Cockneys Vs Zombies Page #6

We need another van.

- Katy.

- Yeah.

- Can you hot-wire anything?

- 'Course. Why?

F***ing hell! Ha ha ha! Yes! Hah! Wooo!

- Why've we stopped?

- There's a red light.

There's no other f***ing

traffic, you plum.

Just drive!

Just be a rebel for once in

your life, Terrence, please.

Well, for f***'s sake!

Excuse me for obeying highway code!

Get off our bus, you f***ing mug!

No ticket.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

Yep, all right.

Well, look, they might be all right.

They probably locked themselves

in the basement or summat.

I don't think there is a basement, mate.

We need to make a diversion.

Well, leave that to me.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. Okay.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- There's loads... There's loads...

Now, take this, if we're

longer than ten minutes...

- Then f***ing wait longer.

- Will do.

Hey, guys! Come here, you big losers!

Woo-oo! Come on!

Go, go, go, go!

Let's go!

Come on! Over here!

There are too many of 'em.

Ain't there a safer way in?

Skylight.

- Yeah, go, go, go!

- Okay.

- I'll do it.

- Right, work your magic, girl.

- You see out?

- No.

- Think you got twisted, luv.

- Yeah, f*** off.

Done.

Careful.

Go f*** yourselves, you zombie bastards!

Jesus Christ!

Terry, what are you doing here?

We came to to save you, then you try

and use my face as a chopping board.

Well, I thought you was a

f***ing zombie, didn't I?

Hello, sweetheart. Well, they

dragged you along with them too?

I volunteered.

Yeah, all right. Let's get reacquainted

later. We need all of youse...

to climb up here so we can go down

the fire escape. All right, let's go.

You're having a

"tin bath" (laugh), aintcha?

Eric is a "Raspberry Ripple" (cripple),

Darryl's got his bad leg,

and Hamish is on his

third hip replacement.

Okay, is there anyone down there

that has not had a hip replacement?

I ain't. Now come down here,

and we'll talk about it.

All right.

- Oh, Andy! Andy!

- All right, Doreen?

All right, all right.

Where do we go from here?

- Out the front door.

- Yep.

Oh, f***'s sake, we've

been saved, everyone.

Laurel and f***ing Hardy

here's come to rescue us.

You haven't seen out in the yon' yet.

There's hundreds of zombies out there.

No, outside we've got

a double-decker bus.

so if it'll all get there,

we're laughing, all right?

Yeah, well, we got a knife,

we got a few forks,

and a f***ing Alligator

Lopper over there.

And... we got this.

Boys, boys, now you're

talking my language.

Right, who wants this?

Uzi 9 millimetre.

Remember, finger off the trigger,

till you're ready to shoot.

- Thank you, thank you very much.

- No problem.

Peggy, would you fancy something

like this? I mean, is it...

Wow!

All right, so you know

what to do with this, yeah?

Of course I do.

- Sorry.

- Just be f***ing careful, will ya?

- Eric!

- Sorry.

And voila, I call her "The B*tch".

- You ready?

- Yep.

Let's do this.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

You gotta shoot them in the head.

- We know where to f***ing shoot 'em!

- All right.

That was it?!

Oh, well d... Marvellous!

Darryl, where're you going?

What're you doing? Come on.

Ey! Ey, look!

Wrong leg, silly bullet.

Bastard! Had enough, have ya?

Yeah, well, I think he's dead. Come on.

- Could I put me leg on?

- All right.

Hello, Natasha.

Sorry, lover.

I don't really fancy you anymore.

- That was really sad.

- Yeah.

Push me, somebody.

This bastard is mine.

I've got your back, bro!

Eat lead, zombie!

Come on.

"Gordon Bennett" (God blind me)!

There's tons of the bastards.

- Yes! Yes!

- I'm coming!

Now, you're gonna get it!

Come and get the door, boy.

Your time has come, mister. Yeah!

Come on, Doreen. Get in.

God! They are just... unbelievable!

Here you go, Hamish.

Go! Go! Go! Get in the bus!

Get in the bus!

Andy, do we need all these bags?

What? Are these guns too?

Hello. Are you a friend of the boys?

Oh, um, I'm Emma. Um, no, I just met the

boys at the robbery this morning, so...

Robbery?

Funny story, actually. Um, we found out

that the care home is closing down,

and, you know, we...

we didn't want you to go up north...

And?

Well, we wanted to look after you so...

we sort of, uhm... robbed the bank.

You robbed the bank?!

After all I've tried to teach

you about working for a living?

After what happened to your mum

and dad, God rest their souls?

How much did you get?

Two and a half million.

Well, that was really stupid.

Two and a half million.

It was irresponsible and wrong. But you

definitely got the Maguire genes in you.

You're not angry?

Look, you risked prison to make sure

me and this lot were taken care of.

You risked your lives

to come and save us.

I'm impressed.

Cheers.

But if you ever do it again,

I shall knock seven shades

of sh*t out of the barrier!

We won't, granddad.

And don't f***ing call me granddad!

Terry, come on! Get your toe down!

Let's get out of here!

F***! I broke the gearbox.

Jesus Christ! I take it back!

You're a pair of idiots!

We're near the river.

Maybe you can find a boat.

Good idea! Let's get to the docks.

Go! Go! Go!

You can't have some at all!

- Come on, Hamish!

- Oh, for f***'s sake!

Doing well... Doing brilliant...

Keep up!

Go! Get on the boat!

Hamish, come on, mate, hurry!

Not much further.

F***ing die!

Come on, Hamish!

Just got to get over there, okay?

- Get the boat started!

- Take the bag!

Hamish, you're nearly there, bruv!

Where's the key?

Come on, Hamish, sprint!

Stay!... Down!

Come on, Hammy.

- You all right, guys?!

- Yes, come on!

Get on the boat! Get on the boat!

Oh, there it is!

We can't go! We're still chained!

F***.

Oh, f***ing hell! You want summat

done, do it your f***ing self!

Youse two! Look after Katy... and Peggy!

And get a f***ing job, or I'll

come back and f***ing haunt cha!

- What're you doing?!

- Granddad!

- Granddad!

- Go, granddad!

- Granddad!

- Granddad!

Go away! F*** off!

- F*** off! F*** off!

- Don't f***ing shoot him!

You're free! You're free! You're free!

Right.

- Andy!

- Andy!

Oi! I'll take the f***ing lot of ya!

And so will his brother!

And so will their cousin!

This is for our granddad, you shits!

Come on!

I told you not to call me granddad!

Come on!

- Katy, I'm out!

- Here!

Katy!

Oh, for f***'s sake! Not you again?

Oh, Ray!

Oh, that is disgusting.

All right, granddad.

All right, that'll do.

- Oh, Andy. Oh, my baby. Oh...

- Oh, cheers. Cheers, Doreen, yeah.

Do you think they will sort this out?

They can't just leave it. I mean, we

grew up here. It's part of our history.

East End's been through far worse, Katy.

It'll bounce back. Always has.

You know why? 'Cause we're strong.

Well said! And if it comes to it,

I shall round up every nutter,

from Bermondsey to Canning Town,

and we'll f***ing sort this out,

the way we have done for centuries,

through the ages.

We will look them in the eye.

We'll face them square on.

We'll fight them, and we'll win.

We shall prevail!

Hurray! Yeah!

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