Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #4
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2011
- 90 min
- 627 Views
Trust me on that one, Charlie.
Man, come on,
let's keep it real.
You know, Brooke,
Charlie had every [bleep]
disease known to man,
but still,
you [bleep] his [bleep]
before you shake
Steve-O's hand, you know?
This wife-beating cokehead
claims he's some
rock star from Mars.
Man, if he was black, his ass
would be behind bars, you know?
Which is [bleep] bullshit,
because I'm
the greatest poet alive!
I'm the greatest
wordsmith ever.
I'm the--I'm Robert Frost.
I'm--I'm Lord Byron.
My verses are impetuous,
my rhymes impregnable.
I want to eat your children!
I--I...
But, of course,
I'm using poetic license,
and, um, they haven't
revoked that one yet.
And thank you all, guys.
May you guys continue
and talking mean
to one another.
God bless you.
Bye, guys.
I'm finished.
Thank you.
Still to come,
Anthony Jeselnik...
Charlie Sheen keeps saying
he's winning.
That guy couldn't win
a goddamn coin toss.
- William Shatner...
- Will you sit down?
And Charlie Sheen.
You can't help
but feel for him,
'cause he is your friend,
plus, uh, you know,
he owes me a hooker,
so I'm looking for--
does anybody know where he is?
Our next roaster
is Anthony Jeselnik.
Anthony Jeselnik's act
combines the excitement
of standing there
with the thrill
of saying words.
You know him best from me
saying his name right now.
Please welcome a man
who's got a bright future
in something other than comedy,
Anthony Jeselnik.
Thank you.
Seth MacFarlane,
everybody, huh?
This is MacFarlane's third time
hosting the show,
which should come
as no surprise,
because when Seth MacFarlane
does something,
by God, he repeats
the living sh*t out of it.
My good friend
Jeff Ross is here...
Even though it's laundry day.
And Kate Walsh...
I don't watch
that stupid show you're on.
But I did think
it was interesting
that you have your own line
of perfume, you know,
for that special lady
who wants to smell like
"Who gives a [bleep]?"
I'm glad William Shatner
could squeeze this roast
into his schedule...
In between cosmetic surgeries.
Bill, your face is so plastic
that when you're done with it,
they're gonna have to cut it up
into little pieces
so that birds don't die.
What's up, Steve-O?
Steve-O, I know you were
in a dark place for a while.
You were struggling.
But now you're trying
stand-up comedy.
I actually saw you perform
once at the comedy cellar,
and here's some free advice,
Steve-O.
Don't give up your suicide.
Patrice O'Neal is here.
You literally cannot miss him.
Holy Christ, you're fat.
You look like
you deep-fry your hands
before you bite
your fingernails.
That's a good joke.
That's a racist joke!
That's some racist sh*t
right there.
Mike Tyson.
That's the whole joke.
Mike Tyson, I love you.
You're my favorite boxer
of all time.
I don't even want to stand up
here and make fun of you.
Besides, what can you say
about Mike Tyson
that hasn't already been the
title of a Richard Pryor album.
Oh, sh*t.
- He got it.
- I did.
Patrice got it.
Too many white people
to get that.
Too many white people?
You know what no one ever says
is "too few black people."
Yeah.
Mike, to me, you will always
be the champion.
You will always
be the champion...
Thank you very much.
The champion of having more
sh*t on your face than seal.
Mike Tyson
got a tattoo on his face
so that every time
he looks in the mirror,
he can be proud
that converting to Islam
is only the second dumbest
thing he's ever done.
That's good.
You regret it.
I well may.
And now
for the man of the hour,
Mr. Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, I don't understand
why you're not grateful
for what you have right now.
I mean, after all,
the only reason you got on TV
in the first place
is because God hates
Michael j. Fox.
Charlie, you are a monster.
Every moment of your life
looks like the first two minutes
of Law & Order:
SVU.You've convinced more women
to have abortions
than the prenatal test
for [bleep] syndrome.
And, Charlie, I think
the craziest thing about you
is that you thought you were
gonna go back to your TV show
after calling your boss
a "Jew [bleep]."
If people got
to keep their jobs
after calling their boss
a Jew [bleep], Charlie,
then everyone would do it.
But, Charlie,
despite everything
I've just said,
you're a good sport
for being here tonight.
Thanks for letting me
be here, too.
Thank you, everybody.
Thanks a lot.
The Comedy Central Roast
of Charlie Sheen
is brought to you
by FIFA Soccer 12.
Still to come, Steve-O...
This is critical
if I'm gonna have a future
beyond breaking bones
and shoving things up my butt.
Amy Schumer...
I'm gonna get
sh*t-faced.
I'm gonna be slurring
and throwing up on strangers.
And Patrice O'Neal.
This should be
my last show ever.
Uh, our next roaster
is Steve-O.
This guy makes it easy for us
to bust his balls
and pull his leg,
because his balls are usually
stapled to his leg.
So, now, please give up
your horse semen for Steve-O.
What an honor to be here
with Mike Tyson.
The last time
I hung out with Mike,
we locked ourselves
in a bathroom
and ripped through
five grams of cocaine.
But Mike's really
changed his ways, though.
See, here he is taking
a beating for a check,
and it hasn't been made out
to Don King.
That is a good one.
That is a good one.
Some people know Kate Walsh
as a television actress,
but most people
don't know her at all.
And my hero...
Charlie Sheen.
Charlie definitely has
tiger blood
coursing through his veins.
Unfortunately, that tiger is
a helpless drug addict.
Dude, your nose is like my ass.
There's nothing
you won't shove up there.
I've been clean and sober
for 3 1/2 years now...
But Charlie still
hasn't hit rock bottom.
I know he's looking forward
to it, though,
because he thinks
there's a rock there.
You know, when Charlie started
referring to his girlfriends
as goddesses,
I was confused,
so I looked it up
in the dictionary.
It said,
"Goddesses, plural, noun--
two [bleep] dumpsters who got
sick of buying their own drugs."
But, Charlie,
don't ever pretend
that you're not a totally
bitchin' rock star from Mars,
because you are.
And I love you.
And I am so grateful
that you've let me be
a part of this tonight.
Right now I'm gonna do something
insanely stupid for you.
I am going to attempt
to get a black eye
from the former heavyweight
champion of the world.
Mike, bro, I am ready.
Let me get that fist.
Man, I don't want
to do this sh*t, man.
We're not gonna call the police
or anything after this.
[Bleep] him up, Mike!
All right.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Go for it.
Aah!
Ah.
I think that'll do it.
Thank you, everybody.
Wow.
That's what it looks like when
an a**hole gets fisted, I guess.
All right.
All right, what can I say
about Amy Schumer?
Um, I actually
mean that sincerely.
I've never heard of this woman.
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"Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 24 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/comedy_central_roast_of_charlie_sheen_5797>.
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