Clueless Page #8

---

Oh, but today's the driving test.

It's my most capable-looking outfit.

O.K., I call them.

Oh, it's too late now.

Oh, we got another notice

from the fire department,

saying we have to

clear out the bush.

You said Jose would do it.

He your gardener. You tell him.

Lucy, I don't speak Mexican.

I not a Mexican!

Great. What was that all about?

Lucy's from El Salvador.

So?

It's an entirely different country.

What does that matter?

You get upset if someone

thinks you live below Sunset.

So everything is all my fault.

I'm always wrong, right?

You're such a brat.

I had an overwhelming sense of ickyness.

Even though I apologized to Lucy,

something was still plaguing me.

Like Josh thinking

I was mean was making me postal.

Move into the right lane.

Anyway, why should I care

what Josh thinks?

Why was I letting it throw me

into such turmoil?

Watch out for the bike rid...

Oops! My bad.

What are you doing?

You can't take up both lanes.

Get in the right lane.

Not so...

Ooh! Should I write them a note?

Pull over up here

and turn off the engine.

Right there.

Oh!

Are you going to take me somewhere

to make left-hand turns?

We're going back.

It's over?

It's over.

Well, how did I do?

How did you do?

Well, let's see, shall we?

You can't park,

you can't switch lanes,

you can't make

right-hand turns,

you've damaged private property,

and you almost killed someone.

Offhand, I'd say you failed.

Failed?

Well, can't we just start over?

I mean, I'm kind

of having a personal problem.

My mind was somewhere else.

That biker came out of nowhere!

Oh! I swear I'll concentrate!

I drive really good, usually.

Isn't there somebody else

I can talk to?

You can't be

the absolute and final word

in driver's licenses.

Girlie, as far

as you're concerned,

I'm the messiah of the DMV.

Now, get out of the car.

I can't believe I failed.

I failed something

I couldn't talk my way out of?

Go ahead, yeah.

Put your legs into me.

Hey, you're home.

How does it feel

to have a license?

I wouldn't know. I failed.

Oh. Bummer.

And, Josh, spare me your lectures

on how driving is

such a big responsibility

and you can't B.S.

your way through it.

I didn't say anything.

I know what you're thinking.

I got to tell you something.

I'm really sorry about your test.

I am so glad you're here.

There's something I got to do.

I need you here. Does this work?

Yeah. What is this stuff?

A bunch of junk

that reminded me of Elton.

I want to burn it

because I'm so over him.

What stuff?

Do you remember

when we were at the Val party

and the clog knocking me out

and Elton got a towel of ice?

I didn't tell you at the time,

but I took the towel as a souvenir.

You're kidding.

No.

And then...

remember that song

that was playing when we danced?

Remember that?

You know, Rollin' With The Homies.

Anyways, I got the tape, right?

I listened to it, like,

every single night.

Don't burn that, O.K.?

Tai, I'm really happy for you,

but what brought on

this surge of empowerment?

It's, like, I met this guy

who's so totally amazing

that he makes Elton

look like a loser.

That is so great.

Look, you've got to

help me get Josh.

Get Josh what?

You know what I mean?

I like him.

Do you think

that he likes you?

Yeah.

How do you know?

Like, little things, you know?

Like, he always finds

some sort of way

to touch me or tickle me.

Do you remember

the time at the frat

when I was totally depressed?

We danced, and he was really flirty.

You O.K.?

Yeah. Oh, actually...

I was really bad today.

I had two mochaccinos.

I feel like ralphing.

I know exactly how that feels.

Like, the other day,

I was talking to Josh,

and we were discussing

the difference

between high school girls

and college girls.

College girls wear less makeup.

That's why guys like them more.

But, Tai, do you really think

you'd be good with Josh?

I mean, he's, like,

a school nerd.

Am I some sort of

a mentally challenged airhead?

No! Not even!

I didn't say that.

I'm not good enough

for Josh or something?

I... I just... don't think

you mesh well together.

You don't think

that we mesh well?

Why am I even listening to you

to begin with?

You're a virgin who can't drive.

Oh, that was way harsh, Tai.

All right. Look, I'm really sorry.

Let's just talk when

we've mellowed, all right?

I'm Audi.

What did I do?

I've created some sort of a monster.

I could feel the chunks

start to rise up in my throat.

I had to get out.

# When I was young?

# I never needed anyone?

Everything I think

and everything I do is wrong.

I was wrong about Elton.

I was wrong about Christian.

Now Josh hated me.

It all boiled down to

one inevitable conclusion...

I was just totally clueless.

Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing

was wiggin' me more than anything.

What was my problem? Tai is my pal.

I don't begrudge her a boyfriend.

I really... Ooh!

I wonder if they have that in my size.

What does she want with Josh anyway?

He dresses funny.

He listens to complaint rock.

He's not even cute...

in a conventional way.

I mean, he's just like this slug

who hangs around

the house all the time.

And he's a hideous dancer.

Couldn't take him anywhere.

Wait a second.

What am I stressing about?

This is, like, Josh.

# All by myself?

O.K., O.K.,

so he's kind of a Baldwin.

What would he want with Tai?

She couldn't make him happy.

Josh needs someone with imagination,

someone to take care of him,

someone to laugh at his jokes...

in case he ever makes any.

Then suddenly...

Oh, my God.

I love Josh.

I am majorly, totally,

crazy in love with Josh.

But now I don't know

how to act around him.

I mean, ordinarily,

I'd strut around him

in my cutest little outfits

and send myself flowers and candy,

but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.

What's with you?

What do you mean?

You're so quiet.

You haven't made me

watch The Real World.

I care about the news.

Since when?

Since now.

...In Central Bosnia.

You look confused.

Well, uh, I thought they

declared peace in the Middle East.

Cher, get in here!

What's up, Daddy?

What are you doing dancing

in front of my office?

Nothing. I just wanted to see

if you need any help with anything.

Yeah, you can help me

with something.

Come over here.

All right.

Every time that you see

a telephone conversation

that took place on September 3rd,

highlight it.

- Just September 3rd.

- O.K.

It's fun, huh?

Yeah.

O.K.

Daddy, did you ever have a problem

that you couldn't

argue your way out of?

Tell me the problem,

and we'll figure out how to argue it.

I like this boy,

and he likes someone else.

How could that be?

I don't know. I feel wretched.

Obviously, this boy

is a complete moron.

You are the most beautiful girl

in Beverly Hills.

And to tell you the truth,

I'm not sure I want you

with a stupid fellow.

Well, actually, he is a smart guy.

He's one of those do-gooder types.

I feel like my after-school

Rate this script:3.2 / 10 votes