Coffee Town Page #9

Batman.

Isn't that weird...that

Batman wears makeup?

You know, like, you go out

and you kick ass all night.

You come home, take off your

cowl,

and you're just a dude in

eyeshadow.

- This is a very interesting

conversation, Chad,

can we have it later?

- Okay, like, tomorrow?

- Yeah, tomorrow. We'll have

it tomorrow.

Where's my mask? C'mon.

- Ah, I only had one, dude.

- You were supposed to bring

the disguises.

- I made you this!

- That's a sock.

- It'll stretch.

- I'm not concerned about the

fit!

- This is not a fashion show,

mother f***er!

We are knockin' over a coffee

store!

- Alright alright, don't say

"knocking over"

or you make us sound like thugs.

- I wanna be a thug!

I didn't load up my iPhone

with Kanye just so I could go

jogging.

Oh crap, the one with

Rihanna's on.

- Oh, f***.

- That one is for jogging.

Okay, great. You know what?

I'm doing this by myself.

- No! We are in this

together.

Now put your sock on.

- It's a sock.

- It's just a sock.

- Really.... god.

Jesus Christ.

You didn't make me a mouth

hole?

- You're not gonna eat in it!

- Oh, you look like that

rabbit from "Life in Hell".

You know, the- the rabbit...

from the Simpsons guy.

- Will you just shut the f***

up!? Just shut the f*** up.

- I'm just sayin' who you

look like.

- Are you guys in

position yet?

- What the f*** is that?

- It's Gino, we only had

Spiderman walkie talkies

so he sounds like the Green

Goblin.

-So, we gotta talk to each

other like Green Goblin all

night?

- No. Just him.

- You guys sound like

Spiderman.

- Why aren't we just using

our cellphones?

- Why don't we just use our

cellphones?

- Hello?

- Yeah, this is way better.

Keep it on vibrate, though.

- Okay, fine.

- Why do you sound so weird?

- Chad didn't cut me out a

mouth hole.

- Why do you need a mouth

hole? You're not gonna eat in

it.

- Oh come- come on, what's

the deal?

- The street is clear.

You guys can go in.

- Copy that. Goin' in.

- Goin' in?

- Goin' in!

- Okay, wait. I'm gonna put

on the 8 Mile soundtrack.

- Don't put anything on,

Chad!

- Those are- what are you- oh

f***!

Those are my headphones!

- I need you listening! Now

go! you've got the rope, so

go.

- Okay. Go time.

Oh... What the hell?

God dammit... ugh!

- Why aren't you wearing...

This was on your foot!?

- It's clean!

- No it's not clean, Chad,

if it came off your foot.

Because it was on your foot!

- I barely walked anywhere

today.

- You wore it all day!?

Jesus Christ!

- Now this other sock is

worthless!

- I'm wearin' this.

-No.

- Come here you mother

f***er.

- You mother f***er!

- You mother f***er!

- Get back here!

- You a**hole!

- We shouldn't me fighting

amongst ourselves!

This is what they want! This

is what they want!

- Sorry.

- What the f*** are you

doing? Just go around!

- Dude!

It's just a bear.

- Sorry, okay.

- What?

- The cash register's open

and empty!

- What!?

- Holy sh*t!

- We gotta go, we gotta go!

- We're gonna go to prison!

F***.

- Please stop holding my

hand.

Why aren't you answering

your phone?

- Aaaah!

- Aah! Aah! Aah!!

- Don't hit us! it's us!

Please Sam, Sam, Sam! It's

us! It's us! It's us.

- What are you- what are you

doing?

- What are you do--

You're robbing the store?

- So are you!

- No no no, we were just

pretending to rob the store.

- What!?

- It's complicated.

Look look look, let's just

split the cash.

- We're not taking any cash!

- He's taking cash!

- I have to, okay? Thanks to

dick-head here,

my band lost our gig.

- Oh pff.

- You think I could survive

on shitty Coffee Town tips

alone?

- Well, you would be able to

if you'd stop looking away

every single time somebody

tries to tip you!

- It's cuz it makes me feel

like a whore!

- Well then, get a different

job!

- I had another job. You made

me lose it!

- Oh psh, yeah right. You

think U2 would lose a gig

just because somebody danced

weird?

No. Because they're a good

band, Sam.

You wrote a f***in' song

about cappuccino foam.

- It's about Becca!

- How is that about Becca?

- She's the stirrer... and my

heart is the foam...

Whatever, man, you know what,

let's just get out of here.

Okay? I'll put the money

back.

- Hey!

- Oh no, he's gonna set off

the alarm.

- No no, Toby! No no!

- Run!

- Oh f*** f***!

What are you doing? What are

you doing!?

- F***!

Just use the front door, the

alarm's already going off!

Get the f***ing key!

- I don't know where it is!

Get it! Get it!

- Where's the f***ing key?

Where's the f***ing key!?

- It's a cargo jacket! I

don't know!

Alarm reported at

225 Boyer.

- Unit 69 responding.

84 responding. 57 en route.

Unit 33 on the way.

42 responding.

- F***ing Tuesdays!

-Okay, Toby, we're gonna move

the party somewhere else,

alright pal?

- Why is that alarm going

off?

- No time to talk about that,

we gotta go. Oh sh*t!

- On the ground!

Everybody on the ground!

Now put your right hand

behind your back!

Left hand, back!

- Do it! Do what he says!

- I am doing it, I am doing

it!

- Don't move!

- I don't wanna go to prison!

- Listen up.

I'm gonna ask you this

once...

What happened here?

- I'll admit... I'm one of

those guys who only prays

at football games and

craps tables.

But right then... I was

asking for any help I could

get.

And then the strangest

thing happened...

A savior appeared. And he had

Down syndrome.

- I wanted my chocolate milk!

They tried to stop me from

getting my chocolate milk!

- But like every silver

lining,

it only frames a cloud

full of lightning that kills

people.

- Okay guys, I see no reason

to file a report on this.

- No report?

- Nah. They're actually

trying to convert this place

into some kind of bistro

lounge.

Gotta admit, it would be

pretty sweet to have a place

to go grab a drink with the

guys after our shift.

- Yeah...

- Well, I'll swing by in the

morning and explain it all to

the manager.

Get this kid home safe.

And uh, get him some

chocolate milk.

- Retard.

- And something they don't

tell you when you get struck

by lightning...

you also sh*t your pants.

And that's life.

You lose.

The world evolves...

and you can't stop it.

You're just a passenger

like everybody else...

sitting on a rock,

spinning through space,

watching everything around

you change.

No matter how much you

wish it would stay the same.

- When you think about it...

being straight is gay.

- What did you say?

- I said, do you wanna play

chase?

- So you accept it.

Because there's no

karma...

No reason to be a good

person and play by the rules.

Hey, look guys. I opened the

door for you,

so really I should be ahead

of you in the line.

Just take what's yours and

f*** what people think.

Because no fictional force

is gonna punish you--

I guess this is the point

where you realize

I've been narrating this

from the dead.

And your friend acts like

he knew it all along.

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