Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #4

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Trust me on that one, Charlie.

Man, come on,

let's keep it real.

You know, Brooke,

Charlie had every [bleep]

disease known to man,

but still,

you [bleep] his [bleep]

before you shake

Steve-O's hand, you know?

This wife-beating cokehead

claims he's some

rock star from Mars.

Man, if he was black, his ass

would be behind bars, you know?

Which is [bleep] bullshit,

because I'm

the greatest poet alive!

I'm the greatest

wordsmith ever.

I'm the--I'm Robert Frost.

I'm--I'm Lord Byron.

My verses are impetuous,

my rhymes impregnable.

I want to eat your children!

I--I...

But, of course,

I'm using poetic license,

and, um, they haven't

revoked that one yet.

And thank you all, guys.

May you guys continue

and resume to being nasty

and talking mean

to one another.

God bless you.

Bye, guys.

I'm finished.

Thank you.

Still to come,

Anthony Jeselnik...

Charlie Sheen keeps saying

he's winning.

That guy couldn't win

a goddamn coin toss.

- William Shatner...

- Will you sit down?

And Charlie Sheen.

You can't help

but feel for him,

'cause he is your friend,

plus, uh, you know,

he owes me a hooker,

so I'm looking for--

does anybody know where he is?

Our next roaster

is Anthony Jeselnik.

Anthony Jeselnik's act

combines the excitement

of standing there

with the thrill

of saying words.

You know him best from me

saying his name right now.

Please welcome a man

who's got a bright future

in something other than comedy,

Anthony Jeselnik.

Thank you.

Seth MacFarlane,

everybody, huh?

This is MacFarlane's third time

hosting the show,

which should come

as no surprise,

because when Seth MacFarlane

does something,

by God, he repeats

the living sh*t out of it.

My good friend

Jeff Ross is here...

Even though it's laundry day.

And Kate Walsh...

I don't watch

that stupid show you're on.

But I did think

it was interesting

that you have your own line

of perfume, you know,

for that special lady

who wants to smell like

"Who gives a [bleep]?"

I'm glad William Shatner

could squeeze this roast

into his schedule...

In between cosmetic surgeries.

Bill, your face is so plastic

that when you're done with it,

they're gonna have to cut it up

into little pieces

so that birds don't die.

What's up, Steve-O?

Steve-O, I know you were

in a dark place for a while.

You were struggling.

But now you're trying

stand-up comedy.

I actually saw you perform

once at the comedy cellar,

and here's some free advice,

Steve-O.

Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O'Neal is here.

You literally cannot miss him.

Holy Christ, you're fat.

You look like

you deep-fry your hands

before you bite

your fingernails.

That's a good joke.

That's a racist joke!

That's some racist sh*t

right there.

Mike Tyson.

That's the whole joke.

Mike Tyson, I love you.

You're my favorite boxer

of all time.

I don't even want to stand up

here and make fun of you.

Besides, what can you say

about Mike Tyson

that hasn't already been the

title of a Richard Pryor album.

Oh, sh*t.

- He got it.

- I did.

Patrice got it.

Too many white people

to get that.

Too many white people?

You know what no one ever says

is "too few black people."

Yeah.

Mike, to me, you will always

be the champion.

You will always

be the champion...

Thank you very much.

The champion of having more

sh*t on your face than seal.

Mike Tyson

got a tattoo on his face

so that every time

he looks in the mirror,

he can be proud

that converting to Islam

is only the second dumbest

thing he's ever done.

That's good.

You regret it.

I well may.

And now

for the man of the hour,

Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Charlie, I don't understand

why you're not grateful

for what you have right now.

I mean, after all,

the only reason you got on TV

in the first place

is because God hates

Michael j. Fox.

Charlie, you are a monster.

Every moment of your life

looks like the first two minutes

of Law & Order:
SVU.

You've convinced more women

to have abortions

than the prenatal test

for [bleep] syndrome.

And, Charlie, I think

the craziest thing about you

is that you thought you were

gonna go back to your TV show

after calling your boss

a "Jew [bleep]."

If people got

to keep their jobs

after calling their boss

a Jew [bleep], Charlie,

then everyone would do it.

But, Charlie,

despite everything

I've just said,

you're a good sport

for being here tonight.

Thanks for letting me

be here, too.

Thank you, everybody.

Thanks a lot.

The Comedy Central Roast

of Charlie Sheen

is brought to you

by FIFA Soccer 12.

Still to come, Steve-O...

This is critical

if I'm gonna have a future

beyond breaking bones

and shoving things up my butt.

Amy Schumer...

I'm gonna get

sh*t-faced.

I'm gonna be slurring

and throwing up on strangers.

And Patrice O'Neal.

This should be

my last show ever.

Uh, our next roaster

is Steve-O.

This guy makes it easy for us

to bust his balls

and pull his leg,

because his balls are usually

stapled to his leg.

So, now, please give up

your horse semen for Steve-O.

What an honor to be here

with Mike Tyson.

The last time

I hung out with Mike,

we locked ourselves

in a bathroom

and ripped through

five grams of cocaine.

But Mike's really

changed his ways, though.

See, here he is taking

a beating for a check,

and it hasn't been made out

to Don King.

That is a good one.

That is a good one.

Some people know Kate Walsh

as a television actress,

but most people

don't know her at all.

And my hero...

Charlie Sheen.

Charlie definitely has

tiger blood

coursing through his veins.

Unfortunately, that tiger is

a helpless drug addict.

Dude, your nose is like my ass.

There's nothing

you won't shove up there.

I've been clean and sober

for 3 1/2 years now...

But Charlie still

hasn't hit rock bottom.

I know he's looking forward

to it, though,

because he thinks

there's a rock there.

You know, when Charlie started

referring to his girlfriends

as goddesses,

I was confused,

so I looked it up

in the dictionary.

It said,

"Goddesses, plural, noun--

two [bleep] dumpsters who got

sick of buying their own drugs."

But, Charlie,

don't ever pretend

that you're not a totally

bitchin' rock star from Mars,

because you are.

And I love you.

And I am so grateful

that you've let me be

a part of this tonight.

Right now I'm gonna do something

insanely stupid for you.

I am going to attempt

to get a black eye

from the former heavyweight

champion of the world.

Mike, bro, I am ready.

Let me get that fist.

Man, I don't want

to do this sh*t, man.

We're not gonna call the police

or anything after this.

[Bleep] him up, Mike!

All right.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Go for it.

Aah!

Ah.

I think that'll do it.

Thank you, everybody.

Wow.

That's what it looks like when

an a**hole gets fisted, I guess.

All right.

All right, what can I say

about Amy Schumer?

Um, I actually

mean that sincerely.

I've never heard of this woman.

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