

He broke his neck trying to suck his

own dick.

Absolute silence. Then...

DANTE:

Shut the hell up.

RANDAL:

Bible truth.

DANTE:

Stop it.

RANDAL:

I swear.

DANTE:

Oh, my god.

RANDAL:

Come on. Haven't you ever tried to

suck your own dick?

DANTE:

No!

RANDAL:

Yeah sure. You're so repressed.

DANTE:

Because I never tried to suck my own

dick?

RANDAL:

No, because you won't admit to it.

As if a guy's a f***ing pervert

because he tries to go down on

himself. You're as curious as the

rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

DANTE:

Who found him?

RANDAL:

My cousin? My aunt found him. On his

bed, doubled over himself with his

legs on top. Dick in his mouth.

My aunt freaked out. It was a mess.

DANTE:

His dick was in his mouth?

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