Clerks Page #34

RANDAL:

Children's programming. What did

your mom say when you told her you

weren't engaged anymore?

CAITLIN:

She said not to come home until

graduation.

RANDAL:

Wow, you got thrown out? For Dante?

CAITLIN:

What can I say? He does weird things

to me.

RANDAL:

Can I watch?

CAITLIN:

You can hold me down.

RANDAL:

Can I join in?

CAITLIN:

You might be let down. I'm not a

hermaphrodite.

RANDAL:

Few are. So what makes you think you

can maintain a relationship with

Dante this time around?

CAITLIN:

A woman's intuition. Something in me

says it's time to give the old boy a

serious try.

RANDAL:

Wow. Hey, I was just about to order

some dinner. You eat Chinese, right?

CAITLIN:

Dick.

RANDAL:

Exactly.

CAITLIN:

So where is he?

RANDAL:

He went home to change for the big

date.

CAITLIN:

God, isn't he great?

RANDAL:

(indicating TV)

No, this is great.

CAITLIN:

Can I use the bathroom?

RANDAL:

There's no light back there.

CAITLIN:

Why aren't there any lights?

RANDAL:

Well, there are, but for some reason

they stop working at five-fourteen

every night.

CAITLIN:

You're kidding.

RANDAL:

Nobody can figure it out. And the

boss doesn't want to pay the

electrician to fix it, because the

electrician owes money to the video

store.

CAITLIN:

Such a sordid state of affair.

RANDAL:

And I'm caught in the middle-torn

between my loyalty for the boss, and

my desire to piss with the light on.

CAITLIN:

I'll try to manage.

She heads toward the back.

RANDAL:

Hey Caitlin...

(cautionary)

Break his heart again this time, and

I'll kill you. Nothing personal.

CAITLIN:

You're very protective of him, Randal.

You always have been.

RANDAL:

Territoriality. He was mine first.

CAITLIN:

(rubs his head)

Awww . That was so cute.

She kisses his forehead and walks away. The MOTHER and SMALL

CHILD (Happy Scrappy) come to the counter.

MOTHER:

(oblivious of the TV)

A pack of cigarettes.

The SMALL CHILD points at the TV screen.

SMALL CHILD:

C*nt!

CUT TO:

EXT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

RANDAL studies the I EAT COCK word balloon. DANTE enters.

DANTE:

Who eats cock?

RANDAL:

Bunch of savages in this town.

(recalling)

Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You might

want to see if she's okay; she's

been back there a long time.

DANTE:

There's no lights back there.

RANDAL:

I told her that. She said she didn't

need any. Why don't you join her,

man. Make a little bathroom bam-bam.

DANTE:

I love your sexy talk. It's so...

kindergarten:
Poo-poo; wee-wee.

RANDAL:

F*** you.

The cooler door is heard opening. CAITLIN walks lazily down

the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied. DANTE

and RANDAL regard her curiously. She joins them, latching on

to DANTE's arm, lovingly.

CAITLIN:

How'd you get here so fast?

DANTE:

I left like an hour ago.

CAITLIN:

(regards him curiously)

Do you always talk weird after you

violate women?

RANDAL and DANTE stare at CAITLIN, confused.

RANDAL:

Maybe the Asian design major slipped

her some opium?

DANTE:

Could be.

CAITLIN:

(hugging DANTE)

Promise me it'll always be like that.

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