Clueless Page #7

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while I was packing Daddy up.

He said he'd come over

with some videotapes.

A night alone with Christian?

I sent for reinforcements.

Then Dee and I had

to design a lighting concept.

And costume decisions.

I don't rely on mirrors,

so I always take Polaroids.

# And you're the one

I've always planned to be...?

Whenever a boy comes,

you should always

have something baking.

# I believe I'm you?

# Yes, I do?

# I believe I'm you?

# You know it's true?

Oh... I'm still all red!

I'm trying to make you

as white as I can, Cher.

Look, you're all flushed.

You have to calm down, O.K.?

Calm.

You know, I am so glad I never did it

with someone I had lukewarm feelings for

because Christian is brutally hot,

and I am going to

remember tonight forever.

Blot.

Hi.

Is something burning?

Oh, my God!

Oops.

Aw, honey, you baked.

I tried.

Come on. Show me

the rest of your pad.

Your father has

a well-rounded collection.

Daddy says it's a good investment.

He's absolutely right.

Claes Oldenburg.

He's way famous.

Ooh.

But this is older, see?

Transitional.

A very important piece.

Um, you want to go swimming?

Mmm.

Let's watch the movies.

Oh, O.K.

Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis,

so he brought over Some Like It Hot

and Sparatacus.

Singer of songs.

For whom did you practice

this wondrous talent?

For the children of my master,

whom I also taught the classics.

Classics, indeed?

What position have we, I wonder,

for a boy of such varied gifts?

You shall be my body servant.

All of you, come with me.

My feet are cold.

Huh. Thanks.

Oh, watch this part.

This is good.

Are you O.K.?

Uh, I'm fine.

Um, do you want some...

something to drink?

I could get you some wine.

No. You notice how wine makes people

want to feel, like, sexy?

Well, that's O.K.

I'm actually getting tired.

But I can make you

some coffee if you'd like.

Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.

But you had all

those cappuccinos before.

Oh. Well, you know,

that was, like, uh, foam.

You're great.

We're friends, right?

Yeah.

Knock me a little kiss.

See you.

I don't get it.

Did my hair get flat?

Did I stumble into

some bad lighting?

What's wrong with me?

Nothing.

Maybe he really was tired.

I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

He does dress better than I do.

What would I bring

to the relationship?

Get back into the right lane...

What's the first thing you do?

First thing I do

is put on my blinker.

- Oh, wait. Sh*t.

- Watch the road!

Stop. Then I look

in my mirror. O.K.

Then I glance

at my blind spot.

With your head,

not the whole car!

I swear to God.

I swear to God, woman!

You can't drive for sh*t!

I'm not trying to hear that.

Hear me! You...

Actually, going all the way

is, like, a really big decision.

I can't believe I was

so capricious about it.

Dee, I almost had sex with him.

You almost had sex with who?

Christian.

What?

Yo, look!

Are you b*tches blind or something?

Your man Christian is a cake boy.

- A what?

- A what?

He's a disco-dancing,

Oscar-Wilde-reading,

Streisand ticket-holding

friend of Dorothy.

Uh-uh. No way.

He's gay.

Not even.

Yes, even.

He does like to shop, Cher,

and the boy can dress.

Oh, my God.

I'm totally buggin'.

I feel like such a bonehead.

What the hell?

Yo! You're getting on the freeway!

Turn right! Get out of the lane!

No, no! Forget procedure!

Get out of the lane!

Truck! Truck! Truck!

We're on the freeway!

What do I do, Murray?

Go straight! Go straight!

Go straight!

Oh, sh*t!

Just relax and drive, baby.

Just relax and drive.

O.K.

I'm here with you. I'm here with you.

Shut up!

Aah!

Whatever you do,

keep your hands

on the wheel at all times!

Aah!

Look, just go!

Aah!

Go to the right!

Oh, there it is.

All right, we're off.

Woo!

Damn. You did wonderful.

It's all right, baby.

Relax, relax, relax.

Honey, relax. Baby, relax.

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe.

Let it out.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Relax, relax.

Boy, getting off the freeway

makes you realize

how important love is.

After that, Dionne's virginity

went from technical to nonexistent.

I realized how much I wanted

a boyfriend of my own.

Not that Christian wasn't

a blast to hang out with.

He was becoming one of

my favorite shopping partners.

So was the red.

Um, where's Tai?

She met some random guys

at the Foot Locker

and escorted them right over there.

Oh, my God! Did you...

I don't know where

she meets these Barneys.

I have a question, all right?

What?

The jacket...

Is it James Dean

or Jason Priestley?

Carpe diem, O.K.?

You looked hot in it.

Really?

If I fall, would you guys catch me?

Could they please be more generic?

Aah! Stop it!

Please!

Bring me back up!

Aah!

Let me down!

Thank you.

You a**hole!

Hey, man, we're just joking.

Oh, really?

Somebody could get killed.

Oh, my God.

Cher, you don't understand.

I was sitting there.

I was just talking to those guys.

All of a sudden,

we were laughing and...

Hey, you O.K.?

Y- yeah.

You sure?

I'm fine. Uh-huh.

Let's get you home for some R and R.

What's that?

Boy, considering

how clueless she was,

Tai certainly had

that damsel-in-distress act down.

Meanwhile, back at school,

everyone was talking about

Tai's brush with death at the mall.

Was it a montage of all the scenes

in your life?

Not exactly a montage.

Hey, Cher, is it true gang members

tried to shoot Tai?

No.

That's what everyone's saying.

Whatever.

When I was 9,

I fell off this jungle gym.

I swear I saw this...

Will you move down for Cher?

Tell me more. Tell me more.

Where was I?

You were thinking about

what was really important.

Oh, right, right.

Right before you die,

your mind just

sort of gets very clear.

It's a very intense spiritual thing.

I know when I was held

at gunpoint...

Excuse me. You were saying?

It's spiritual.

I can't pinpoint the spirituality.

If you've never

experienced anything...

Tai, I was planning on going to Tower

and getting something for Christian.

Uh-huh.

Like some kind

of present or something.

- You want to come?

- Sure. I owe him my life.

I'll get you after school.

Yeah.

Not today. I'm going

over to Melrose with Amber.

We're going to Melrose.

Oh. Well, how about tomorrow?

Do you think we could

do it next Monday?

My week's filling up fast here.

When we got back

from the IHOP, it was 8:00.

Here comes your boyfriend.

Tai, check it out.

- Ew!

- Ew!

Hey, could you shove down

a little bit?

No.

Don't the slackers prefer

that grassy knoll over there?

Tai, so anyway,

have you ever done it in water?

- Oh, yeah.

- Really?

What was happening?

Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?

Tai being the most popular girl

in the school?

It was like

some sort of alternate universe.

On top of everything else,

I was going to take the driving test,

so I had to find my most

responsible-looking ensemble.

Where's my white collarless shirt?

Lucy, where's my shirt?

Probably at the cleaner.

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