Clerks Page #36

ATTENDANT 1

Can we take this now?

CORONER:

Go ahead.

The stretcher is wheeled out. Midway down the body bag,

something protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection.

RANDAL stares at it.

DANTE:

Was he alive when... Caitlin...

CORONER:

No. I place the time of death at

about three-twenty.

RANDAL:

Then how could she... you know...

CORONER:

The body can maintain an erection

after expiration. Sometimes for hours.

Did he have the adult magazine when

he came in?

DANTE:

No. I gave it to him.

RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.

DANTE:

Well he asked me for it!

CORONER:

(continuing)

I can't say for certain until we get

him back to the lab, but my guess is

he was masturbating, his heart seized

and he died. That's when the girl

found him.

(sniffing the air)

Something smells like shoe polish.

RANDAL:

(to CORONER)

This has gotta be the weirdest thing

you've ever been called in on.

CORONER:

(writing)

Actually, I once had to tag a kid

that broke his neck trying to put

his mouth on his penis.

RANDAL looks down, anonymously.

DANTE:

What about Caitlin?

CORONER:

Shock trauma. She's going to need

years of therapy after this. My

question is, How did she come to

have sex with the dead man?

DANTE:

She thought it was me.

The CORONER stares at DANTE.

CORONER:

What kind of convenience store do

you run here?

He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.

RANDAL:

(beat)

Do you think he was talking about my

cousin?

CUT TO:

EXT:
VIDEO STORE. NIGHT

CAITLIN sits in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped

over her shoulders. An attendant takes her blood pressure.

The doors are closed and the vehicle speeds away. JAY and

SILENT BOB lean against the wall. JAY eats sugar out of a

box.

JAY:

I knew one of those motherfuckers

was gonna kill somebody one day.

CUT TO:

INT:
CONVENIENCE STORE. NIGHT

A jar of salsa is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the

condiment, the corn chip resembles a surfacing shark fin.

Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life-swimming menacingly

to and fro across the jar.

RANDAL (O.S.)

(mumbling Jaws theme)

Da-dum! Da-dum! Da-dum! DA-DUM! DA-

DUM! DA-DUM!

DANTE and RANDAL are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes this

chip around the jar of salsa. DANTE stares up at the ceiling,

oblivious.

RANDAL:

Salsa shark.

DANTE says nothing.

RANDAL:

(as Brody)

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

DANTE says even less than nothing.

RANDAL:

(as Quint)

"Man goes into the cage; cage goes

into the salsa; shark's in the salsa;

our shark."

DANTE... you know.

RANDAL:

(angry)

What? What's with you? You haven't

said anything for like twenty minutes.

What the hell is your problem?

DANTE:

This life.

RANDAL:

This life?

DANTE:

Why do I have this life?

RANDAL:

Have some chips; you'll feel better.

DANTE:

I'm stuck in this pit, earning less

than slave wages, working on my day

off, dealing with every backward

f*** on the planet, the goddamn steel

shutters are locked all day, I smell

like shoe polish, I've got an ex-

girlfriend who's catatonic after

f***ing a dead guy, and my present

girlfriend has sucked thirty-six

d*cks.

RANDAL:

Thirty-seven.

DANTE:

My life is in the shitter right about

now, so if you don't mind, I'd like

to stew a bit.

CUSTOMER (O.S.)

You open?

RANDAL:

Yeah.

RANDAL hops off the freezer case and steps O.C.

RANDAL (O.S.)

That's all bullshit. You know what

the real problem here is?

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