Cocktail Page #3

than behind three feet of mahogany.

Within one square mile

of this saloon...

lies the greatest concentration

of wealth in the world.

Yes...

but how is a bartender...

gonna get his hands

on any of it?

A bartender is the aristocrat

of the working class.

He can make all kinds of moves

if he's smart.

There are investors out there.

There are angels.

There are suckers.

There are rich women with

nothing to do with their money.

You can stand in this bar

and you can be struck by lightning.

I've seen it happen.

- Shall I continue?

- Oh, please do.

Chantilly lace

and a pretty face

And a ponytail

just a-hangin'down

A wiggle in her walk

and a giggle in her talk

Makes the world go round

There ain't nothin'in the world

like a big-eyed girl

Make me act so funny

Make me spend my money

Make me feel loose

Like a real live goose

Oh, baby, that's what I like

It is not dignified

to get this drunk.

- You are in training.

- I'm in training?

- For stardom.

- For stardom?

I don't care how liberated

this world becomes...

- a man will always be judged

on the amount of alcohol...

- I knew I was in training for something.

he can consume.

- Always.

- And a woman will be impressed...

whether she likes it or not.

- Now, come on.

- I'm not gonna make it.

You are. A star never pukes

or passes out in public.

No.

Aah!

Holy sh*t.

Hey, are you okay?

You alive?

However...

falling down stairs is allowed.

Whoops!

Sure you don't want a slice?

For breakfast?

You've gotta be joking.

- It's better than a Red Eye.

- Not for a hangover.

Coughlin's Diet:

cocktails and dreams.

Hey, that's not

a bad name for a joint.

You know, we really ought to think

about setting up our own place.

That takes money.

The kind of money your sacred books

dangle but never deliver.

They deliver.

You just gotta know

how to read.

I mean, come on.

We could make a fortune!

I mean, that's why you came to New York.

That's sure as hell why I left Queens.

Positive!

Positive thinking!

You can't let a little thing

like cash stand in our way.

Cocktails and Dreams.

Cocktails and Dreams.

I see it in pink neon.

Blink, blink, dinkity-blink.

That is a little corny, isn't it?

But I could live with it.

Yes, but can I live

with young Flanagan?

Well, maybe I could

handle a partner.

All right!

All right! Fifty-fifty.

A partner who knows his place.

Seventy-thirty.

Well, you do have your pension

to think about...

so I will settle for sixty-forty.

To health and friendship.

Life and love.

- Our future.

- To our future.

Let's do it.

Let's really do it.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Yeah!

- Let's do it.

- Okay!

One, two, three, do it!

You shake it to the left

You shake it to the right

You do the hippy shake-shake

with all of your might

Oh, shake

The hippy hippy shake

Yeah!

It's in the bag

The hippy hippy shake

The hippy hippy shake

The hippy hippy shake

Yeah! Whoo!

Beautiful!

Listen... Hey, listen!

Why the f*** are two stars like you

wasting your talent in a hole like this?

- A secret admirer!

- No, I'm serious!

I got the hottest saloon in town.

I want you guys working for me.

In two weeks, you'll be famous.

I've been famous for ten years.

Just give me the money.

I got the hippy hippy shake

- She walks down the street

knockin'them dead

- Hey, wait in line!

Store window dummies

even turn their heads

Sure 'nuff

Powerful stuff

I think I'm in love

And it's powerful stuff

I am the world's

first yuppie poet.

Bullshit! Bullshit!

Bullshit!

The poem is entitled

"The Bottom Line."

Stick it in your Volvo!

"'Money isn't everything,' they say.

Okay, so what is? Sex?"

It's better than sushi!

"Did you ever make love to a pauper?

- Pee-yoo!"

- I'd rather hump a camel!

"Revolution?

It takes money to overthrow

the government, you know."

Whoa, that's deep.

"Art? The more it costs,

the better it is.

And that's the bottom line!"

- Crap.

- Bullshit!

- Who wants a drink?

- Who wants a drink?

More poets! More poets!

More poets! More poets!

We want more!

All right!

- Yes!

- Yeah, man!

All right, Brian!

- You want poets?

- Yes, we do!

- You want poets?

- Yeah!

I am the world's

last barman poet.

Give us a kiss,

you sexy beast!

Go for it.

I see America drinking...

the fabulous cocktails I make.

America's getting stinking

on something I stir or shake.

- The Sex on the Beach...

- Yeah!

the schnapps

made from peach...

the Velvet Hammer,

the Alabama Slammer.

I make things with juice and froth...

- the Pink Squirrel,

the Three-Toed Sloth.

- Make me one!

I make drinks

so sweet and snazzy...

the Iced Tea, the Kamikaze.

The Orgasm.

Hands off the merchandise!

The Death Spasm.

- The Singapore Sling, the Ding-a-ling.

- Ding-a-ling?

America, you're just devoted...

to every flavour I've got.

Oh, baby!

But if you want to get loaded...

why don't you just order a shot?

Bar's open!

I'd like to try

the Orgasm, please.

How many would you like?

- Uh, multiple.

- Multiple?

Well, then, why don't we start

with a Turquoise Blue?

Well, bless my soul

What's wrong with me

I'm itchin' like a man

in a fuzzy tree

My friends say I'm actin'

wild as a bug

I'm in love

I'm all shook up

Yeah! Yeah! Wow! Baby!

You guys are crazy!

Well, my hands are shakin'

and my knees are weak

I can't even stand

on my own two feet

Who do you think

when you have such luck

I'm in love

I'm all shook up

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

That was fantastic!

That was great!

- You gotta let me take your picture.

- What for?

When you're a big celebrity,

I'll put you in Rolling Stone magazine.

- Is that right?

- My protg. I discovered him.

That's great. Can you move aside,

though? I can't fit you both in.

- Excuse me.

- You look great.

All messed up

Come back!

My tongue gets tied

when I try to speak

My insides shake

like a leaf on a tree

There's only one cure

for this body of mine

That's to have that girl

right here, right now

When she touched my hand

what a thrill I got

Her lips are like

a volcano that's hot

I'm proud to say

that she's my buttercup

I'm in love

I'm all shook up

You with the cold hands!

I gotta go.

- Tuesday night?

- Tuesday? I'm working.

So? I'll sit at the end of the bar

and wait until closing.

Isn't that what

all the bartenders' girlfriends do?

All right.

- Bye.

- Get in there.

You're gonna catch pneumonia.

Get out!

Get out of there. Back off!

Get up, damn it.

Get up!

God, look at that clown.

Get up!

Good night, sweet prince.

Looks like one

of our customers.

That bum just cost me

50 bucks.

So what's this great idea

I'm here to piss on?

Well, I have been

doing some research...

into what it'll cost to set up

Cocktails and Dreams.

Now what I have found is,

if we find the right location...

do our own renovation...

we can start it up

for as little as 75,000 cash.

Ah, which the tooth fairy will

deliver to our doorstep, hmm?

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