Club Dread Page #3

it was a night a lot like tonight...

this gorgeous woman comes

into the club, asks him if he

wants to go out to the jungle.

He's like, "Yeah. Why not?"

So they split. And as they started

getting out to the jungle...

further and further away

from the lights of the club...

she starts asking him

these questions, like...

does he believe

in the local legends of the island...

voodoo, zombies.

He's not too worried about it.

He just rolls right over,

starts putting the screws to her.

But something doesn't

feel right to Coletti.

But he can't see sh*t. It's pitch black,

so he just keeps bangin' away.

But then, boom!

A flash of lightning lights up the

whole island, and in that one moment...

Coletti looks around and sees

not only is he out in the middle

of that old Mayan cemetery...

not only are all the other guys from

the resort standing around watching him...

but he sees that

he's having sex with a corpse.

A cold, white...

- dirty-from-the-grave dead body.

- [Girl Groans]

And they say...

Phil Coletti calmly walked

to the groundskeeper's shack...

found a machete...

and chopped those staff members

into a hundred pieces.

And they say

he took that same machete...

chopped his own dick off

and ran screaming into the jungle.

Nobody ever saw him after that.

But from that point on...

Phil Coletti was forever known...

as Machete Phil.

Are you telling me there's some

totally deranged, dickless dude

running around out there?

All I 'm saying is I don't

go into the jungle alone if I can help it.

'Cause you can hear him,

and I've heard him...

crying out...

"Where's my penis?

Where's my penis?

Where's my penis?"

- And that boy was me!

- [Screaming, Laughing]

You're an a**hole,

Putman.

- Anybody get laid tonight?

- Hey, Pete.

- I know I did.

- [Laughter]

Say, anybody seen

Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?

They're probably off screwing around

in the jungle somewhere.

Well, sh*t. I'm gonna need somebody

to run Luau Night tomorrow.

Uh, yeah, sure.

I'll run Luau Night.

What, cut up a couple

of pineapples, whatever.

- Yeah, great.

Sam, will you run Luau Night?

- Sure. Can do.

We'll get some grass mini-skirts,

maybe have a poi-eating contest...

and, uh, everyone'll get laid.

- [Hooting, Laughing]

- Sounds great. People, please.

Is it too much to ask?

Have sex with the guests.

- Some of em aren't bad-looking.

- [Laughter]

Hola, Peenalop!

[Alarm Blaring]

[Panting, Gasping]

- [Women Laughing]

- [Alarm Stops]

Change!

[Alarm Resumes]

- All right, 200 points. 200 points.

- Oh, good Christ!

Oh, you're dead, f***er!

You little yellow prick!

You're f***ed!

[Grunts]

- Ohh!

- 500 points!

- F***in' worked!

- A simple tag would have sufficed.

Eat it, f***-nut!

[Laughs]

- Cue Pretzel.

- [Alarm Continues]

Where's Pretzel?

Come on. Cue Pretzel.

Cue Pretzel. Pretzel... Ah.

Pretzel!

Hey, Pretzel!

Get your twisted, salty ass out here.

- Hey!

- [Panting, Moaning]

[Moaning Continues]

Ocupado, bro. Go!

- [Mouthing Words]

- [Moaning Continues]

Sorry, Cliff.

I need you in the maze.

- I'm on break.

- Be happy in your work, Pear.

Sh*t.

[Moaning Continues Loudly]

Eh, yeah.

Hey, look, I salty, yeah?

- Wait. What's your name?

- Listen, mami,

I call you later, all right?

- Bye.

- [Laughing]

- [Screams]

- [Gasps] Sh*t!

- [Mutters]

- [Woman] I got you!

Whoa!

[Panting]

Huh?

[Groaning]

[Chattering, Laughing]

## [Reggae]

- [Sword Unsheathes]

- Hello?

Hello?

[Yells]

[Chanting]

- Lars?

- Huh?

Oh. Sorry.

I was just in the middle of my Qi Kung.

Wow. Qi Kung?

[Karate Yell]

- Whoa!

- I should have you on my show.

- I guess you're not

just into massage, are you?

- Yeah, well...

I mean, bodywork's still my life,

but I've also done the Dianetic thing.

Spent a little time in the Forum.

Did a little Falun Gong in Bang Chow.

- But you knowhows got

a great philosophy?

- Who?

Coconut Pete.

Have a good time all the time.

- [Together] Always eat the worm.

- Totally.

- Sign our asses! Sign our asses!

- Sign our asses!

- What do you know about Feng Chi?

- Um, nothing.

- Snoring Panda.

- [Snoring]

Not to be confused

with Linou Gano...

- the Leaking Turtle.

- Oh, my God!

- Don't try that in public.

- Dude!

Hey, guys, I'm gonna

send you back over there.

- You'll get plenty

of signatures, all right?

- Come on, hop.

Go ahead.

[Chuckles]

- Come on, hop!

- [Jenny] That's amazing.

It's all really about

connecting your meridians.

We all have energy that flows through

us, and it's all connected by buttons.

So, what other buttons

can you push?

Tian-Tu.

- [Moans]

- The Heaven Point.

[Moaning]

F*** me!

Damn!

[Giggles]

Maybe I should

take you home with me.

I don't know if

I'd fit in your luggage. Oh, sh*t!

What the...

Oh, my God!

- Carlos?

- What's he doin' up in the air?

- It's gonna be okay, dude.

- I'm not getting a pulse.

[Jenny]

"Naughty Carlos"?

[Boat Departing]

Who's driving the boat?

You really never played

this game as a kid?

We had a cheap

Nicaraguan version called Circle Eater.

- But, you know...

- [Whimpering]

Are you trying to tell us something, boy?

Is Timmy trapped in a well?

Come on!

- You must come quick!

- Follow the banana!

- [Whistle Blowing]

- # Follow the banana, follow the banana #

- # Follow the banana #

- Oh!

[Juan]

Oh, man!

Cliff!

[Dave]

Oh!

["Game Over Sound]

[Jenny]

Who would do something like this?

I mean, who the f*** would wanna

come here and do something like this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on. Settle down, now.

- You're makin' a scene.

- There's a bloody killer on the island.

I know who it is. It's Machete Phil,

come out from the jungle.

Cool it, Juanny. You know that's

just a bullshit story for the guests.

Hey, it looks like

everybody else is okay.

But you gotta see what

someone did to my activities board.

- [All Gasping]

- Oh, my God!

[Chattering]

[Dave Reading]

"Do your jobs and live.

Tell the guests and die"?

"'Cause everybody's looking

to find their own paradise."'

[Coconut Pete]

What the hell does that mean?

- We have to get off the island.

- We have to get everyone off the island.

[Gasps]

Ahh! Okay.

Okay, the radio's smashed,

and we got no boats.

- No boats?

- How could somebody steal both boats?

I don't know. L...

I mean, the Smilin' Smuggler...

Looked like it was

just driving around on its own.

- What? On its own?

- And that phone line

had definitely been cut?

It sure as sh*t was not

chewed up by jungle rats.

- We have jungle rats?

- Okay, what are we gonna tell the guests?

- Nothing. I mean, you saw the board.

- He's right.

We tell the guests there's some crazed

maniac on the island with no way off?

We're gonna have a hundred

crazed maniacs running around.

What about the sign on Cliff?

I mean, it clearly said, "staff only."

I mean, that means

he's targeting us.

- [Overlapping Chatter]

- I don't understand.

Why are they coming after us?

- [Slurping]

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