Clockwise Page #4

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up to these days because I can see...

you're late!

No, no no; it was the third

telephone box in a row...

Still late for everything,

are you Brian?

No, I'm not late these days

as a matter of fact...

What was it this time, Brain? Buses on

strike? Got the wrong train?

I'm not late! Ha, ha, ha...

I'd say come and have lunch.

Um, unfortunately

All right, Brian. Just your luck isn't it.

Running into someone you haven't seen

for twenty years when you're late already.

No, no I'm not late.

I'm merely in a hurry.

Well, give me a kiss

and I'll let you run.

Lovely to see you again, Brian.

Here, come on, and I'll give

you Mum's number.

You can phone me when you've

got a moment.

Oh, right.

You won't believe this, but

your dad and I...

were at training college together,

and he was late...

Pat, could I make a phone call?

He was late the first time

he took me out,

He was late every time

he took me out.

He was late the day he collected

his diploma.

Oh, he hasn't told you

about all that.

Haven't you told her about

your murky past then?

He's not even listening.

I said you're not even listening.

I suppose not.

Out!

Well, I can see your mind's on other

things. I mustnt hold you up.

Yes, we must be on our way.

- No!

- She won't let...

poor old dad drive, will she?

No, I won't.

She's lovely, Brian. A real

glint in her eye.

Yes. Ah, Pat? Can you drive?

Great to see you anyway.

Can I drive?

You passed your test?

You've got a licence?

Yes. What's all this about?

Have a drive! Go on! See what

you think. All right?

Just round the block.

I'd like to know what you think.

Come on!

Well I thought you were late.

Ah, I'm not late!

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Funny man you are, Brian.

I haven't driven in this country

for twenty years.

Never mind, off you go.

- Married a dentist down under.

- Right.

Just brought the kids over to stay

with Mum. We were going to have lunch.

- Right. Let's go.

- You've got time for lunch, haven't you?

I bet you're starving.

I've got one your age.

- Later. Get the driving over first!

Once round the block then...

Close your eyes and pray.

- On the left still, isn't it?

- Right.

On the right?

Left, left.

Right.

Stop them! Stop them!

What? They, they did the phone?

The phone yes, but now they've

kidnapped my daughter.

It's lovely.

What?

- The car.

- Oh, right.

There's perhaps something not quite right

up here somewhere.

That's the wing.

The wing?

He pulled it off. Dad'll kill me.

It's Dad's car. It's not his car.

He's not my father.

He's Mr Stimpson.

Why did you tell her I

was your daughter?

Daughter? Who, me? No, son.

I haven't got a daughter.

What, Laura?

Laura's one of my girls.

One of my sixth formers. She's very kindly

driving me to Norwich.

It's a headmasters conference; I'm a

headmaster now.

Yes, well I'll say 'goodbye'

then, Brian.

You can't stop here!

It's all right, I'll walk back.

The police...

It's your life, Brian. I don't want to say anything.

I just don't want to get involved.

Keep going, keep going!

We'll be out in the county in a minute.

My children don't know where I am.

- We're just sitting down to lunch.

- It's all right. We'll find a bus stop.

- Find a bus stop?

- Here's a bus stop.

You can't stop at a bus stop.

Well where am I going?

Straight on.

Well done.

Hooting.

Oh, don't mind him!

I don't know where we are.

I don't know where we're going!

I'll tell you. One moment.

It was always the same thing.

You feel sorry for them, don't you?

You'd start off in evening dress

and silver dance shoes,

and end up running, your skirt in your hand

and your heel down a grating.

And then they turn round and

scream at you.

- Next left. Be posted to Northampton.

- Northampton!

We'll put you on the train.

What do you mean you'll put me on the

train? They're sitting round the table,

waiting to start lunch!

Get a move on then!

Put your foot down!

It's like being nineteen again.

I hated being nineteen.

Right, fine.

We shouldn't be doing this kind

of speed, not in a car like this.

Right, right.

Listen to it, it's coming to pieces.

Terrible.

Now where am I going?

I'm going left, am I?

Right, right.

Right?

All right, 10 minutes and we'll

be in Northampton.

Northampton was left.

That was our turn?

- You said 'right'.

- I said "left"!

Brian, don't you shout at me.

Can't anyone tell left from right?

She's doing her best.

Right. Just take the next left,

will you?

I'll get straight out of

the car.

You can't get out of the car now

till we get to Northampton.

Always late,

and always trying to make it my

fault, always screaming at me.

I was not screaming, I was merely

saying 'left'.

Now they've made you headmaster. Like putting

a shark in charge of a swimming pool!

Left. Left.

Left! Left!

What's this? This isn't going anywhere!

It's going back to the

Northampton Road.

They'll be out of their minds.

Just keep absolutely calm, and turn left

and left again.

So, left here...

Perfect, thank you.

Well done.

Now, we just go round the

next corner... and...

Now what?

Don't worry. We just go back.

Back?

Right. Reverse.

How did this happen to me?

In reverse gear.

Put it into reverse.

Show her where

reverse is, Laura.

Good, well done. Come on then.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Well done.

Come a... STOP!

This is a historic moment.

Little did I dream that I should

be sitting here...

When are we going to have lunch?

- Into the field...

- Into the field?

Just do as I say.

We'll get something to eat in Northampton.

We'll hit the road in about 100 yards.

I know this is wrong.

I knew it! I knew it!

It'll be just beyond that next hedge.

Just beyond the next hedge.

Je vois dj les voitures.

Look, I can see the cars. I can

see them moving. Right then.

There's no track-

We've come to the end of the track.

We don't need a track.

It's grass. Come on.

Perhaps I sound a little old fashioned,

but we live in a world where time

is becoming not less important, but

ever more so.

Imagine a spacecraft running late;

it might miss its orbit completely,

and find itself wandering off

into the trackless depths of the universe.

A nightmare! A nightmare!

Hold it, and hold it. Let's just have

a quiet think.

I'm never going to get home!

Stop it! You'll break the engine.

Thank you. Thank you. Now,

it's five to two.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry? We're all hungry.

We can't eat now because we're in

the middle of a field.

So, we have to adapt

to our circumstances.

Now, I wanted to be in Norwich at 3.00

to greet everyone as they arrive.

I can't be there at 3.00, so instead

I want to be there at 5.00

in time to deliver my speech.

This is how mankind has evolved

from the primeval slime...

by adapting to circumstances.

We can't go forwards, so we'll

go backwards instead.

Put it in reverse for her, Laura.

I'll push.

Right? Right.

No! Thank you. Stay here.

Don't move.

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