Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #3

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together,

Charlie went out on

a national comedy tour...

Where every night, Charlie,

you walked on stage

and you told the audience

you were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are.

But I'll tell you

what you're not--

a comedian from earth.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up

what Larry Flynt

is to standing up.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then something's wrong

with the [bleep] scoreboard.

Come on, man.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then this must not be

a child custody hearing.

The only time your kids

get to see you is in reruns.

Charlie, don't you want to live

to see their first 12 steps?

You're the black sheep

of a family

responsible for three

Mighty Ducks movies.

You make your own

father ashamed

that he shares the same

fake name as you.

Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez

said they would have

been here tonight,

but they had

a family obligation.

Charlie's never lonely.

Don't worry.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie

is stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed

with whores.

Charlie,

you should be on Hoarders.

Charlie Sheen

has paid for so much sex,

he keeps his credit card

under his balls to save time.

Anthony Jeselnik, some say

you're the next Greg Giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Where's slash?

There he is.

Slash, you were awesome

in the open of the show, man.

That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln

of rock and roll...

Especially since

you haven't had a hit

in four score and seven years.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, slash.

Thanks for playing my nephew's

bar mitzvah last year.

That was cool.

That was really cool.

And oh, wow, look at that.

Looking good, Brooke Mueller.

Charlie's ex.

What's up, babe?

What's up?

She's not very bright

unless Charlie's throwing

a lamp at her.

Too soon?

Oh, Jon Lovitz.

Great job tonight, man.

That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break

from taking a break.

Jon, what's your catch phrase?

"Chinning!"

And there's our old

roast honoree,

William Shatner, one of

the coolest guys in the world.

I'm not gonna make fun of him,

'cause he looks like

he's on his final frontier.

Hey, Captain Kirk,

maybe Scotty can beam your balls

up from the floor...

You old pervert.

Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh

his graying anatomy.

And I can't believe

I get to sit

next to the--

"Iron" Mike Tyson, man,

one of the coolest, most amazing

athletes in the world.

Thanks for rolling with

the punches tonight, champ.

Thank you, Jeff.

Thank you, Jeff.

I bet you haven't been

sh*t on this hard

since you cleaned

your pigeon Coop this morning.

Not only do you love pigeons,

but you sound like one.

Listen, I'm not gonna make fun

of Mike Tyson,

because if he--

That's right. 'Cause I'm gonna

sh*t on you tonight.

That's right.

I know, I know.

If you're willing to do that

to your face,

imagine what

he would do to mine.

What is that on your face,

a target for pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is,

after all the faces

you bashed in,

the one you [bleep] up

the most is your own.

Ah, but there's no denying

the fact that Mike Tyson

had the hardest-hitting

right hook in history.

Your opponents spent more time

bleeding in the corner

than Charlie's ex-wives.

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

Has anybody seen your ex-goddess

Bree Olson's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys

coming out of the same hole,

I was watching the rescue

of the Chilean miners.

Charlie, by taking

these punches from us tonight,

you've proved to all your fans

that you're the new king

of the comebacks.

Yeah.

In fact...

In fact you've [bleep]

on more backs

than anyone in Hollywood.

Charlie,

when you were on the tour,

I roasted you eight times

in eight different cities.

And I got meaner every time.

You were a great sport--

perhaps the greatest sport

in roast history,

and I don't know

what you're gonna do next,

but whatever you decide,

I know firsthand that there's

an army of fans out there

waiting to check it out

and support you

in a big way.

I love you guys.

Thank you so much.

The warlock--the best.

Coming up...

We're not gonna be bashing

ourselves,

but we're gonna listen

to Charlie get bashed.

Mike Tyson,

Steve-O,

and William Shatner.

We roasted William Shatner,

and now he's back to show

everybody he's a good sport.

No, I'm not a good sport.

I'm after revenge.

All right, our next roaster

is Mike Tyson.

Tyson has had three marriages.

The first two

ended in knockouts.

He's a guy--

I threw in the [bleep] towel.

Please don't murder me.

He's a guy...

He's a guy who's beaten every

opponent he has gone up against

except the letter "S."

So...

So now please...

Please be patient

as he sounds out his jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

"Iron" Mike Tyson!

Mama said knock you out

I'm gonna knock you out

Oh, sh*t.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Seth.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, during

a very dark period in my life,

I found inspiration

by reading the great

epic poet the Iliad.

So, see, Seth,

you're not the only person

that gotten by

by taking ideas from homer.

That's a [bleep] idiot

over there.

He's a [bleep] idiot,

with that Stewie.

Okay.

All right.

Well, if I must confess,

I'm really not a roaster.

Of course, you know, everyone,

I don't like hurting people.

And, um, I'm living, you know,

more of a spiritual life now

through poetry,

and I've written...

Well, you know,

I've written, you know,

many verses

in my secret garden,

and now I'd like to share them

with a few of you here today.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, this'll be a honor,

because, um, as the bard

once said,

"All the world's a stage."

And Charlie's been booed off

them all, of course.

In this first verse,

you'll recognize the classic

a-a-b-b-a poetic structure.

There once was a old man

named Ross

whose jokes

were covered with moss.

His punch line was musty,

his premise was dusty,

I wish he'd suck on a [bleep]

exhaust, you know?

Oh.

So excuse me.

What you gonna do, Jeff?

What the [bleep]

you gonna do, Jeff?

You know, I'm--

you know, I must say, you know,

I'm rather intrigued

by your puffy, grotesque

[bleep] face, Jeff, you know?

Normally--normally

when I'm next to somebody

whose face

is grotesque as yours,

they throw in

the [bleep] towel, man.

You're a mess, man.

During your performance,

I wish I bit my own ears off.

You know?

You [bleep] suck, man.

You suck!

Yes, I wish I bit my own sh*t.

All right. All right.

- That was the best.

- All right.

Now--

no, come on, stop.

I got to do this sh*t right.

All right.

I didn't do well in school,

but I'm trying to do this sh*t.

All right.

Charlie, our next poem

was inspired

by the great Emily Dickinson,

who I consider a real goddess.

You know, whatever happened

to them hos, man?

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

But, Charlie,

let me remind you...

Something every man must know.

Once the money goes,

so does the hos.

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