Colour of Magic, The Page #9

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Time chewers?

- Dentures!

- Lots of people wear them where I'm from.

What? And they don't

just have to eat soup?

No!

That has to rank as the most

pathetically easy ambush

in swordswoman history. I've no idea

why you're so important.

Important? To who?

- The wizards.

- The wizards.

At the Unseen University.

For some reason, they want me

to take you back.

It's a short ride hubwards

to the ferry at the River Smarl.

From there, well be at Ankh-Morpork

by morning.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Do you think we could drop by the

Temple of Bel-Shamharoth on the way?

Only if you want to ride

a thousand miles rimwards

in the wrong direction.

You mean you can't reach

the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth by

the River Smarl?

No, of course not.

Oh. Well, at least we'll be in Ankh-Morpork

for the special Solstice celebrations.

Oh, yes.

- What special Solstice celebrations?

- Never heard of them.

So my guide wasn't going to take

me to Bel-Shamharoth at all, was he?

No. It was too dangerous.

Do you want half your money back?

Do you want all your money back?

Look, it's not about money.

We're supposed to be friends.

- We shook on it.

- Look, if you must know the truth,

I only agreed to be your guide

because the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

said he'd do unspeakable things

to me if I didn't!

So there you have it.

- Thank you for being honest.

- Well...

They don't even celebrate

the Solstice in Ankh-Morpork, do they?

No.

And I'm probably the worst wizard

this side of the Circle Sea.

And I thought everything

was going so well.

Well, you thought wrong.

You're in great danger,

you've got to put the fire out!

No, you're in great danger.

The fire stays. Don't try to distract me.

No, it's... You've obviously never

heard of the legend of Old Granddad.

I knew he was around here somewhere.

- When a troll gets older...

- There are trolls?

...he gets bigger and bigger.

And this is a very old troll.

Everyone knows trolls keep away from fire.

But this specific troll can't.

- Can't?

- Can't?

No, because you've lit the fire

on his tongue!

Cohen!

Is it an earthquake?

Come on, you two.

Cohen!

Get up, you silly cow.

Come on, run!

RINCEWIND:
I think we're going home

in an envelope.

Wow.

If complete and utter chaos was lightning,

then being tied to you is like

standing on a hill top

in a thunder storm

wearing a wet copper armour

and shouting, "All gods are idiots. "

- Thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment!

- Oh.

- Come on, let's stand up.

Well, I'm off to see Bel-Shamharoth.

Good luck, and I hope the spider

eats you. Sod the Patrician.

I'm going home to Ankh-Morpork.

- Fine.

- Fine.

Ow!

- Happy now?

- I don't want to talk about it.

We're going to Ankh-Morpork.

This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Is it just me, or does that look

rather like a very large target?

Destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards!

The trouble is, the Arch Chancellor

is just not a team player.

There is, of course, the tradition

of dead men's pointy shoes.

You mean, create a vacancy in the Arch

Chancellor's department, sort of thing?

Very well.

We need a volunteer.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Everyone, then.

Ook.

Wait.

You're not the usual ferryman.

I've been here before.

The usual man is a big fellow.

Okay.

Two of you, grab him.

Daft cow.

You, shut up.

Let's see what's under that robe.

Hey!

Kill them both. I'll deal with this old fool.

Time to get going. Come on!

I say, well done! Excellent, sir.

Oh.

Pulled my back.

Oh.

I don't know who you are

or where you're from,

and there's nothing personal

about this, you understand.

Are you okay?

Oh, the back is... Is cured.

My father used to recommend

hanging from a door.

Hmm.

We really ought to be going.

I don't suppose you'd be interested

in selling the Luggage?

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that.

I was looking for a present for Bethan,

you see.

We're getting married.

That's great.

We thought you ought to be

the first to know.

- That's very...

- This is cause for celebration.

I'm pretty sure I have some travel

biscuits and water in my Luggage.

You, er... You serious

about getting married?

- Any objections?

- Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, I was just thinking,

you know, that she's

in her twenties,

and you are of the elderly persuasion.

Time I settled down, you mean?

No, I was thinking more of the, um,

physically, the age difference.

About, um...

Oh, I see what you mean.

The strain.

I hadn't looked at it like that.

I hope I haven't upset anything.

Oh, no, no, no, don't apologise.

You were right to point it out.

You know, sometimes,

you just have to take risks.

Now, don't be offended, but I think

we'll go ahead with the wedding

anyway and, er, well,

just have to hope she's strong enough.

Will we get to Ankh-Morpork by dawn?

Absolutely.

Right, who wants to learn

how to row a ferry to Ankh-Morpork?

The reason that I have

gathered you here today

is to announce that

there will be a meeting

with an agenda.

With just one item on it.

An agendum.

I'm sorry?

We're assuming that this must be

to do with the news

that your hero has failed

to capture Rincewind.

I don't recall you being minuted to talk!

There will be a meeting

to consult the Octavo.

With only seven spells?

Are you sure that's wise, Arch Chancellor?

We have gone beyond wisdom.

Ankh-Morpork.

Pearl among cities.

There's no city in the multiverse

that can rival Ankh-Morpork for its smell.

RINCEWIND:
Look. Come on.

Wizard, why have you let us down?

What's he doing?

This is what I've been looking for.

We'll join you shortly.

- What, a jewellers?

- It's a surprise.

You wait here, Bethan.

Excuse me. Why is everyone leaving?

The star is gonna crash into the Disc.

We're all gonna burn up and die.

The star is life,

not death.

What?

- What, what?

- Your voice, it just went all crackly.

- It didn't sound like you.

- It's the spell, it's trying to take me over.

It knows what's going to happen.

Why are they painting all the stars?

They think it'll ward it off or something?

No, that's not gonna work.

I think I know what will. Come on.

It's massive! Move!

The strangest thing I've ever made.

But practical, I'll give you that.

What did you say they were called again?

Den-chewers. Made from trolls' teeth.

This is Bethan, my betrothed.

Is there anywhere round here

where I can get a wedding dress?

And a steak.

What are... What are you doing?

Ridding the Disc of wickedness.

That's the Necrotelicomnicon.

Yes. Wizards use it to contact the dead.

How did you know that?

Oh, I just, you know, just guessed.

He's got a big box on legs.

He looks like a wizard.

Gentlemen, the light fantastic!

We're safe, so long as

we don't touch the book.

Let's see.

To appease it,

the thing that is the guardian,

be silenced and return to the darkness.

Oh, what am I talking about?

I can't do magic.

What? When I look at you,

all I see is a wizard.

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