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Are you shitting me?

First he's eating like his father,

now you're talking like him?

- Ben.

- Don't you ever say that again.

- Sorry, Grandma.

- How do you do that, Grandpa?

A good magician

never reveals his secrets.

Your daddy has wanted to know

how I've done that trick...

...since he was your age.

Isn't that true, son?

Hey, Michael.

Michael, who are you talking to?

Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma.

Take it easy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell him to get a life.

You got family here.

You're busy. Come on.

My mother says hello.

Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he?

On his big cell phone. Big boy.

That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you,

Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.

- Are you done? Can we relax now?

- Sorry.

Eat me, grandpa!

You're dead.

- Oh, sh*t!

- Yeah, you better run!

I kicked your father's ass

in high school!

Now I'm gonna kick yours!

I hate that man.

Okay, good night, you two cowboys.

- Reach for the sky, Pocahontas.

- No, back to bed.

Come on. Pocahontas is off duty.

I'm out of here.

You getting sick, sheriff?

I don't got time to be sick, so no.

I need to watch this documentary

on Asian architecture.

Well, you gotta get some rest

sometime, sweetheart.

Besides, the woodland creatures

will laugh at you...

...if you collapse trying

to put up the tent this weekend.

Yeah. I forgot to tell you.

We gotta postpone

the camping trip.

Ammer put me on a project.

It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish,

I'm off it, so...

The kids have been talking

about camping all year.

Think I don't know that?

It's just every choice I make,

everything I do...

...I disappoint somebody.

Make sure you don't keep

disappointing the wrong people.

I'm not out drinking or gambling

or hitting on chicks.

I'm working my ass off

so my family can have a better life...

...than I dreamed of

when I was a kid.

The only way for that to happen

is for me to watch this stinking show!

So relax, hon.

Are you kidding me?

Will you give me a break one time?

Damn it! The O'Doyles got

a stinking universal remote control.

We're gonna have one too.

I'm sick of this.

You want me to open

the garage for you?

Closed.

Closed.

Open.

Bed Bath & Beyond it is.

Hey, man?

You guys got any universal

remote controls in there?

- For a shower curtain or a bathmat?

- For a television.

I don't think so.

Maybe for a blanket?

You got a remote for a blanket?

Sorry, I don't work here.

I'm waiting for my friends.

You're kidding me.

Actually, yes. I don't have any friends.

Will you be my friend?

Wow, man.

Bed. Bed.

Bath. Bath.

Bed.

So tired of my life.

Beyond?

Sorry to sneak up on you. I just...

You guys got a universal

remote control back here?

Something stinks

like stale french fries.

All right, that's probably me.

You know, fast food

shortens your life.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

But the way my life's been going

lately, that ain't such a bad thing.

You're looking

for a universal remote control?

Yeah. Just one device

to do it all for me...

...make my life a little easier,

quicker, not so damn complicated.

I'm not supposed to do this,

but you seem like a good guy.

Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.

I'm gonna show you a remote

we just got in...

...that's probably the most advanced

piece of technology...

...we have in this place.

- Sounds sweet.

- It is sweet.

The latest, greatest universal remote

not even on the market yet.

I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite

my advanced-technological ass then.

I don't know the O'Doyles...

...but they can bite it hard.

Yeah.

Come in the back with me.

Okay.

This is... This is very nice of you.

- What's your name, anyways?

- Call me Morty.

Morty, I'm Michael Newman.

Michael Newman.

I'm about to rock your world.

Okay.

I gotta be honest with you. This place

looks bigger from the outside.

Just kidding.

Hey, hey.

I think maybe there in the middle?

Sneaky.

Where's the box?

Does it come with directions?

Not necessary.

Just point, click.

Eventually, it will program itself.

How much is this thing?

Because I ain't exactly

Thurston Howell, you know?

Lucky for you, it's not

in the bar-code system yet.

So I'm gonna have

to just give it to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the catch here, man?

Want me to take my shirt off for you?

Because I don't play for that team.

Hey. Man, get out of here.

Why are you doing this, then?

Because good guys need a break

every once in a while.

Take it.

Enjoy.

All right.

Only one thing

you need to know, Michael.

This item is nonreturnable.

Why would I wanna return something

I got for free?

Twinkie. You don't need it.

You don't need it, man.

You do need a Yodel, though.

Okay. Good job.

Let's see what you got, mate.

Look at me, turning my own TV on.

I'm a freaking whiz kid.

- Residential architecture...

- So I talked to the kids.

- Oh, yeah?

They're very understanding about

not going camping this weekend.

- Great.

- They could have a sleepover instead.

That's a great idea.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks for being

so cool about this too.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yes.

After you do all this work and become

a big player at your company...

...do you think you're gonna

have more time for us...

...or are things just gonna get

even more out of control?

Wait. When I get to that place

and become a boss...

...a millionaire, a big shot,

the first thing I'm gonna do...

...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me

to do all my work.

So then you, me and the kids

can do whatever the hell we want.

You just gotta give me some time.

Don't give me that look.

I'm just saying, give me some support.

All right?

I love you. Go to sleep.

- Just think about it, Michael.

- Absolutely.

And stop with the Yodels.

- You're gonna wake up 400 pounds.

- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude.

Everybody's sleeping.

You gotta poop again?

Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy

on the duck, okay?

Will you just hold it in for five minutes

and keep the freaking volume down?

I guess when you combine...

...mass quantities of cough syrup

with Yodels...

...you get acid.

Go.

Hey, you said you gotta go.

Go already, man.

Sniffy Longdroppings, today.

Holy motherfu...!

Yeah, I mean, you're right.

In the short run...

...plastic surgery is a hassle.

But six months later...

...l'm gonna have a face

and a body...

...that's gonna get me to places

where I wanna be.

Oh, my mother, typical,

you know, she says:

"Oh, this procedure is too risky."

If Samantha wanted her cheekbones

shaved down, I think I'd freak out too.

I know, but I just think, you know,

they're too Slavic.

You should get some work done.

Then maybe Michael

will wanna hang out with you too.

Morning, Michael.

You're looking very crappy today.

Morning, Janine,

you're looking very Slavic.

You're just jealous because Donna

and I are going to the gym...

...and all the guys

are gonna be hitting on us.

Michael knows

he's my one and only.

Forever and ever, babe.

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