Coffee Town Page #5

thought it would be okay

to decorate my apartment like

Lord of the Rings exploded

in it.

- Hey! Can you cook game in

this fireplace?

- But it was starting to

feel like everything was

slipping away.

Like all my years of

responsible living

had earned me nothing but

fate's cold hands around my

neck.

- Join me!

- And you wanna do

something dramatic...

...and Elvis-y...

like shooting out your

T.V. screen.

But... you settle for

something far less cool.

Like... turkey Lunchables.

- Hey Will.

- What the f***!

What the f***?

- I told you... I don't

sleep.

- Ugh!

Then... you decide to do

something to change it.

-Hey...

What's with all the medicine?

- Oh! ... I have AIDS.

Yeah... I hope that's cool.

Oh! Aw sh*t, that's gonna

bleed.

- You can keep it.

- And when it works... You

don't wanna stop.

I'm gonna rob this place.

- What?

- If I created a crime

that scared the executives

away

from converting this store...

I'm gonna plan a robbery.

- Hey. Are you serious? I'm a

cop!

If anyone's gonna plan a

robbery it should be me.

I have studied this sh*t.

- Okay.

- Alright, but I only wanna

cause a crime.

I don't wanna take any money

- I am in...

But let's take some money.

- Then we're literally

robbing it...

- We'll just take a little.

- Still robbing.

- You're right. We'll just

take some merchandise and

sh*t.

I have had my eyes on one of

those hoodies.

- Do you know what robbing

is?

- Yeah! Charging 35 dollars

for a hoodie.

- I'm gonna tell you your

biggest issue right off the

bat,

this place is all glass. It's

like we're in a fishbowl,

and there's constant traffic

on that street.

- Okay, true.

- So let's brainstorm about

that tonight.

We'll have our first planning

session tomorrow.

- Okay, where are we gonna

go?

- Here...

- You son of a b*tch

- We're planning

a robbery of Coffee Town

inside Coffee Town.

- This is my office.

- Tomorrow.

- Okay.

Time to smoke.

- What's that do?

- I dunno.

- Yes, yes, yes... yes, yes.

- Hey.

I, uh, I forgot to give this

back to you yesterday.

- Oh! Wow, I didn't even

realize.

- You didn't?

- No... no, I did... I lied

just then.

I don't know why.

- Okay.

Well, um...

Thanks again.

- No, thank you

- Okay.

- No, thank you!?

You're trying to bone her,

not get her to join your youth

group.

- Why did you shove me?

You threw me off!

- You gotta get in her space,

threaten her a little bit.

Do you know anything about

women?

- Apparently not is right.

I'm sorry I yelled.

Listen... When she's done

ordering,

she's gonna be standing right

there, totally bored.

That's when you go up and you

ask her out.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- That sounds doable.

- Yeah, it's good.

But don't stare at her. Now

you look like a serial killer.

-R- right.

- And don't look in my eyes.

Why would you do that?

That's so weird.

-What do... What am I

supposed to--

- What you normally do.

Look at your computer.

Open your computer.

- Open the computer.

- Why would you look at a

closed computer?

- You don't mind if I smoke,

do you?

- No.

Newports, huh?

- Mm hmm.

Menthol.

I can feel these turning my

insides black.

Blacky black black.

It's worth it, though...

...don't have to work as

hard.

You know this used to be

Brown Town.

- Okay okay okay, now's your

time. Ready?

- Now?

- Go get her, this is big.

Go baby, you got this. Go get

her.

- Okay...

- Okay.

- Hello again.

- Hey.

- Hey. Uuh... So, I was just

wondering...

- Sorry, I forgot, did you

want, uh, whipped cream?

- Yeah, sure, thanks.

- There you go.

- Wow... thank you.

- Hey, before I forget, um,

my band and I are playing at

the Vanguard tonight,

and it is going to rock.

- Yeah, I'm gonna be there.

I'm gonna bring some old

college friends.

- Nice!

- you know, you guys don't

freak out or anything, but...

... I may dedicate a song to

you tonight.

- Oh!

The way a little

kitten purrs

that's the way my

passion stirs

stirs for you, stirs

for me, that's all that I

can--

No?

- Uh...

Stirs my soul

as far as I can see

Stir. It's track three. It's

from the... it's... I gave it

to you.

- Ah... Right.

- You may not have heard-

maybe you didn't hear it yet.

- Not yet.

- It's alright.

You will, I mean- hopefully,

maybe.

That was just a little

amuse-bouche to the main

course later.

- Alright.

I'm sorry, what were you

saying?

- Was I... say- ...

Oh... No, no no no no... No.

- You know, I... I have to

go.

- Yeah!

- Alright.

- I was just gettin' a straw.

- What'd she say?

- You got up from our table?

- Yeah.

- Mother f***er!

It's amazing how much

disdain you can have

for people hogging the

tables

when your intention is to

do the same.

And since the outside

tables smell like Chad's

cigarettes,

the couch is the only

remaining option.

The problem with that is

my laptop seems to be powered

by some type of car

engine,

burning the ever-loving

hell out of my lap.

- Did you see the newspaper?

- Nope.

- Get on the ground and put

your hands on your head

or I'll shoot you in your

face, mother f***er!

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm not talking to you on

that thing.

- C'mon man it's like you're

talking to lightning mcqueen.

- Lightning McQueen was not a

police car.

- Are you sure? Which one was

the police car?

- I don't know.

- Neither do I. All I

remember

is that hillbilly tow truck

with the f***ed up teeth.

And he'd be like "hey y'all!"

- Hey, I'm gonna go.

- No no no, stop.

- C'mon, man.

- Stop.

Look at me...

Where ya headed?

- I'm gonna go home, I'm

gonna eat some hot pockets,

and I'm gonna drink a

six-pack of beer.

- You're not gonna do that,

okay?

Cuz we're going to the

Vanguard.

- What?

- Yeah, Sam might be in a

band, who cares?

He's on stage, you're not,

giving you full access to

Becca.

And you can draft off the

very horniness his rock 'n' roll

creates.

Ride that airstream, just

slingshot by!

Right up into her cooch...

and stay there.

- You think?

- I never lie when I'm on

duty.

Alright? Pick up those beers,

we'll bang em off in the car.

Ready?

- Okay.

You know you hit that wall,

right?

- Let's move it! Let's Go!

- There's something about

being in a rock band...

It doesn't matter how good

the music sounds...

You still look like a

total p*ssy playing the piano.

- Ladies and gentlemen!

Clap your hands for Mr. and

Mrs. Williams!

- Whoa... there she is.

- Where is this?

Woof!

- Hehe, woof.

Why is she talking to that

guy?

- It's perfect.

Get ready to bat some

cleanup.

- What?

- I dunno, it sounded like

something.

- There's some old

baseball a--

- I just went for it, who

cares,

I made a mistake. Go go go

go! Go go go.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, stop it.

Let me get you a drink.

- Sure!

- Yeah?

Alright. Let me get a rum and

diet coke for the lady.

- Gino's move when he's

not in uniform...

subtly lower the girl's

self esteem to make her an

easier target.

- Do you want me to get you a

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