Clerks Page #33

DANTE:

(points to himself)

Living proof.

RANDAL:

I thought you never sold cigarettes

to kids.

DANTE:

I don't; you did.

RANDAL:

(pause)

Really?

DANTE:

Little girl. Maybe five years old?

RANDAL:

(taken aback)

Holy sh*t. That girl?

DANTE:

As opposed to the hundreds of other

children you let buy cigarettes

whenever you work here.

RANDAL:

Then how come you got the fine?

DANTE:

Because I'm here.

RANDAL:

(incredulous)

You're lying.

DANTE:

I swear. I couldn't make this kind

of hell up.

RANDAL:

Then why aren't you like screaming

at me right now?

DANTE:

Because I'm happy.

RANDAL:

You're happy?

DANTE:

I'm happy.

RANDAL:

You're happy to get a fine?

DANTE:

No. I'm happy because Caitlin came

to see me.

RANDAL:

Now I know you're lying.

DANTE:

I'm not. She just left.

RANDAL:

What did she say?

DANTE:

She's not going to marry that guy.

She went home to tell her mother.

RANDAL:

You're kidding.

DANTE:

I'm not.

RANDAL:

(takes it in for a

moment)

Wow. You've had quite an evening.

DANTE:

She went home, she's getting ready,

and we're going out.

RANDAL:

I feel so ineffectual. Is there

anything I can do for you?

DANTE:

Watch the store while I go home and

change.

RANDAL:

What happened to title dictates

behavior?

DANTE:

This is my way of spitting water at

life.

RANDAL:

(suddenly aware)

Hey, what about Veronica?

DANTE:

No! Don't bring it up. I don't want

to think about that now. Let me enjoy

this hour of bliss. I'll think about

all of that later. In the meantime,

nobody mentions the V word.

RANDAL:

You're a snake.

DANTE:

In my absence, try not to sell

cigarettes to any newborns.

RANDAL:

You want me to bring the VCR over

here so we can watch this?

DANTE:

I might be leaving early to go out

with Caitlin, in which case you'll

have to close the store tonight.

RANDAL:

All right, but you're missing out.

Chicks with d*cks.

DANTE:

(puts cats on counter)

I'll read the book.

DANTE exits. A CUSTOMER comes back to the counter. He pets

the cat.

CUSTOMER:

Cute cat. What's his name.

RANDAL:

Peptic ulcer.

CUT TO:

EXT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

JAY and SILENT BOB watch as DANTE passes. A small group of

burners are poised around the store door. JAY carefully writes

on a large piece of paper, using a thick marker. SILENT BOB

hands him the scissors. JAY slowly cuts the large piece of

paper. SILENT BOB hands him the tape. JAY snaps off a few

pieces, and plasters the sign to the convenience store door.

It is a large word balloon, and it reads I EAT COCK!

Once in place, he raps on the window. RANDAL looks out, his

face adjacent to the word balloon, making it appear as if he

is saying he eats cock. The small group laughs hysterically.

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

CAITLIN enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is watching

his porno. The porno is loud and lewd. CAITLIN stares.

CAITLIN:

Randal Graves-scourge of the video

renter.

RANDAL:

Ladies and gentleman, Mrs. Asian

Design Major herself: Caitlin Bree!

CAITLIN:

You saw that article? God, isn't it

awful? My mother sent that in.

RANDAL:

I take it she likes the guy.

CAITLIN:

You'd think she was marrying him.

What are you watching?

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