Cockneys Vs Zombies Page #5

Oh, great, another one.

F***ing hell, that is mingin'.

Use your gun.

Nah, I'm gonna take a gun in it's face.

Might be just better to shoot it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

How'd you f***ing turn it on?!

Safety catch!

- Where?!

- Oh, for f***'s sake, there!

- Otherwise it ain't gonna work.

- Thanks.

Can you get free, Clive?

- No, it's too tight.

- Oh, great.

Hang on, I can get loose.

Oh, oh, great, let me see, let me see.

- I'm doing a knot.

- Twizzle, twizzle.

Let me have a look. Let me have a look.

- Oh, that's it, that's it.

- Chew the knot.

Oh, okay, let me try and bite it.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Okay, a little bit to the left.

- Yeah.

Oh... you can do it. You can do...

Oh, sh*t! He's turned! Oh, sh*t!

Uh... Clive...

- Help us! For God's sake!

- Help!

Oh, f***. The hostages.

Quick! Get back in here!

We're tied up, you f***ing idiots!

Right, in that case, Tuppence, block

that door. You two, come with me.

- Right! Untie 'em!

- He's turned! Shoot him!

Right, you're with me, sunshine!

Come here!

Sit down!

- Shoot him!

- I did!

Shoot him again then!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

There's a metal plate in his head!

Well, think of something else!

Grab it! Grab it!

Right, you can have this back, mate!

Go on! Go on!

Sorry, mate. Go on!

- Ter! You all right?

- Yeah.

I am! I blocked the window.

They can't get through.

Great.

Oh, bollocks!

Get back! Put your hands up!

Oh, leave it out, mate.

Shut up! I'm in charge now.

And we're all going to the police.

Don't be stupid.

We've got bigger problems now.

I don't care!

They're all going to prison!

Mate, you might want to turn around.

There's a couple of zombies

creeping up behind ya.

Oh, really? Do you...

honestly think I'm that stupid?

Well... yeah.

Davey!

Please! Get it off me!

I have a heart condition!

Sh*t!

You're all right, mate.

We'll get you to a hospital.

- This way!

- Clive!

I'm f***ed up, admit it.

No, no, don't be daft. You're good as

gold, mate. Good as gold. Good as gold.

Was it... Was it all right

the way we did the robbery?

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, no, textbook.

At least... At least, it looks that way.

Yeah, mate. As soon as we get all this

sorted, we'll be down at a pub, mate.

We'll be raising.

Davey...

Davey...

I'm sorry, Andy.

He's gone.

We're going to the old folks' home now.

We're gonna save granddad

and his pals, all right?

Sweetheart.

Go on, take it. Go on.

Now, you can either come with us, or we

can drop you off on the way, all right?

Well, my sister's in Marland.

Could you get me there?

All right.

Rest in peace, Tuppence.

Giddy up.

Piss off!

We'll be okay, Ray. We'll make it.

Yeah, no thanks to me. Look at me,

I'm bloody useless. I can't do anything.

Oh, don't, Ray. You've got to see it.

You rescued Hamish.

We wouldn't have been here but for you.

I didn't rescue Hamish. I just got him

stuck in here with the rest of us.

And now we're surrounded on all sides!

If these f***ing things get in!...

Then we'll give 'em as good as we get!

I've got the one with the specs.

Hey! No! No! Easy, easy,

take this, take this, all right?

- Get in the car!

- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Mental's got the f***ing keys! Sh*t!

I'll go get 'em.

- No, Andy, you don't need to!

- Andy, don't! It's too dangerous!

I'll be fine!

Hello... Uh... Okay...

Eww... Go away... You queer thing.

- You all right?

- Yeah...

What are you doing here?

Saving your arse as per f***ing usual,

mate. What, you think Imma let you die?

Oh, piss off, you muppets! I'll take you

all on and so will my f***ing brother!

F***ing stop saying that. Come on.

You better take to saving your bullets.

Yeah, but youse already

done a few, mate.

It's not a competition, Andy!

You can't just go running

in there on your own, bruv.

Well, it worked out fine, didn't it?

Yeah, this time, eh?

- F*** off.

- F*** off!

Ta-da! We've got the keys.

I don't need keys.

That's why you brought

me along, remember?

Oi! Get off my car! It's a 5 series!

What are we gonna do?

They gonna break in.

Well, lets get tored up,

open the doors and take some

of these bastards down with us!

Are you seriously suggesting

that we let 'em all in,

and fight 'em off with a few packs of

corn flakes, and a dodgy egg whisk?

Yeah! And this.

Yeah, but there's only one of them, and

there's a lot of Trafalgars out there!

Eric, Eric, what is a Trafalgar?

Trafalgar is a zombie.

It's rhyming slang innit?

How is it?

Well, Trafalgar Square; fox and hare;

hairy Greek; five-day week;

weak and feeble; pins and needles;

needle and stitch; Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie... Zombie!

- Innit?

- Oh, Lord.

All right, well, how about it?

Why don't we go out there and face them?

Go down fighting? What do you think?

But, somebody might come.

Somebody might rescue us.

Nobody cares. We're on our own.

We're old-age pensioners!

We gotta take care of ourselves!

Looks like we already

sealed off the East End.

We'll be fine.

So, this is how it will end, eh?

The army?

- Yeah, 'course they will.

- Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Wait! Be careful! Sh*t!

Everyone's been evacuated

to the Hinzman RAF base.

- So if she's alive, she'll be there.

- Right.

- I'll check inside.

- Wait, I'll go with ya.

- Going in?

- Yeah.

Jen.

Maybe she got out okay.

Okay.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

Jen. Oh, no.

Look, let me take care of it.

No, no, um, they might find a cure, sir.

Well? Did you find her?

- Uh, no, no, she wasn't, um...

- She, uh, she wasn't there, mate.

She wasn't there.

- F***!

- What?

Leprechauns! What do you think?

Can't believe this. Even when they're

zombies, they can't stand each other.

This is just the

weirdest day of my life.

Quick.

Hit the road, Ter.

It's pointless.

If they've already taken over this area,

they're bound to have gotten

to the old folks' home by now.

You can't give up.

If we're hunky-dory, so will granddad.

Oh, yeah?!

And where is that gonna happen exactly,

Andy? Lucky f***ing Andy world?!

Grow up! This place is going to sh*t!

Can we just go?

I can't do this.

Yes, you can. Of course, you can.

You know, I would've died about ten

times today if it wasn't for you.

I'm only lucky 'cause you're

always there to sort me out.

We can do this... together.

Yeah, you... you helped me get to my

sister's house, just like you promised.

The least I can do is help

you get to your granddad.

I mean, we haven't even got

any bullets left. How...

We're gonna pass Mental's

lock-up, don't we?

Yeah, I guess so.

His lock-up, where all his guns are.

Worthing Nora!

F*** me.

Right.

- Right, Ter, tool up!

- What about this?

How about something a little

easier to handle, eh, Andy?

- Fair enough.

- Come on in.

- Put that in.

- Bullets.

Sick.

Nice.

Go! Go! Come on!

Guys... Are you sure we've got enough?

Yes, come on.

- Sh*t!

- What?

The old folks. We're never gonna

fit 'em all in the car! Sh*t!

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