Club Dread Page #2

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She's the one in the way back.

Dude, she was. But then the chick

by the palm tree died...

so she got promoted to palm tree.

And then Amy Aerobics died, and so

she's the new number one chick, dude.

- She's the new Amy Aerobics!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy Aerobics died?

- What did she die of?

- She didn't die of a fat ass,

I'll tell you that, bro.

[Both Laughing]

What's up?

Dude, don't be gay, man.

- I don't think so.

- Hi.

Oh! Whoo! Hey.

- Lars Brunckhorst. I'm the new masseur.

- [Jenny] Hi.

- I'm Jenny.

- Really nice to meet you, Jenny.

- And this is Yu.

- And really nice to meet you, Yu.

- [Chuckles]

- So youre subbing in for Inga this week?

- Yeah.

- Well, you'd better be good.

Inga had some great moves.

Let's see what you got.

Ooh.

[Chuckles]

- [Chanting]

- [Both Moaning]

Oh, God.

Inga never did anything like that.

- Who's the f***ing hippie?

- I'll take that.

Hey, get your own margy.

- It's not for me.

It's for our new masseur, Lars.

- Are you serious?

We swapped out a six-foot

Swedish broad for this guy?

- I'm six-one.

- Cool!

Oh, don't worry about him.

He's Coconut Pete's nephew, so he

thinks he can get away with murder.

At least assault

with a deadly wet one.

- [Whistle Blowing] Who wants to limbo?

- Limbo! Limbo!

[Cheering]

I'll show you the ropes

at the club tonight.

Look for me.

I'll be the cute chick behind the bar.

[Roy]

Attention:
Frankie back to Hollywood!

- Dude, whatever.

- Dude, this is you! This is you!

[Chattering Continues, Indistinct]

- Bend it, don't break it.

- I'll bend anything. I'm gettin'

so f***in laid tonight.

- ## [Dance]

- [Chattering, Indistinct]

[Man]

Yeah, drink, sugar! Chug it down!

Chug it down for me!

[Man Over P.A.] Hey, what's up there,

you foxes and cockses?

Here comes Coconut Pete!

[Cheering]

Hey, am I go. You must be Lars.

Coconut Pete. Hey, man, I really appreciate

you bringing me into your life circle.

Pleasure's all mine. Say, I hear

good things about your fingers.

Is that a tranquillity blouse?

Yeah, it is. It's actually the same one

you wore on your album cover.

"Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations"?

I read a 1977 interview

where you said that...

the teal and blue really kept

you focused during the tough times.

That sounds like something

I said back in '77.

I guess nobody told you, but, uh...

you're supposed to wear

the Pleasure Sweater on luge duty.

Oh, yeah, they did, but it's actually

kind of hot in here...

and it was kind of

wadded up on the ground...

just put the goddamn thing on.

Hank, give Lars a hand, will ya?

Oh, yeah.

- Thanks, Hank.

- Hey, Coco Pete, I have

a present for you, my friend.

- You see the beautiful flower

in the yellow dress?

- Mmm!

[Coconut Pete]

She's in full bloom.

She said she saw you in Tucson

three years ago, 14th row.

Excuse me, but weren't you

at one of my shows?

U of A, '99?

- Yeah!

- I remember you! You were in the...

Don't tell me... 15th row.

- Fourteenth row!

- I have a pictographic memory

for pretty faces.

Well, hey, how about the grand tour?

- Yeah, sure.

- Right this way.

Hey, buddy!

Ah, Jesus Christ!

That's tequila!

I was doubles partners

with Andre Agassi for an entire week.

I'm the one who taught 'Dre

to play C*cks and Quarters.

If you can believe it,

he'd never played C*cks and Quarters.

Wow. That's interesting.

- Yeah, it's... Well, it's...

- Hey, snow bunny!

- Give me a Drambuie, neat.

- You got it.

Well, all alone, huh? Well, don't worry.

"No woman, no cry," right, mon?

Actually, I was quite engaged

until you bullied your way in here.

Yeah, I heard you. Something about, uh,

C*cks and Quarters?

You know, we have that game in the States

too, except we call it Hide the Sausage.

I beg your pardon? Excuse me,

new fellow, please cut off this minor.

Oh, come on! If there's grass

on the field, then play ball.

Right, guv'nor?

Hey, Sammy, hit me!

Mmm!

Gracias, Sheriff.

Legalize it!

[Man Over P.A.] Hey, late night fun

at the campfire in one hour.

- And don't forget your condoms.

- Tequila! Who wants some?

Hey, what, are you dancing alone?

Hey, sweetie. Come here.

- [Gasps]

- Hi!

Whoo! I now pronounce you

Mr. And Mrs. Funzy!

You owe me one, bro.

Uh, may I kiss the bride?

- Um... do you work here?

- I do.

I'm Juan Castillo.

I am dive master.

Like, cliffs, or-or...

Cliffs, rocks, boards.

Whatever you wish.

Oh, that is a beautiful name.

"Peenalop."

Peenalop.

It's breathtaking.

Um, thank you.

So, tell me, what brings you

here to us, Peenalop?

Oh, oh. I'm on spring break.

I go to Oral Roberts.

Oral Roberts?

Is that anything like an Anal Johnson?

'Cause, well,

I've done that a few times.

Or am I thinking of a Dirty Sanchez?

That's the one.

- I don't know what that is.

- Uh... it's not for you.

- [Gasps] Oh, my God!

- Ah, yes.

A very magical place.

- Hey.

- Hey, Carlos.

Make it quick.

We got a lot of dishes.

[Clattering]

Goddamn monkeys.

[Muttering In Spanish]

- [Twig Snaps]

- [Gasps] You?

Carlos, these knives are filthy.

When are you gonna clean 'em?

Manana.

[Sighs]

- [Spanish]

- [Clattering]

[Gasps]

- [Screaming]

- [Coconut Pete]

One, two! One, two, three, four!

- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo!

- All right!

- Solid.

Play "Margaritaville."

[Applause Stops]

Excuse me?

Play "Margaritaville."

I love that song.

Darlin', I think youre referrin'

to my song "Pina Coladaburg."

No, "Margaritaville. '

[Chuckles]

I think you mean "Pina Coladaburg."

A little song I wrote

seven and a half f***ing years...

before "Margaritaville"

was even on the map!

Of course,

you wouldn't know that 'cause...

you weren't even born yet!

- [Mock Laughter]

- Come on, hog shell. Let's get us a drink.

- I don't need this sh*t.

- Come on, man.

F*** that guy!

Son of a son of a b*tch!

Mother motherf***er!

- ## [Dance]

- Hey, Jenny.

[Moaning]

- [Laughs] God!

- Sorry.

Give me a heads-up

before you do that.

It's just a habit. I could see

how tight you were from a mile away.

What can I say?

Some girls are just tighter than others.

- [Chuckles]

- Sorry.

Uh... So, uh, I guess

I'm talkin' to a celebrity.

Congratulations.

I heard you got your own fitness show?

Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics

accidentally ate some rat poison.

It was awful.

But I'm still really psyched.

I've been waiting a long time for this.

- That's great.

- Hey, Jen.

I will be glad to never

have to do this again.

Yeah, it must be tough

living in paradise.

Oh, yeah.

You love it now, but just wait.

# Crab legs, crab legs

Rah, rah, rah #

Hey, you guys ever hear the story

of the Machete Maniac?

[All]

Ooh!

[Chuckles]

Let's hear it.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's probably too scary for you guys.

- No. No, it's not.

- No, come on, Dave.

Please, tell us the story.

All right, what the hell.

This must've been, like,

We had a kid working at the club

named Phil Coletti.

And one night...

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