Coffee Town Page #4

time anything went my way?

- Well you got that awesome

shirt.

- The...

The shirt's for Becca.

-Oh.

Well, should you be wearing

it before you give it to her?

- Relax! Who cares man? Look

at this guy over here.

What is that a Dave Matthews

shirt?

- Hm... You think that means

he's gay, or just a douche?

- It's a tough call with, uh,

guys that like Dave Matthews.

I mean, is he just a guy that

likes to smoke weed

and listen to shitty music?

Cuz nobody seems to mind when

you do that to the Grateful

Dead,

or... Phish.

- Which makes it more about

Dave, who is both likable and

good-looking,

which pushes it right on

over...

... to the gay column.

- Oooh.

- You know what I was

thinking about last night?

When you think about it,

being straight is gay.

I mean, how gay is it being

attracted to a woman...

all pink... and perfumey.

You know, it's like "ooh, I

like girls.

I wanna rub up against

girls".

Fag.

But... If you wanna be

straight...

... shove it up another guy's

ass.

That's straight.

You see what I'm saying?

- Are you gay?

-No, no no no no. I'm just

saying,

what's straighter than having

sex with another guy?

- Everything.

- Literally everything.

- No, you guys... are

homophobes.

- Of straight people?

- Yeah, well I call them gay

people.

- I'm lost...

I don't know what you're...

- Are you enjoying that

coffee?

- Sam's newest tactic.

He does nothing to the

drink, but asks me how it is,

to make me question that

he might have.

- Medium drip... for Will.

- But the best retaliation

for psychological warfare

is more psychological

warfare.

It's delicious... thanks.

- Jesus f***ing Christ, Will!

C'mon, man!

- Sorry I thought that was a

coaster.

- No!

- That's not a coaster...

- This right here is my life,

okay?

This is like my little baby

child.

Not a f***in' coaster.

Phil!

Oh, c- Phil, no no no, that's

not a coaster, man.

- I gave them to everybody.

- You're a genius.

- God dammit. These are not

coasters, okay?

I don't care what the

f***in'--Jesus Christ- sign

says.

This is a- a CD that I

made.

Concrete Angst. Give it a

listen, you might like it.

Okay?

Let me know what you think.

- It's still free, right?

- Alright, time to go...

light up.

My boss saw me in here

yesterday,

it's gettin' too risky, not

smoking.

- Newports?

- ... Yeah, why? What's wrong

with Newports?

- ... Well...

... Nothin'.

- Menthol, too, huh?

- Yeah, I thought it would

make it taste better.

- Yeah... probably would.

That's a good choice.

- Okay... Time to kick the

not smoking habit.

I'm really gonna do it this

time.

- What's a non-racist way to

tell Chad that he's smoking...

- Cigarettes that mostly

black people smoke?

- Yes.

- Right... right.

There's no non-racist way to

say something racist, Will.

- Okay.

- Oh... Listen up.

I've got some bad news on the

whole Coffee Town front.

- What?

- Some exec called the

department yesterday

to check up on the crime

history of this place...

Check over any felony

reports, stuff like that.

- Why?

- Because whatever store they

choose,

they're gonna convert into

their flagship store.

They gotta make sure there's

absolutely no risk.

- Well, so what did they find

out?

- Nothing.

Place is clean.

The whole neighborhood is,

honestly.

- No! No no no!

What about the drive-by shooting

you were telling me about?

- ... I didn't file a report

on that.

- What do you mean you didn't

file a report?

Guy fired a gun out of a

moving car!

- Nobody got shot. I didn't

solve it. Seemed like a waste

of time.

- W- you can't just not file

reports, can you?

- I rarely file reports...

- Jesus Chr- You are the

worst cop in the world.

- Well f*** off, dude!

Honestly, I try my hardest,

and if you think about what I

do every day, it's insane.

- Aah!

- Aw, the safety's on!

Calm down!

The safety's on!

Oh god, the safety's off.

I gotta snap it in.

It's such an easy thing and I

forget to do it.

- This is unbelievable.

Seriously, you know, this is

what I get for being a good

guy.

It's what I get for opening

the doors for people

and living a moral life.

I get sh*t on.

Get- I get the only place

that feels like home

taken away from me.

Thanks world! Thanks a whole

f***ing lot!

- Are you talking to me?

- I was talking to the world!

- World, yeah... just, yep. I

get it now.

Becca's here.

- Okay... okay. If she's

gonna see you in that thing

you might as well get pumped

up. Get some veins showin',

alright?

- Oh make myself look bigger?

- Yes! Go!

- Okay.

Alright... Come on, baby.

What am I doin'? That's not

gonna do anything.

That's it. That's it.

- Aah! Ah!

Aagh!

Son of a... stop

spraying!

Aaah!

Come on! You- you kidding

me!?

Agh, come on.

Oh f***!

Ugh.

Jesus Christ.

... One paper...

- Oh!

- Oh god... really?

- Jesus, are you- are you

okay?

- Ey... yeah.

This... yeah, yeah. W- I was

just, um...

I should probably go... tell

em.

- Yeah, it's probably a-

probably a good idea.

- Uh, the pizza place has a

bathroom next door.

- No, it's fine, I just

wanted to wash my hands.

- Oh, cool. The sink still

works.

- Actually I do have to go...

I just said I didn't cuz I

don't like guys to know

that

pee comes out of me.

But it does... all the

time...

In fact, that's a lot of

information. I'm sorry.

- No, that's healthy. Pee

should always c- I'm totally

cool

with anything that c-...

that- that comes outta you.

- Okay, I just said pee,

let's not go crazy.

- I'm sorry... I just worked

out so my head get a little

blblblble.

- Yeah? You work out near

here?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, it's- it's

right on the corner actually.

Yeah, the... my gym.

- Wait... Isn't that a place

for toddlers?

- ... yep.

And that's where I work out.

- That's sweet.

- Here take this key, okay?

It's for the pizza place

bathroom.

They always keep theirs

locked to a deep-dish pan

cuz people keep stealing it.

- Like yourself.

- Yeah, I guess I'm one of

those people.

- Well, thanks. This is very

sweet.

- Any- any time, though.

- Alright...

- Okay.

See ya, have fun!

What does have fun mean?

- Brilliant... Okay?

Now, when she returns the

key... you make your move.

- Yep!

- Hey, you wanna hold my gun?

- I'm not gonna shoot her.

It's to create a subliminal

feeling of fear,

moisten her up a little bit.

- I'm good.

- Oh, are you?

Okay, so you're gonna stick

with the old soaked in toilet

water method?

- Yeah, I'm gonna ride that

one out.

- Okay, saddle up.

- What the hell?

Where's she goin'?

Is she stealing my key?

- I can go arrest her for it,

but she's gonna wanna f*** me

the second I slam her face on

that hood.

- Yeah. Who wouldn't?

She's stealing my stolen key!

- Definitely not a

poop-chipper.

- I don't know if it was

my fear of losing Coffee Town,

or finding out my dream

girl was a thief

with pee coming out of

her...

... or that my new roommate

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