Club Paradise Page #3

Forget her. Snob city.

Besides, all the good k'nish

is already on the beach. Let's unpack.

- Yeah, you're right.

- I gotta get a tan.

- Dynamite rays, man.

- Dynamite rays.

I'm gonna be schvar in two minutes here.

This latitude is good for me.

What do you think

of those two over there?

- They're nice. They look nice.

- Nice?

Forget nice. My mother's nice.

- What are you staring at?

- You told me look, I'm...

Don't stare at them. They're gonna

come over and start talking to us.

Will you relax?

- Where's your subtlety?

- Where's your blood pressure? Putz.

Those hairy guys have been looking at us.

Jackie, don't be pathetic, okay?

There's got to be more to do here

than just lie on a beach...

waiting for strange guys to talk to us.

Well, I'm going to go talk to them.

Hi. Could you do me a favor?

Could you put some lotion on my back?

I don't think so.

I don't want to get my hands all greasy.

We may grab a sandwich in a few minutes.

- Maybe later on.

- Much later.

- Okay. See you later.

- Have fun.

Why don't you be a little nicer?

lf we haven't scored by Thursday...

those two scrags

are going to start looking pretty good.

- Well, what'd they say?

- Oh, they're kind of shy.

Yeah, right.

Randy, there's no water.

The towels are stolen from other hotels,

and there's no soap.

There's no complimentary shampoo.

There's no complimentary sewing kit.

- There's no shower cap.

- It's the same room, all right.

They must've shot it from way up here

with a wide-angled lens.

Maybe a fisheye or something like that.

It's huge in the picture.

I'm gonna sue him.

Randy, this place isn't air-conditioned.

I don't see any little switches.

No little vents.

- I don't believe it.

- Not a word about air conditioning.

I just assumed it.

Well, we'll just have to live with it.

Randy, you do not save a marriage

without air conditioning.

Oh, God.

Did you need to take a leak?

Hot enough for you?

ls everything satisfactory?

No, not really.

Well, we just opened up,

and we're still ironing out the bugs.

I think you'll find most of the bugs

in my room.

We'll have them ironed out immediately.

But it says "private" right here.

How could it be a mistake?

'Cause it wrong.

I know it's wrong,

that's why I'm telling you.

- What's your name?

- Pansy Brown, sir.

- Pansy Brown?

- Yes, sir.

- What seems to be the problem, folks?

- I'll tell you what the problem is.

- Excuse me. Hello, Jack.

- Hello.

Your brochure specifically says,

"Private bath."

And now it seems

that we have to share a bath...

with the gentleman next door.

I think you'll find

that when we say "private"...

we mean that the bathroom's

not open to the general public.

Hey, you're right, though.

This is very misleading.

So I think I should change it and put down,

instead of "private," "secluded."

I'm afraid it's not going

to be that easy, mister.

This is not my first trip out of Cleveland.

Get out of my face

before I rip your nose off.

- Are you threatening me?

- Yes.

Randy, please, put the brochure away.

Jack, I just want to know one thing.

Am I going to be able

to take a decent shower...

or is the water

always going to be like that?

I'm on the case. Tonight you'll have

the finest shower possible.

- The name's Moniker.

- I got it.

Linda.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh...

One-grade, oven-ready, self-basting.

Hey, dinner is served.

- The entre's here.

- Meat.

Meat.

Fashion models, got to be.

- Look at these two Aqua Velva's.

- Hi.

- You think they're with them?

- Are you kidding? Look at them.

They're probably gay.

They're a couple of moes.

Oh, come on.

What, are they trying to make us think

they're straight or something?

Cousins.

- Darling, champagne?

- They have that parachute thing.

- I've always wanted to do that.

- Why?

Why, Randy? Because I want to fly.

I want to feel the wind through my hair.

- I want to live.

- Do you want to play Wiffle tennis?

No, honey,

I don't want to play any Wiffle tennis.

Why don't you just read your book?

I need a little space for a while.

I wonder if I might try

this parachute thing?

Sure, what's your name?

- Linda Whit.

- Chris.

- Hello, Chris.

- Helmut.

Helmut.

- "M," Mississippi.

- Ethiopia.

- No, an "I."

- Ipanema.

That's a song. It's not a place.

It's The Girl from lpanema.

It's fictional, that thing.

- Where do you think she's originally from?

- No, you can't use that, lpanema.

I didn't just make it... I don't want to play.

How's it going, guys? Sorry we didn't

get a chance to talk on the bus.

- Remember me? I'm Jack.

- Barry.

- Barry.

- Whoa, dj vu.

Barry Steinberg. Barry Nye.

Smoked meats.

- Nice to have you here, Barry.

- Listen, what's going on here?

This beach is dead.

It's all Preparation and no H.

What, are you blind?

You got dogs under these chairs, man?

Come on, check it out.

What about those two?

- I don't think they're interested.

- Too tall.

Come on,

they were just talking to me about you.

- No. They weren't.

- Really?

They said that you weren't fit

to sleep with pigs. But I stood up for you.

- What did you say?

- I said you were.

- All right.

- All right. Okay.

So, come on, get out there, mingle.

I guarantee if you stick with it,

by tonight...

your meat'll be smoked.

You know what I'm saying?

- See you tonight. Big reggae dance.

- Thanks, man. See you later.

- We'll just cinch you up a bit.

- Very good, you have very strong legs.

- Linda, are you ready to fly?

- Yes, I am.

Linda, the sky is yours.

Randy!

Randy!

Randy!

I'm not wearing this shirt.

Look at it. Look at this shirt.

- Look, I won't wear it.

- Guys, you on a union 10?

Make it 15. We'll get together one day.

We'll have lunch.

Yeah, lunch.

Roll one for me.

Did you rehearse?

Fireburn for these songs. I have

my own songs. I'm not doing these songs.

Don't do this to me, partner. Come on,

we've promised these people a floorshow.

These are good songs.

They love these songs.

Anyone hear these songs,

don't want to hear these songs anymore.

And plus, I can't wear

all these Babylon clothes...

- And smiling for all these people.

- Do you think I like wearing these clothes?

Do you think I like

looking like a Hawaiian pimp?

You know, I knew another proud,

young, black man like yourself once.

And I gave him some advice, too.

I told him, "Wear one glove.

"Just one glove." The rest was history.

- And who was that?

- Willie Mays. Come on.

You wear these clothes,

you sing these songs...

and I guarantee I'll have you

back in center field.

I don't know what that center field is,

but I tell you...

I'll do it just once.

And then I'm going to burn these clothes.

Aye, Reed, man. Aye, Reed.

That hair is a downright,

everlasting disgrace.

Now, I've been working

in better hotels than this for 25 years.

- Who hasn't?

- And I never had hair like that...

into my kitchen, yet. It is unsanitary.

I don't know why he must have all that

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