Cocktail Page #4

No, man.

Which we make in Jamaica, man.

Oh, God, Brian.

I like that. Mmm!

Jamaica, south of Soho.

Oh, yeah, man.

Very south of Soho.

The Caribbean,

Jamaica, man.

I was down there last month

doing a shoot...

and I met this bartender

who makes $300 to $400 a day.

A day! Whoo!

And he didn't have

any of the talent of you guys.

I should hope not.

Winter in the tropics,

spring in New York.

Jet-set bartenders, eh?

See, we could live

for peanuts down there.

There are no taxes.

Cash off the books.

Two, maybe three seasons,

and we are in business.

So you want to wait three years?

I've told you.

New York is where the angels are.

Aw, come on. This is...

- This is a real opportunity!

- Oh, yeah.

- We'll have a fantastic time.

- Will we?

- Carl, huh?

- Coral. English. Coral.

Coral.

Yes!

Why is it do you think these chicks are

always named after inanimate objects?

There's nothing

inanimate about Coral.

Hot number, huh?

Yes!

- Good shot.

- Ten bucks behind the line?

Sure. Shoot till you miss.

- All right.

- Where does Coral live?

76th Street.

She's got a brownstone.

She owns the whole

f***ing building.

You don't think she lives in

that building all by herself, do you?

That's a bit lucky.

- See any pictures?

- Of guys? No.

- That's 30 bucks you owe me.

- Jesus Christ.

- I know!

- The man's on a roll,

ladies and gentlemen.

She's been saving herself

for young Flanagan all these years?

- Maybe she hides the pictures

when she goes out.

- Oh.

Have a look

on her ring finger.

See if there's a white circle

from her wedding band.

Man, are you paranoid.

Listen, it's the difference

between a one-nighter...

and a meaningful relationship

with an unattached millionairess.

Hey, I'm not thinking

about her that way, okay?

This is more than

just a one-night stand.

- This lady's gonna do

a number on you, mate.

- I appreciate the concern.

That's 50 bucks

you owe me.

- Fifty bucks?

- Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks says

Coral's in the sack...

with some other guy

before the week's out.

That's a bet.

Missed.

Whoo, yeah, hey.

- Hey.

- Hi, how are you?

Okay. How are you?

Keep it.

Brian?

- What'll you have?

- A screwdriver.

- What?

- Screwdriver!

I take it back. You're not

going to be famous.

Too bad you couldn't keep your

mouth shut about our sex life.

It only gets better.

You made a move

on Coral?

I had to get

my money back.

You knew how

I felt about her.

How could you feel anything

for an assembly line hump...

that does the book

on the first date?

I did you a favour.

Took her off your hands

before she really twisted your mind.

You f***ing

son of a b*tch.

Coughlin's Law:

Never tell tales about a woman.

She'll hear you

no matter how far away she is.

Come on!

Come on!

- Can't take the truth, eh?

- Bullshit!

It was nothing but

taking a cheap shot at me.

Where I come from,

you don't do that to your friends.

Where you come from,

they're still saluting the flag

and making novenas.

And no brawling in here.

- And that goes for the help as well.

- Come on!

I don't work here

any more.

If you want to cut me,

come on!

You'll thank me

for this one day.

The f*** I will.

Hey! Hey!

Bodies in the sand

Tropical drink

melting in your hand

We'll be falling in love

To the rhythm of a steel band

Down in Kokomo

Aruba, Jamaica

Ooh, I wanna take ya

To Bermuda, Bahama

Come on, pretty mama

Key Largo, Montego

Ooh, I wanna take you

down to Kokomo

We'll get there fast

and then we'll take it slow

That's where we wanna go

Way down to Kokomo

Buddy. Hey, buddy!

The name is not "buddy."

It's "pal."

The brochure promised me

a drink on the house, pal.

- I'll take one of those orange things.

- Excuse me, uh...

My friend just passed out

on the beach over there.

Do you have a phone anywhere?

No, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

She was, uh, drinking

champagne in the sun.

Champagne:
perfume going in,

sewage coming out.

- Is she gonna be all right?

- Yeah, she's gonna be okay.

Uh, could somebody go down

to the condo office...

- and have them call an ambulance?

- Yeah, sure.

Just in case.

Let's get her up.

The doctor will probably

give her a shot of Ipecac.

I don't want

anything more to drink.

Oh, don't worry.

It'll make you feel better.

It'll help you throw up.

I don't want

to throw up.

Oh, God, I think

I'm gonna throw up.

No, I'm all right.

I'm all right.

She can never

make up her mind.

Hey, Brian. I gotta

hit the road, man.

Okay, Owen.

Well, goodbye.

It has been an adventure.

Mm-hmm.

Owen will take care of you.

Here's a little song I wrote

You might want to sing it

note for note

Don't worry

Be happy

Every life we have

some trouble

When you worry

you make it double

Don't worry

Be happy

- Mark, I haven't forgotten about you.

- No problem.

Welcome to my most humble,

dishonourable establishment.

Well, thank you.

My worthless, useless services

are at your disposal.

Um, I wanted to, uh, come by and

thank you for helping out yesterday.

That's all right.

How's she doing?

She, uh, has a hangover.

Can I buy you a drink?

One of my rum specialties, perhaps?

I'll have a beer.

Beer.

My kind of woman.

- Hey, guys, how're you doing?

- I'll have the same, Brian.

So it seems like happy hour

all day around here.

Yes, happy hour.

That great American invention

for spending quality time

with spouse soused.

- A bartender

with a line for everything.

- Yeah, the bartender.

The highest evolution

of the species:

"Boozus New Yorkus."

Whoa!

I used to work at a circus

before I got this job.

Excuse me.

Don't worry

Be happy

Ain't got no cash

Ain't got no style

Ain't got no gal

to make you smile

But don't worry

Be happy

Want to see a grown man

cry like a baby?

Hey, Bartender.

You know how to make

a Red Eye?

Don't worry

Be happy

What, no tearful greeting?

Coughlin's Law:

Never show surprise.

Never lose your cool.

Oh, my son,

my rebellious son.

Tell your old buddy

how great he looks.

You look like a guy who dyes his hair

and shaves with a Brillo pad.

A guy who gets an erection

on his birthday, if the wind is right.

Isn't this great?

Two years we haven't seen each other,

and we just flow into the old act.

Please, stop molesting

the customers.

A daiquiri, if you will,

Bartender.

- I taught this young man

everything he knows.

- I doubt that.

Don't you waste your loyalty on him.

He'll dump you after Valentine's Day.

Isn't that clever?

What the hell are you

doing down here?

This lad is the best bartender

south of 14th Street.

It's his downfall.

- I don't see how being good at

something can be your downfall.

- Thank you.

I grant you, it's not an easy

concept to grasp.

Now, you take our hero here.

I haven't seen him for a while, and

I've never been in this joint before...

but I will bet my bile duct he's got

some kind of success manual

behind the bar.

Come on, Flanagan,

I know it's here.

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