Coffee Town Page #3

is not about you... cuz...

- Aw, Sam.

- That's how I work.

- Nobody's ever written a

song about me before.

- I mean it's- it- may not

be...

- Thanks.

- He's a dick.

- I got news for you, friend.

He's not.

- What do you mean? You don't

know him.

- This is what I do know,

okay?

I went into that bathroom

right there a couple days ago

and took a very adult sh*t.

Laid some very heavy

skid-marks.

When he leaves, I go back in

to wash my hands.

- Wait, wait wait.

You don't wash your hands the

first time?

- Of course not.

Dries out my skin... But...

my thumb stunk a lot...

I think I clipped a**hole.

Regardless, I get back in

there,

all of the streaks... totally

off.

That guy pissed em off the

porcelain.

That says a lot about a man.

- You know what he is? He's a

poop-chipper.

- Chad, you nailed it, dude.

Dude is a poop-chipper.

- A what?

- What? He just said 'what'.

- What.

- Tell him what it is.

I'll take it from here.

There are two types of guys

in this world, right?

Those who use their own urine

to chip away someone else's

poop,

for the greater good,

and those who do not.

- I don't even chip my own

poop at home.

- It's weird to say that.

Okay?

And that, my friend, right

there, we are looking at

is a poop-chipper...

... who is in a band...

You should be nervous.

- I gotta make my move!

- You sure do.

- Yeah, especially before

they turn this place into a

bistro lounge,

because a girl like that,

she's not gonna come in here,

all sweaty and naked,

when people are, you know,

sittin' in tuxedos, sippin'

wine.

Uh uh uh.

- Have you ever been to a

bistro before?

- No. I'm gonna go to this

one, though.

- Right.

- Do you think the cover

charge is gonna be high?

- Aw man.

- God, if this place converts

I'm gonna lose everything...

my office, my girl...

- All the things you don't

actually have?

- Heh heh.

If you want to approach a

girl who's not on your playing

field,

you have to meet her on hers.

Look at that.

You gotta get yourself some

work-out wear.

- Or be super sweaty.

- I'd stick with the work-out

wear.

- Either way works.

- Except one of em.

- Okay. No, you're right. I

gotta try that.

I'm gonna try that.

- F***!

- Hey, Matthews!

- Hey Mr. Ryan. Just comin'

here to get my fix.

- No wonder I never see you

in the courtyard,

you sneak over here for a

smoke.

- Yeah, I just find it more

peaceful.

- Hey.

- I'll- I'll see you back at

the office.

- Yeah.

- It's on the house, right?

Yeah.

- C'mon Phil. You don't even

have a cord.

- Phil, get outta here.

- This guy...

- Phil!

- Oh, ooh, ooh!

Fish on!

Seems like a nice dude,

right?

I think I could live

with this guy.

- Okay, calm down, he hasn't

even taken a tab yet.

- Yeah, no, you're right,

you're right.

He might just be lookin' at

the missing dog flyer.

- He'd be wasting his time.

I found that dog last week.

- Come on... c'mon, c'mon,

c'mon.

Oh, wait.

- Look at this! Boom!

- I got him. He's mine.

- I think... is he- is he

dialing now?

Oh sh*t.

- Oh.

- Hello?

- Hi, I was just calling

about the room for rent.

- Yes, uh, the room is

available and--

- Mm hmm?

- Uuuuuh... you can have it,

if you want to,

because... I mean...

Yes, I'm sitting right here.

Hehehe...

- I'm standing right here.

- That's the living room.

- Okay.

- And uh, your bedroom's

gonna be right through here,

and this is gonna be the...

bath... room...

You know what? Actually, I

will meet you in there.

Uh, and I'm just gonna do...

something.

Something being removing

the last traces of my previous

roommate.

So... yeah. It's just a futon

in here right now,

but you're welcome to move a

bed in if you'd like.

- Naw, it's okay, I don't

even sleep.

- You... you don't... sleep?

- Mm mm...

I have a neurological

disorder that prevents me from

sleeping.

- Really? Wow.

How do you deal with

something like that?

- I do exercises to simulate

rapid eye movement.

Sort-of like this guy.

This kinda reminds me of me.

Thank you...

... It's gonna be fun staying

awake here.

- Nice.

Well, what are you doin' now?

- Exercising.

- Oh no, no, no!

- What?

- Are you serious!?

- What?

- What are you wea- w- what

is this!?

- Work-out clothes!

- Work-out clothes!?

- This was your idea!

- But sleeveless!?

- Oh, c--

- You're not Rafael Nadal,

you're barely Jim Courier!

- Hey, hey, man, this is all

I have, okay?

- Aw hey, ya know, maybe you

should open up the arm holes a

little bit,

show off those sweet nipples

ya got.

- Hey, you said, you said

make it look like we have

something in common,

and this is what I'm--

- Not that you wear the same

size!

- Ey, I've seen you shirtless

too, everything's drooping

down.

It's like the Earth is trying

to suck you back in.

- I'm a cop, I don't have to

be in shape.

I'm never gonna run faster

than a bullet.

Get me somethin'.

- After you.

- Thanks.

- Really?

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Okay...

- Sam, we've got an office

list.

- Okay, you ready?

- Bring it.

- Kyle, iced large chai.

- Kyle, iced large.

- Yep. Uh, chai.

But leave room for, um...

...leave room for the...

- Just- just leave the room,

and then, uh...

they can figure out what to

put in that room.

- Cream! It's cream.

Leave room for the cream.

- Got it.

- Oh my God.

- Medium iced cog.

- Everybody loves

the iced cog!

- Eric, white chocolate

mocha. Whoa.

- White chocca

mocha chocca!

- That was really bad.

- That's like, a lot of

complicated drinks, huh...

... in the office... that's

great.

- What's up with concentrated

detergent?

One teaspoon does an entire

load.

How did they figure out how

to get more soap into soap?

- Didn't seem like soap was

somethin' needed fixin'.

- Yeah, I've never done my

laundry and thought,

"Jesus, I wish I could pour

less soap in here".

- They should figure out a

way to put more porn... in

porn.

- Midgets...

- No, that would be less

porn, don't you think?

- Sometimes... less is more.

- No, not in this case.

- Oh, you know what? That

would be a great name

for a midget porn star. Less

Ismore.

- Yeah. And featuring Less

Ismore

- Featuring Less Is More...

- His tag line should be '"one

teaspoon equals an entire

load".

- I'd watch that. I'd watch

it anyway.

- Unbelievable.

- What is this?

- Just... people. I open the

door for them and then they...

got in line in front of me. I

just don't understand that.

You do a good deed and you

get punished for it?

- Well isn't opening the door

saying "you go first"?

- No, Chad. Opening the door

is saying "you go first into

the building",

not "you go first into the

line where I have to wait 20

minutes

while you make extremely

complicated coffee drink

orders

for your stupid... office...

coworkers".

- Well, you do a good deed,

it always comes back to you.

- Really? Because right now I

feel like jack sh*t comes back

to me.

I mean wh- when was the last

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