Club Dread Page #5

Then "lost in a maze,"

exactly like Cliff.

So this guy is killing people

according to a f***ing acid trip song?

- This is insane!

- [Putman] Peter.

What's the song about? I s there

some sort of special significance?

F*** no. I mean, uh,

I don't know.

It's a sea shanty. Naughty Cal's

this, uh, underwater cowboy...

and Tokey and Bongo

are his buddies.

And they go on this adventure

to find, uh, Atlantis or some sh*t.

- L-l-l...

- Let's listen to the next line

and see what happens.

# La-la-la-la

Lala-la-la-la, lalala-la-la #

Maybe if I play it backwards.

# La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, la-la-la-la #

- # Mango Bay #

- Wait, listen. Listen.

# But a big bad orca

and a scary octopus #

# Were guarding the riverbed#

- ## [Continues]

- So, what the hell?

The orca and the octopus?

I mean, is it

the next victims, or is it the killer?

Our lives depend on us interpreting

the dumbest f***ing song I've ever heard.

Please, don't hold back.

Just say what you really think.

I'm not sensitive.

You know, I won about five f***ing

gold records in my lifetime.

H-How many gold records

do you have?

- Let's see how it ends.

- # I guess it seems #

# That everybody's lookin'#

# To find their own paradise #

# But it ain't on Earth

It's up there in heaven #

# And someday we're all gonna die ##

- [Laughing Wildly]

- Jesus.

Pete!

Yu and Hank are dead.

- Why? What did we do?

- No, man.

Yu and Hank are f***ing dead.

You threatening me? 'Cause if you are,

you little hairless lap dog...

Ay, puta!

Just come and look!

[All Gasp]

[Putman Reading]

"Don't let this be Yu."

She was just trying

to warn the guests.

- [Sobbing]

- Hank!

[Insects Buzzing]

Yu?

[Crowd Booing]

Why are we doing

a goddamn fashion show?

Because it's goddamn

Fashion Show Wednesday, that's why!

Look what happened to Yu! Remember

the warning:
"Do your jobs or die"?

So we're just gonna put

little smiles on our faces...

and march out there

and do our goddamn jobs.

- You got that? Lars, you're up.

Come on. Let's go.

- You got it, Pete.

[Cheering]

Lars Brunckhorst, everybody.

Lars is sporting

the Pleasure Poncho.

Only 19.95 at the gift shop.

Thank you, Lars.

[Sam] I'm tellin' ya, I got a bad

feeling about that new guy.

You are right. It all started

when he got here, didn't it?

- Sam, it isn't Lars or any of us.

- Look, Jenny.

- I know why youre defending him.

- Pajamas! Come on! Move!

- Putman, pillow.

- Putman Livingston, I presume.

Oh, if it isn't

Little Lord Fauntleroy!

Pip, pip! Tallyho!

I got it. In that song...

Naughty Cal sings

about the scary octopus.

Look at Putman!

Putman is the octopus.

- Hello?

- Dave, just go play with

the curtains or something.

No, no, no. We can't dismiss

that song. What about Carlos and Cliff?

What about the fact that

Hank was buried in the sand like

the buried treasure in the song?

All right,

so maybe the octopus...

is the way

the next person dies?

How do you kill someone

with an octopus?

Octopus spelled backward is "supotco."

Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?

"Supotco"? No.

The word for shoe is zapato.

- Hmm. Shoe.

- Am I the only one who thinks

his head looks like an octopus?

- Shh, shh, shh. Here he comes.

- What did I miss?

- Apparently, somebody's gonna

get killed by a shoe.

- Hmm.

Okay, you guys, instead of

focusing on the song, why don't

we go look for those boats?

- Good idea.

- Jenny, why don't you and I

go search together?

- Um...

- Putman.

- Why dont you and I

go and look for that boat?

- Are you daft?

I'm not going out in the jungle

with you and your bloody shiatsu.

If you're the killer,

you'll snap my neck like a twig.

All right, stick to the shore.

There's no reason to go in the jungle.

The boats are probably

gonna be covered with sticks.

Or branches.

Thanks much, officer.

Aren't you taking any weapons?

- I have all the weapons I need.

- [Scoffs]

Piss on that.

I'm taking a machete.

Thanks for doing this,

Lars.

You're very brave.

Just be careful, all right?

Good luck, Putman.

Better believe I'll be keeping

an eye on you, Mr. Miyagi.

[Chopping]

I know you guys are probably

a little intimidated by

cooking for the whole resort...

but I think youre gonna get

a big kick out of it, okay?

- [Insect Buzzing]

- I bet you watched Yu and Kelly.

And most of it's just common sense.

Like right now...

I'm making my famous

Coconut Pete's Paella.

Can anyone guess

the secret ingredient?

Come on.

Coconut Pete's Paella?

The secret ingredient?

- Coconut... Pete's...

- Eh...

- Coconut?

- Yes, goddamn it! Yes!

Yes!

[Yells]

Jesus! You think Eddie Money

has to put up with this sh*t?

- [Chopping]

- [Yelling, Indistinct]

Goddamn it!

Coconut Pete's Paella!

Jesus Christ.

What you think?

I think Pete's under

a lot of pressure.

I don't think

we can say for sure. God, I don't know.

- What are you doing?

- Uh, you know.

Just, uh, hanging around,

uh, looking through the window.

Calamari?

- Uh...

- It's an aphrodisiac, Juan.

[Chuckles]

- Oh. Oh!

- What's wrong?

You're not afraid of

a little octopus, are you?

[Muffled]

Thank you.

When you're done here...

I want you to come inside

and find me...

'cause I wanna

wrap my little tentacles around you.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

- [Spits Food Out]

- No way.

Think about it, the octopus.

Look, she's a weird little chick,

I'll give you that.

But, look, it still

doesn't prove that she's the killer.

All right. There is only

one way to find out.

## [Romantic Latin]

- Don't be nervous.

- [Chuckles]

Eh, I just want our first time

to be wonderful.

[Penelope Chuckles]

So I would say that

if youre the killer...

just, you know,

just maybe don't kill me.

Or at least make it,

you know, painless.

With those moves of yours, I bet

you could put me down nice and easy.

- Just, zip, and I'm out, right?

- Look.

The whole reason we're hiding

in this closet is because

we think she's the killer.

- Oh.

- [Penelope] I'm gonna bite you.

- [Juan] Well, not too hard, I hope.

- I really like Juan.

I remember when we first met, I was

kinda like, "Who the f*** is this guy?

Some local guy

comin' down here and..."

[Grunting]

- Mmm.

- [Neck Bones Cracking]

[Knuckles Cracking]

- I haven't been entirely honest with you.

- You mean...

you don't really go

to the Oral Roberts?

Aah!

[Sighs]

I mean...

I just wanted to leave

my past behind me when I came here.

What the f*** are you,

a praying mantis woman?

- [Yells]

- L...

I've never been

to a place like this.

I mean, it's just so free.

Juan, I have spent

my whole life in a gym.

I just wanted to party

like everyone else.

My coach, Orgrav,

would kill me if he found out.

He would hunt me down

like a deranged lunatic.

- He's really scary some...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- You are a gymnast?

- Yeah.

Oh!

Gracias.

- [Penelope Moaning Loudly]

- [Juan Shouting In Spanish]

[Juan]

No tushie! No! No!

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