Club Dread Page #4

- [Chatter Stops]

Ahhh.

When you're all done with your little

pink panty meltdown let me know...

'cause I'd like to

get down to business.

I thought it was time

to bring in the pro.

- Hank?

- Yes, Hank.

- The head of security on all my tours.

- So, what?

He keeps aging hippies from stealing

the bong out of your tour bus?

It just so happens

Hank used to be a federal agent.

Yeah, that's right. Headed

an F.B.I. Task force on serial killers.

Single-handedly caught

the Minneapolis Mangler.

- Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?

- Exactly.

Pete, you are aware that

I personally have served this guy...

twenty beers a day

for the last 10 years, right?

Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior!

When you can stuff

your intestines back in your pockets...

and walk 20 clicks to an aid station...

after a knife fight with guerrilla

drug lords, then you talk to me.

All right, since there's

no way off this rock...

- we're gonna have to catch this guy.

- [Putnam] Catch him?

We couldn't even catch the bloody

raccoon that was stealing

my wristbands last month.

You didn't ask me to catch

the raccoon, did you, Pip?

All right, now here's the plan.

You're gonna give this wing nut

exactly what he wants.

- You're all gonna do your jobs.

- All right, then tell us something.

How the hell are we

supposed to do our job...

when somebody is killing the dick

out of everybody on the island?

- [Voices Overlapping]

- Take it easy there, menstrual cramp.

You read the poem

on that board out there.

I seen this a million times.

This guy's playing a game,

and we're gonna play right back.

Just keep cool,

and this cat'll come to us.

And when he does,

I promise you...

I'll be there

with my whompin' stick.

[Chuckling]

## [Man Singing, Indistinct]

Come on, hit it!

Hit it!

Definitely not this guy.

Maybe. Maybe not.

What in the queen's wig

is going on here?

We've got a killer on the loose, and

you're throwing a bloody pinata party.

The cut on that pear kid

was left to right.

Left to right! I'm looking

for the left-handed killer, you idiot!

Oh. I see.

This is totally f***ed up.

I don't even know what I'm looking for.

[Chuckles]

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Hey, you know, I've been thinking

about that poem on the board.

There's something

really familiar about those words.

I just can't seem to

wrap my fingers around it.

- Can you wrap your fingers around this?

- Whoa!

##[Continues]

- Hi, Juan.

- Hi. Uh...

- Hi. How are you?

- Good. I made you a hat.

Oh. L-I don't know what to say.

Well, say "thank you" and put it on.

All right, all right.

Thank you. L-I love it.

You wanna take a walk on the beach?

[Chuckles]

Eh...

You know,

it's the same here as it is down there.

You know, um, the sand and water here,

the sand and water...

[Yells]

I heard you were being

very bad today, Juan.

What you mean?

When you were

supposed to be in the maze...

you were eating watermelon.

- How you find out about that?

- Because I see everything, Juan.

[Both Moaning]

Hey, you-you know...

you know what? You know what?

I think it's a good idea if we were

to go down the beach a little more far.

- Huh? The two of us.

- Okay.

Oh, you know, I forgot.

I'm supposed

to go make S'mores.

- We checked every guest cabana.

- No weapons? No bloody clothes?

Just pornography and

an ass-load of condoms.

The guy in 14

had a wooden Bible.

A wooden Bible, huh?

That's good.

That's a good job.

All right now, Jenny.

You go check on Yu. She's freakin' out.

New meat, you take over here.

Okay? Break!

Okay? Break!

- You'll be all right?

- Yeah.

Sure.

- Shite. Shite. Not her best.

- ## [Dance]

Hello, Pete.

"Hope They've Got Hammocks

in Heaven."

Great.

And again, Peter.

You dirty bugger.

What's this?

Jesus, this is crazy!

We can't do this anymore!

Quiet, Yu.

The guests will hear.

Jenny, we cannot act like

there's nothing wrong, okay?

There are guests everywhere.

We have to tell them.

No! You saw that board.

## [Continues]

## [Monkey Yell]

[Roy]

So I said it's totally tea bag season.

[Manny]

Dude, shut up, gay-rod. Give me a light.

Hey, guys, I 'm gonna need you

back at the bonfire. We're

gonna make an announcement.

Oh, good, 'cause I got

an announcement to make to Roy.

- I'm totally bake-ached.

- Come on!

- Idiots.

- [Chattering Continues]

- [Twigs Snapping]

- Hey, come to the beach.

We're gonna make

an announcement.

[Whimpers, Screams]

Help!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[Screaming]

Help!

[Screams]

There's always one f***-head like you...

trying to sh*t in the apple pie.

You just shat in the one apple pie

that knows how to sh*t back.

So why don't, uh, you and me,

let's just...

[Screaming]

- [Gasping]

- Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Sh*t!

Sh*t!

[Screams]

## [Dance]

Amy's got some fantastic advice for

everybody this morning, haven't you, Amy?

[Jenny On TV] Here are humans,

here is God, and here are we.

You're the girl, Ame!

Shoulders down.

- How are we looking, Dr. Wick?

- You're looking fantastic, Amy.

Looking fantastic.

This is one of the top five cardio...

- [TV Shuts Off]

- [Boat Engine Running, Distant]

[Twigs Snapping]

Let's do the sun salute!

Let's do the sun salute!

Crab, crab, crab.

Shot. Throw it away. Salute.

Crab, crab, crab.

Shot. Throw it away. Salute.

Hey, let's dance.

It's easier when you're smiling.

- I heard one of our ski boats last night.

- Holy sh*t! That's great!

- I only heard it for a second, but...

- So what do we do?

If it is one of ours, this guy's got it.

It's probably not a real good idea...

to go lookin' for it unless you

want to get your dingy chopped off.

- What?

- [Blowing Shell]

Hey, I figured it out. I know where

those lines on the board came from.

You know that line, "Everyone's

looking to find their own paradise"?

- That's from one of your songs.

- What the f*** you talkin' about?

One of my songs?

Yeah, it's off your album

"Sea Shanties and Wet Panties."

- 1978?

- Let's see those pinchers, people!

What does this song

have to do with all this?

The name of the song

is "Naughty Cal."

- Naughty Cliff. Naughty Carlos.

- [All] Naughty Cal!

# Naughty Cal, Bongo and Tokey #

# Got tired of livin' on land #

# So the three amigos

took an undersea trip #

- # And never were seen again#

- [Bong Water Bubbling]

# Bongo, the stoned crab

got high as a kite #

- # And fell and cracked his shell #

- Sh*t.

That's the line that was

on the board yesterday.

I didn't know

where it was from.

How do you not know

the words to your own song?

I don't even remember

making the album, okay?

Sh*t, it was '78.

We were all out of our gourds.

It was kind of a crazy time in 1978.

Oh, man, we had

some f***in' parties.

# Bongo the stoned crab

got high as a kite #

# And fell and cracked his shell#

# Tokey was lost in a maze all night#

- ## [Continues]

- "High as a kite"?

"He fell and cracked his shell"?

That's like Carlos up in the parasail.

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