Columbus Day Page #3

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Yeah, well, I see

dollars, you see death.

Take your pick, kid.

So, who is he?

- Who what?

The person

that you're meeting.

Can I have the hotdog?

Yeah, eat the hotdog.

Hello.

Who've you got for me?

No one. See, John, these people

are way smarter than me.

They got people

answering their phones

so when a**holes call

early in the morning

they don't get woken up.

Isn't that crazy?

I'm gonna get an assistant, too.

That way they can

tell you to f*** off!

Well, then you'll miss out on

the pleasure of doing it yourself.

When will you

know something?

I said 2 hours, man.

That gives me an hour and a quarter.

Now, chill out

and let me work my magic.

Your magic?

- Yeah, man.

A little cereal,

a little Price is Right--

it's a beautiful day, man.

Oh, you feeling it?

Oh, I'm in

the zone, baby.

I'm gonna call you

in an hour and 14 minutes.

Cheeri-o.

Cheerio.

Go get something

to eat?

Sure, what

do you want?

Oh, your dog is so cute!

What's his name?

Pancho.

Hello?

I'm running late.

I'm horny. I put my nightie on for you.

When are you coming?

Cheryl, I've got business.

I'm not wearing anything.

I'm naked.

Jesus, Cheryl,

I can't do that out here.

Well, I can do it in here, baby.

I want your dick.

Ohh... I'm on my tiptoes.

I can feel you behind me.

I'm right here.

I'm all in you.

Yeah...

The double taco.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the delivery man.

What?

He's up in my room.

In my bed. What would you do if

you came home right now? Tell me.

Why do you always have to bring

somebody else into it?

What?

- It's always "some guy this, some guy that..."

It's like you

don't even need me.

You don't have

to get upset, baby.

You know what,

you're cheap.

How come I never

knew that till now?

F*** you! You're a f***ing

a**hole, you know that?

Oh, yeah.

Came to talk?

Only empty bench.

Huh--tuh-- you have something

in your ear right here.

What are you talking about?

- No, it's, like, in your ear.

It's red.

You got it.

Leonard!

Leonard!

Leonard!

Do you have "gaydar"?

What?

Radar for gay people.

Well, I know a few things,

if that's what you mean.

Coo'. We're gonna do

a gaydar test.

We'll scan the park

and see who shows up.

Cool?

Boop! Negative.

Boop!

Boop, boop.

Boop!

Boop!

What's

your final count?

None.

- Heh, I found one.

What, you gonna count

the ice cream guy?

No...

Me.

You.

I'm gay.

- You're gay.

I'm gay

as a day in May.

My mama's gay, too.

That's where

I got gaydar.

From Evelyn,

her girlfriend.

She told you you were gay?

No, but she told me

what it was like.

I don't like girls.

I don't feel like I fit in.

What's wrong

with girls?

Well, number one,

they like dumb stuff,

and they don't know

how to play.

Okay, let's keep

people-watching.

Or park-watching.

Like, that car there--

does that car

come every day?

Never seen it.

What about that guy?

Yeah. He gets high here

before work.

And those 2 guys there?

Never seen them before.

Oh, sh*t.

Give me your backpack.

- No!

Give me your goddamn backpack.

- No!

Be quiet.

No!

Quit crying and listen

to me. Come here.

Listen to me.

We're gonna take a walk together.

I've got a gun.

I'm gonna use it.

I'm calling the cops.

- You call the cops, we're both done,

but you're gonna be first,

you understand me?

Look.

Can I hold it?

- No!

All right, after we're done.

We're just gonna take

a walk now, all right?

Slow down, slow down.

We'll walk right toward him.

We're not afraid of anything.

Just gonna be 2 guys out walkin'.

We're gonna go get

some ice cream. Smile.

And a... student and his teacher.

Okay, that's it.

Come on, let's go this way.

Ice cream!

Change of plan.

Nope. I want my ice cream.

I want chocolate,

and for him, I guess, too.

I'll take your backpack now.

Okay.

Listen, if that guy

comes any closer,

just say hi, okay?

Uh, why?

It's a surprise.

Hi, there.

I think we should go now.

What was that?

Good luck.

What's in the bag?

Give me the bag.

We wanna see what's in there.

Are you in trouble?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Follow me.

There's a secret passage.

Come on. Ehh!

Come on!

This is it.

This is where...

Civil War or something,

um, like a magic act.

Um, where

the naked lady

disappears

through the trap door.

Something like that.

This is like a locker.

I don't think

she was naked.

Well, bathing suit.

You know.

That's the door out back

to the Dumpsters.

Whatcha think?

Incredible.

This...

is my racquetball.

This is Shaq.

Everybody at school

tries to collect it.

I really don't like him,

to be honest.

Want it?

I'm serious.

Well... thanks, but, uh...

That's okay.

How can you not like Shaq?

Everyone likes Shaq.

I guess I'm just not like everyone.

These are some of the letters

that my grandma sent me.

Um, yeah.

She's dead now, but...

You know.

This is my mom's hair

when it was long...

'for it got cut off.

Wanna try?

T.G.& R., how may I direct your call?

It's John, Alice.

Did you forget Alana's number?

Listen, you know

how to talk to her.

I thought

you could help me.

John, you just talk.

I don't do that.

I make a plan.

That's your problem.

That's what I do.

That's how I got where I am today.

Exactly.

- Hey, don't f*** with me.

Oh, I'm serious.

- I wanna see the gun.

You said!

Uh, hang on.

Are you kidding me?

- You said I could.

All right, all right.

Hang on.

What are you--?

All right. Here.

Now go play.

You're dead.

You have no idea.

Over there.

Okay, I'm back.

The man with the plan.

You didn't seem to mind all

those years I had you set up.

I was a girl, John.

Girls like things.

But things don't last.

Oh, don't come off

like I was some phony,

throwing dresses at you.

I mean...

You fell for me, I fell for you.

You know that.

First day of college,

sitting on those steps,

thousand girls walk by,

and I pick you.

You picked my ass.

Well, it was

attached to you.

I didn't think that you

could still hurt my feelings.

You can never underestimate

the man of action.

Wait. Listen.

- I'd better go.

Um... I asked

about you, okay?

I asked all your friends

everything about you,

what you liked to read,

what your favorite movie was,

what your music was,

what your favorite song was.

I stayed up late

when you got up early,

was a morning person,

you're not.

Everything. Food.

Your favorite place,

Pantini's Famous.

Yeah, I paid off

the manager there

to clear the place out,

make your favorite--

tiramisu, old man with the violin...

Viola.

Viola, whatever.

Anyway...

I didn't have

much money back then.

It was a fortune to me.

I blew every dime I had.

Almost sold my goat.

I didn't care.

I got the mos beautiful girl

in school, and I got her angle.

But we went for burgers.

She gets in the car,

going on about this burger,

she's got her heart set on it...

You were

such a wild horse.

And I just realized, just right

then in that moment,

just making you happy was...

all that mattered, so...

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