Clerks Page #37

DANTE:

I was born.

RANDAL comes back.

RANDAL:

You should sh*t or get off the pot.

DANTE:

I should sh*t or get off the pot.

RANDAL:

Yeah, you should sh*t or get off the

pot.

DANTE:

What are you talking about?

RANDAL:

I'm talking about this thing you

have... this inability to improve

your situation in life.

DANTE:

F*** you.

RANDAL:

It's true. You'll sit there and blame

life for dealing a cruddy hand, never

once accepting the responsibility

for the way your situation is.

DANTE:

What responsibility?

RANDAL:

All right, if you hate this job and

the people, and the fact that you

have to come in on your day off,

then quit.

DANTE:

As if it's that easy.

RANDAL:

It is. You just up and quit. There

are other jobs, and they pay better

money. You're bound to be qualified

for at least one of them. So what's

stopping you?

DANTE:

Leave me alone.

RANDAL:

You're comfortable. This is a life

of convenience for you, and any

attempt to change it would shatter

the pathetic microcosm you've

fashioned for yourself.

DANTE:

Oh, like your life's any better?

RANDAL:

I'm satisfied with my situation for

now. You don't hear me bitching.

You, on the other hand, have been

bitching all day.

DANTE:

Thank you. Why don't you go back to

the video store?

RANDAL:

It's the same thing with Veronica.

DANTE:

Leave her out of this.

RANDAL:

You date Veronica because she's low

maintenance and because it's

convenient. Meanwhile, all you ever

do is talk about Caitlin. You carry

a torch for a girl you dated in high

school-in high school for God's sake!

You're twenty-two!

DANTE:

Leave me alone.

RANDAL:

If you want Caitlin, then face

Veronica, tell her, and be with

Caitlin. If you want Veronica, be

with Veronica. But don't pine for

one and f*** the other. Man, if you

weren't such a f***ing coward...

DANTE:

...If I wasn't such a f***ing coward.

(chuckles)

It must be so great to be able to

simplify everything the way you do.

RANDAL:

Am I right or what?

DANTE:

You're wrong. Things happened today,

okay? Things that probably ruined my

chances with Caitlin.

RANDAL:

What? The dead guy? She'll get over

f***ing the dead guy. Sh*t, my mom's

been f***ing a dead guy for thirty

years; I call him Dad.

DANTE:

Caitlin and I can't be together.

It's impossible.

RANDAL:

Melodrama coming from you seems about

as natural as an oral bowel movement.

DANTE:

What do you want me to say? Yes, I

suppose some of the things you're

saying may be true. But that's the

way things are; it's not going to

change.

RANDAL:

Make them change.

DANTE:

I can't, all right! Jesus, would you

leave me alone? I can't make changes

like that in my life. If I could, I

would-but I don't have the ability

to risk comfortable situations on

the big money and the fabulous prizes.

RANDAL:

Who're you kidding? You can so.

DANTE:

Jesus H. Christ, I can't!

RANDAL:

So you'll continue being miserable

all the time, just because you don't

have the guts to face change?

DANTE:

(sadly)

My mother told me once that when I

as three, my potty lid was closed,

and instead of lifting it, I chose

to sh*t my pants.

RANDAL:

Lovely story.

DANTE:

Point is-I'm not the kind of person

that disrupts things in order to

sh*t comfortably.

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