Club Paradise Page #4

boogooyaga hair on him head at all.

He better cut it off or go.

It's all right. You're right.

It's very, very boogooyaga.

I'll talk to him, and I'll work this thing out.

Tree, what's happening?

Oh, no, thanks.

Last time I smoked that stuff,

they found me on top of the Sears Tower...

trying to build a nest.

Now, I love your hair, man.

It's natural hair, and you're a natural man.

But I'm getting a lot of flak

from the Health Department.

And even I'm a little uncomfortable

with the possibility...

of one of the guests picking

a 5-foot hair out of their tuna salad.

You dig where I'm coming from?

Yeah, man, I dig where you're

coming from, but I can't cut my hair, man.

You can't cut your hair.

I know how we can work this one out.

Come with me.

Portia, I'd like you to meet

your new assistant cook.

Everybody say hello to Hat.

- Passable.

- Watch out for those fans, baby.

Sol, the boys are back.

Our ship has come in.

- Now we gotta deliver.

- It's that fireman.

I have used every legal means

at my disposal...

and still they will not be moved.

Sol, don't go legal on me now.

We need this. There must be some way

to get to this guy.

Taking up the game, Mr. Zerbe?

It's a pain in the ass. Get rid of the horses,

you'd have a good game.

Let's roll, Noel. Listen, can we talk?

At last, a bribe.

It's about your friend

Jack what's-his-name and that club.

You should really talk to him.

I'd hate to see anybody get hurt.

How very thoughtful.

I'm just trying to do

what's best for everybody.

Too kind.

There, that's the way this game

should be played.

I can't tell you the feeling

of flying through those trees.

I have never felt more alive

in my entire life.

Isn't it great, Randy? Lsn't it fantastic?

I don't know.

Well, I thought it was.

Wasn't today fun?

Didn't you have any fun?

I found a shell.

Randy, you may have to try

just a little bit harder.

Tomorrow Helmut and Christopher

are giving me cliff-diving lessons.

Won't you try it just at least once?

Nothing could be more fun than jumping

off a cliff with two German bisexuals.

- What?

- Nothing.

The shower better work now.

I don't believe it.

Randy!

Randy!

- Mrs. White, how do you do it?

- Easy.

How was that shower?

- Brutal.

- Really?

I'd say there's about a foot of water

in our room.

When it rains, it pours. Have a nice night.

Look, why don't you come

and tell me what the problem is.

- Nice resort.

- Nice pants.

The '60s are over, pal.

Your Excellency.

You are looking elegant this evening.

Why are we graced

with your imperial presence?

The fact is, one can smell the suntan oil...

and the frying female flesh

right across the island.

I was curious to see what was going on...

at this perverted passion pit

you're running here.

This orgy bin, this... Whatever you call

this drug-crazed nipple ranch.

I take it you're looking

for a little female companionship.

You've come to the right place, 'cause

you got the pearls, we got the swine.

Before I turn my hormones loose...

I did have something official that I wanted

to discuss with you in private.

Forgive me, but I thought most of your

official duties consisted of a lot of this.

No. While you have been occupied

in fishing loose diaphragms...

out of the swimming pool filters...

I have been engaged in matters

of the utmost importance...

to everyone on this island.

We don't have a swimming pool.

Nevertheless, if you do have a nook

which is not actually knee-deep...

in seminal fluid, I do think

it's rather important we have a chat.

I'll try and find a dry spot, and we'll talk.

But if you're really interested

in something wonderful...

I think you should check out the woman

in the blue, possibly silk, top.

Why should I check her out?

Because she's a writer for

The New York Times travel section...

and if you charm her pants off

and drive her to China...

she might write a real nice piece

about this place.

Drinks on the house. Doubles.

- Lf you think it will help.

- Bless you.

Oh, dear. Am I too late for the main event?

No, I think the guests will be allowed

to graze for a few more minutes...

- Before the alleged entertainment begins.

- May I join you?

I guess that's how it works.

The fireman told me to check you out.

I believe you're a journalist?

Will you scribble a little something

about this place?

I wouldn't know what to say. It sort of

reminds me of a Japanese POW camp.

- What do you do?

- Guess.

Too tan to hold a respectable job.

Retired millionaire?

Hardly. I haven't any money anywhere.

That's why people like me

live in the West Indies.

It's one of the best places in the world

in which to be poor.

No little mouths to feed?

There was one very big mouth,

but my wife left me several years ago.

Couldn't stand the tropics?

Loved the tropics.

It was me she couldn't stand.

- You want to make our move?

- Let's sit down.

All right then, let's do it.

- Which one do you want?

- I'll take the brown hair.

- They both have brown hair.

- I'll take the banana.

- Okay.

- Cool.

Good evening, ladies.

Mind if my father and I join you?

You look so familiar. Were you

at Club Med Martinique last year?

- No.

- Club Universal in Hawaii?

- No.

- Swingles in Fort Lauderdale?

- No.

- You know what I think?

I think we met in another life.

- Do you have anything to smoke?

- Unreal!

- Are you kidding?

- You must be psychic.

We were just talking about that before,

getting stoned.

I thought we were the only two heads

on the lsland.

I tell you what, we're going to go out

and cop some primo Cannabis sativa.

And the four of us will get

totally demented. What do you think?

- Stoned out of our gourds. Okay?

- Catch you in a while?

Save our seats. We'll be right back, okay?

Right here waiting for you.

- Really?

- No seeds.

No seeds? Nice and clean?

We should come with you,

is this what you're saying?

- Okay, so we'll do that now?

- Where's your friend?

Yeah, he's right there.

Okay, I'm going to get him.

Bar, Bar. We're out of here. Let's go.

So what's the deal?

The deal is,

major score of domestic homegrown...

uncut, pure weed, happening here tonight.

Major score.

- All right.

- Okay? All right?

- How far is it?

- Not far.

- How long is it going to take to get there?

- Not long. Relax.

Like how long? Five minutes?

Ten minutes? Half an hour?

He said, "Soon come." You know what

that means? Lt means it's coming soon.

It takes 45 minutes to get a drink

on this island.

- How long is it going to take?

- Will you relax? The deal's done.

So let me get this get this straight.

The deal is that we're riding in a car...

with a guy we don't even know.

He's wearing sunglasses in the middle

of the night, taking us up into a jungle.

Some godforsaken...

Nice deal, good negotiating. That's good.

Why don't we just hand him our wallets

and slit our own throats?

He's cool. The guy's cool.

Now a very, very special guest,

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