Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #5

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So please get ready

for the comedy stylings

of the fourth runner-up

of the fifth season

of Last Comic Standing,

Amy Schumer.

Mike "Tython."

Am I saying that right?

Ha ha.

I'll get you good.

Wasn't he great up here?

No, I'm asking.

I couldn't understand

a [bleep] word he said.

Mike, your voice sounds

like a girl crying.

Every time you speak,

do you give yourself

an erection?

Sometimes.

Depends what I'm talking about--

Hey, hey, hey, Mike,

here's something

you'll never hear--

"Great tattoo!"

You have a slutty

lower-back tattoo on your face.

Men don't know

whether to be scared of it

or finish on it.

Look at that face.

It's so--

it's so dark and wrinkly

and constantly getting pounded.

It's like Patrice's

grandmother's a**hole

after a gospel brunch.

Oh. Sh*t.

I'm just assuming

she raised you.

Patrice O'Neal,

one of my favorite comics--

Patrice has always been destined

for stardom and diabetes.

So tonight is not just

the roast of Charlie Sheen.

It's also a farewell party

for Patrice's foot.

Diabetes--holy sh*t.

Evil. Sitting next to this b*tch

the whole time.

I didn't know she--

this was coming.

It's true.

If Amy had as many d*cks

coming out as she had going in,

she'd look like

a [bleep] porcupine.

Is his interpreter here?

Anthony,

what's your last name--

Uh, Van Der Sloot?

What is it?

Uh...

You have all the likeability

of a Hitler youth.

Look at you.

Speaking of Kate Walsh,

Kate, to some people,

Grey's Anatomy

is more than a TV show.

In fact, Grey's Anatomy

is what William Shatner

calls his balls.

Right?

William.

I've seen less bloated men

dredged out of rivers.

What's going on?

Wha--does Priceline pay you

in empanadas?

What's happening?

- Are you taking that from her?

- Oh, yeah, we have to.

- You got to get her back!

- Go get her.

And Steve-O is here.

Steve-O, great try.

Steve-O...

But I truly am, no joke,

sorry for the loss

of your friend Ryan Dunn.

I know

you must have been thinking,

"It could have been me,"

and I know we were all thinking,

"Why wasn't it?"

Um...

Thank you.

[Bleep] you, Amy!

Oh, Mike.

Stay away from me.

Speaking of things

that should already be dead,

Charlie Sheen is still alive.

Charlie, you--I'm a fan.

You were amazing in Platoon.

Your marriage

to Denise Richards,

it was kind of like

her Vietnam,

'cause she was constantly afraid

of being killed by Charlie.

But there's no denying

how famous you are.

I mean,

it was international news

when you ruined the lives

of those two girls living

with you--

you know, your daughters.

But, no, I mean, Charlie,

you get a bad rap,

but you're just like

Bruce Willis.

You know, you were big

in the '80s,

and now your old slot's being

filled with Ashton Kutcher.

But all joking aside,

if you ever need a friend

to pee in a cup for you,

I'm your gal.

Thanks for having me.

You know what's funny?

I have never met

William Shatner.

Coming up, William Shatner...

And I'm very much looking

forward to meeting Shatner.

Patrice O'Neal...

That sh*t is crazy, man.

And Charlie Sheen.

I think if--

Wow. Look at those statues.

Sorry.

What was the question?

All right, our next roaster

is the legendary

William Shatner.

Here he is.

I can't joke about this guy,

'cause I think he's

the [bleep] greatest.

The guy who played Captain Kirk

back before Star Trek looked

like a bunch of gay guys

working in a Mac store,

William Shatner.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you.

Keep it going for Chaz Bono.

Uh, Charlie...

I was driving by tonight,

and I heard that

they were doing your roast,

and I thought what a great--

great opportunity

to offer this young Mexican...

A bit of fatherly advice

he so clearly

hasn't been getting.

You see, I've been doing this

for quite a while now,

and I think that, uh,

I can bestow on you

some of the vast wisdom

from my experience

in this wonderful business

of entertainment.

Uh, first off, Charlie,

I'm, uh...

I'm 80 years old.

You're, what, 47?

How come we look like

we went to high school together?

And, uh...

And you're going too fast, son.

You got to slow down

and smell the roses, my boy.

That's why I have

such a storied and...

Illustrious career...

Because I'm patient.

I was willing

to wait a long time

to get

into the right projects...

Just like

Patrice O'Neal's family.

Okay, Charlie.

So you're out of a job.

Don't feel sad.

I know another famous guy

who was kind to whores

and always kept

12 losers around,

and he got crucified

by Jews, too.

And people worshipped that guy.

Look, look, Carlos...

I've had my share of wild times

with the seoritas.

Yeah.

I've had sex in space

with green women.

Sure, you've had sex

with blue women,

because unlike you, they

couldn't handle their drugs.

You don't need

that kind of press, Charlie!

In my day, if I wanted

that kind of publicity,

I had to do something drastic,

like kiss a black girl......

Or let an Asian drive.

Oh.

May I suggest

to you, Charlie...

That you reexamine

your relations with women?

Prostitutes cost a lot

of money, Charlie.

Hasn't anyone told you

that actresses

will sleep with you for free?

Man, that's--

that's Hollywood 101.

You should have called.

You know, uh, what will help you

get through this--

this--this tough spot,

something--you have

to give something back.

See, I was at--recently

at a celebrity auction

where I sold

one of my kidney stones

for $75,000.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you understand

what I've done?

I synthesized uric acid

and calcium

inside my bladder

and turned it into a house

for habitat for humanity.

Who's the warlock now, b*tch?

Actually, Emilio...

We're not that different.

You're a rock star from Mars.

Yes, you are.

And as one rocket man

to another,

if I may give you

my most important piece

of advice tonight--

never, ever forget to book

your next rehab stay

through priceline.com.

Now, Charlie, see,

you take it from the master.

That little subtle plug there--

$65 right in the pocket.

Whoa, my, look at the time.

Oh, jeez.

I got to simply--

I must get home.

I want to catch

that new Ashton Kutcher show.

Do you--do you know him?

- He's a nice guy.

- No.

I went to high school

with his wife.

Thank you very much.

It was funny.

He was so [bleep] Shatner-y.

How awesome was that?

Um...

Our next roaster

is Patrice O'Neal.

You may recognize Patrice

from his many speaking roles

in movies,

but only if you've sat

in front of him in a theater.

Um...

I know.

I know. Some of these jokes

may come off racist,

which is why

it's important to remember

that Rosa Parks fought

so Patrice could take

three seats on the bus.

So please welcome a guy

who looks like Chris Farley

after a mine-shaft explosion,

the very funny Patrice O'Neal.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I, uh...

It's just strange, 'cause...

I had all this planned sh*t,

but I didn't...

Like, I didn't know

William Shatner

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