Clueless Page #2

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from you on how to be cool.

Tell me that part

about Kenny G. Again.

Come on, you chuckleheads!

Get in here!

Josh, are you still growing?

You look taller than you did at Easter.

I don't think so.

His head looks bigger.

So, Josh, have you given any thought

to our discussion about corporate law?

I think I'd like

to check out environmental law.

What for? You want to have

a miserable, frustrating life?

Josh will have that

no matter what he does.

He knows what he wants to do.

He's in a good college.

I'd like to see you

have some direction.

I have direction.

Yeah. Towards the mall.

Where's your report card?

It's not ready yet.

What do you mean

it's not ready yet?

Some teachers were trying

to lowball me, Daddy.

You say never accept a first offer.

These grades are a jumping-off point

to start negotiations.

Very good.

- Dee? -

Hello? - Yeah?

Yeah, Jake. What?

No! Not the afternoon!

You are such a brownnoser.

You are such

a superficial space cadet.

What makes you think your teachers

will change your grades?

Only the fact that I've done it

every other semester.

I told my P.E. teacher

an evil male had broken my heart.

So she raised my C to a B.

They're horrible! Don't feel bad!

And they're all like this.

Then I promised Miss Geist

I'd start a letter-writing

campaign to my congressman

about violations of the Clean Air Act.

But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.

He said my debates

were unresearched, unstructured,

and unconvincing.

As if!

I felt impotent and out of control,

which I really hate.

I needed to find sanctuary

in a place where

I could gather my thoughts

and regain my strength.

What's wrong?

Are you suffering from

buyer's remorse or something?

No. Nothing like that.

We've been shopping all day,

and I still don't know

what to do about Mr. Hall.

I've tried everything

to convince him

of my scholastic aptitude,

but I was brutally rebuffed.

He's a miserable little man

who wants to make

everyone else miserable, too.

Dee, that's it!

We've got to figure out a way

to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.

Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall...

He's single, he's 47,

and he earns minor ducats

at a thankless job.

What that man needs

is a good, healthy boink fest.

Unfortunately,

there was a major

babe drought in my school.

The evil trolls

from the math department

were actually married.

Ooh, Snickers.

And in the grand tradition

of P.E. teachers,

Ms. Stoeger seemed

to be same-sex oriented.

Of course, there was always Miss Geist.

Something told me

not to discount Miss Geist.

Well, sure,

she has runs in her stockings,

and her slip is always showing,

and she has more lipstick

on her teeth than on her mouth.

Popular uprisings from

estates to the general assembly!

God, this woman is

screaming for a makeover.

I'm her only hope.

Rough winds do shake

the darling buds of May,

but thy eternal summer

shall not fade. "

Did you write that?

Tscha! It's a famous quote.

From where?

Cliffs Notes.

Run along. See you third period.

Try to remember

to bring our textbooks.

Oh, my God!

She actually looked happy.

Classic!

Paradoasm Banofshon...

16 tardies to work off.

Janet Hong... no tardies.

Travis Birkenstock... 38 tardies.

By far the most tardies in the class.

Congratulations.

This is so unexpected.

I didn't even have a speech prepared.

Uh, but I would like to say this.

Tardiness is not something

you can do all on your own.

Many, many people

contributed to my tardiness.

Thanks to my parents for never

giving me a ride to school,

the L.A. city bus driver for

taking a chance on an unknown kid,

the wonderful crew at McDonald's

for spending hours

making those Egg McMuffins,

without which

I might never be tardy.

If Mr. Birkenstock

has no political messages

to include in his speech,

I'll go on.

Cher Horowitz... two tardies.

I object!

Do you recall the dates

of these alleged tardies?

One was last Monday.

Mr. Hall,

I was surfing the crimson wave.

I had to haul ass to the ladies.

I assume you are referring

to women's troubles,

so I'll let that one slide.

Thank you, Mr. Hall.

Miss Geist was right about you.

What do you mean?

Well, she said that you were

the only one in this school

with any intelligence.

Cher, get in here.

Yes, Daddy?

Will you tell me

what the hell this is?

A second notice for

three outstanding tickets.

I don't remember

getting a first notice.

The ticket is the first notice.

I didn't know you could

get tickets without a license!

Sure you can.

You can get tickets anytime.

Well, not around here you can't.

From this moment on,

you will not drive,

sit, do anything in that Jeep

without a supervised driver.

No cruising around with Dionne.

Two permits do not

equal a license.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Daddy.

Cher, I expect you

to become a good driver.

I will. I'm going to

practice real hard.

O.K.

A licensed driver

with nothing to do?

Where would I find such a loser?

Granola breath, you got

something on your chin.

I'm growing a goatee.

You don't want

to be the last one

at the coffeehouse

without chin pubes.

I enjoy these little chats of ours,

but in the interest of saving time,

just tell me what you want.

O.K.

So, actually, I have a permit,

but Daddy says

I can't take the Jeep out

without a licensed driver.

Since you're not doing anything...

What are the chances

of you shutting up

till you get your way?

Slim to none.

Come on.

Hey, James Bond.

In America, we drive

on the right side of the road.

I am. You try driving in platforms.

I got to get back to school.

Want to practice parking?

What's the point?

Everywhere you go has valet.

What class you going to?

Actually, I'm going

to a Tree People meeting.

We might get Marky Mark

to plant a celebrity tree.

How fabulous.

Getting Marky Mark to take time

from his busy

pants-dropping schedule

to plant trees.

Why don't you hire a gardener?

Maybe Marky Mark

wants to use his popularity

for a good cause,

make a contribution.

In case you've

never heard of that,

a contribution is...

I have donated

many Italian outfits to Lucy.

As soon as I get my license,

I fully intend

to brake for animals,

and I have contributed many hours

to helping two lonely teachers

find romance.

Which I'll bet serves

your interests more than theirs.

If I ever saw you do anything

that wasn't 90% selfish,

I'd die of shock.

Oh, that would be

reason enough for me.

Would you call me selfish?

No. Not to your face.

Really?

Is Josh giving you sh*t

because he's in

his postadolescent idealistic phase?

Look, there's Mr. Hall.

Mr. Hall! Mr. Hall!

Um, do you drink coffee?

Not from this cafeteria.

Yes, under normal circumstances.

I am such a retard.

When I was packing Daddy's lunch,

I gave him my lemon Snapple

and took his sucky Italian roast.

Do you want it?

You sure you don't want it?

Tscha! It might stunt my growth.

I want to be 5'10

like Cindy Crawford.

But I thought you or Miss Geist

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