Clerks Page #35

DANTE:

Like what?

CAITLIN:

When you just lie perfectly still

and let me do everything.

DANTE:

Um... okay.

RANDAL:

Am I missing something here?

CAITLIN:

I went back there, and Dante was

already waiting for me.

RANDAL:

He was?

CAITLIN:

It was so cool. He didn't say a word.

He was just... ready, you know? And

we didn't kiss or talk or anything.

He just sat there and let me do all

the work.

RANDAL:

(to DANTE)

You dog! I didn't see you go back

there.

DANTE is bewildered.

CAITLIN:

And the fact that there weren't any

lights made it so...

(she lets out a growl

and hugs DANTE)

God! That was so great!

DANTE:

(quietly)

It wasn't me.

CAITLIN:

(laughing it off)

Yeah, right. Who was it: Randal?

DANTE:

(to RANDAL)

Was it you?

RANDAL:

I was here the whole time.

CAITLIN:

(half-laughing)

You two better quit it.

DANTE:

I'm serious.

CAITLIN:

(beat)

We didn't just have sex in the

bathroom?

DANTE:

No.

Everyone is silent. Then...

CAITLIN:

Stop this. This isn't funny.

DANTE:

I'm not kidding. I just got back

from outside.

CAITLIN:

(covering her chest)

This isn't f***ing funny, Dante!

DANTE:

I'm not fooling around!

(to RANDAL)

Who went back there?

RANDAL:

Nobody! I swear!

CAITLIN:

I feel nauseous.

DANTE:

Are you sure somebody was back there?

CAITLIN:

(hits DANTE)

I didn't just f*** myself! Jesus,

I'm going to be sick!

RANDAL:

You just f***ed a total stranger?

DANTE:

Shut the f*** up!

CAITLIN:

I can't believe this! I feel faint...

DANTE:

(to RANDAL)

Call the police.

RANDAL:

Why?

CAITLIN:

No, don't!

DANTE:

There's a strange man in our bathroom,

and he just raped Caitlin!

CAITLIN:

(weakly)

Oh God...

RANDAL:

She said she did all the work.

DANTE:

WOULD YOU SHUT THE F*** UP?

(pause)

WHO THE F*** IS IN THE BATHROOM?

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. LATER

THE OLD MAN'S FACE is serene, almost happy, as he lies on a

stretcher. (Same OLD MAN who took a porn mag to the bathroom.)

CORONER (O.S.)

Who is he?

The body bag zipper is pulled closed. DANTE, the CORONER,

and RANDAL stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The

CORONER takes notes.

DANTE:

I don't know. He just came in and

asked to use the bathroom.

CORONER:

What time was this?

DANTE:

Um... I don't know.

(to RANDAL)

What time did hockey end?

RANDAL:

Around three or something.

DANTE:

What time did we go to the funeral?

RANDAL:

I think four.

CORONER:

Wait a second? Who was working here

today?

DANTE:

Just me.

CORONER:

I thought you just said you played

hockey and went to a funeral.

DANTE:

We did.

CORONER:

Then who operated the store?

DANTE:

Nobody. It was closed.

CORONER:

With this guy locked in?

DANTE:

Everything happened at once. I guess

I forgot he was back there.

Ambulance attendants join them.

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