Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #6
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2011
- 90 min
- 627 Views
was gonna be quasi...
Like, a old racist man.
Like, but...
But everybody's giggling,
like, "Whoa, he's..."
You're a [bleep] a**hole,
Captain Kirk.
What are you talking about?
Like, I don't respect him,
but, like, I'll respect him,
'cause he's [bleep]
Captain Kirk,
but I think he might be racist,
'cause his hair plugs look like
black girls' [bleep] hair.
This is [bleep] amazing.
Like, I wasn't gonna be mean
to Anthony.
I don't know him.
I never met him.
Like, so I'm sitting
here watching him,
and I'm like, "He has
way too much confidence."
Like, in my world,
he's an open-miker.
Nobody knows him,
and nobody should.
Nobody should [bleep] know
Anthony, uh...
I refuse to learn
his last shitty name.
I learned Galifianakis.
That's the last
shitty last name
this [bleep] gonna learn
in this [bleep] funky town.
He reminds me of
a medieval restaurant waiter.
Like...
His whole demeanor.
Like,
"Hello, may I welcome to--"
and you just want to go,
"Shut the [bleep] up
"and bring me
my giant turkey leg,
you [bleep] nothing."
How the [bleep] can I be
too mean after all this sh*t?
I can't believe it.
I'm dying of diabetes,
and you mother[bleep] are like,
"Oh, that evil, fat [bleep]."
You know.
I consider Seth an icon.
I do.
Like, I got a critique
about Seth.
It--it's too much Seth.
It's...
Like, it's almost like he's
jealous of his own creation.
Where he wants to prove
"I'm better than the cartoons."
But he's not better
than the cartoons.
See, but I think
the problem is with Seth
is that he don't have
a partner,
you know,
like the South Park guys
or Hanna-Barbera.
I know we've read
that old story
that, uh, Hanna once said,
"I'm bigger than Yogi,"
and Barbera slapped the sh*t
out of him for saying that?
Seth needs a Barbera...
To slap him and slap him twice.
Once to say, "Hey, man, don't
forget why people love you."
And two,
"Just say you're gay."
No...
No straight man
writes that many show tunes.
That's a fact.
I love Mike Tyson,
and I don't have much to say.
I'm just disappointed and hurt
at how much comfort white people
have around you now.
I don't--I don't like it.
And Steve-O,
this new, subdued,
"not drunk" you,
it [bleep] stinks, man.
Why are you still looking at me
like that, Mr. Shatner, sir?
Are you like, "Boy,
I had more for that [bleep].
I didn't say it.
I should have said it,
'cause he's an a**hole.
You're telling it as it is.
You're telling it like it is.
Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.
Look, Jeff Ross is a legend.
His funniness is a legend.
But when I say "legend,"
I mean a myth...
Like the Loch Ness monster
or Bigfoot.
Like,
we all believe they exist,
but who really ever saw it?
Ah, sh*t.
I've turned down many roasts.
I have--
about three or four of 'em.
And I said yes to this,
and I'm dead-ass serious.
I said yes to this because, uh,
I respect Charlie Sheen.
I do.
I said yes 'cause I respe--
not--not--not
his body of work.
Like, not...
It's all been
very Christian Slater-ish.
Like it just, like...
He sucks, but he's good.
But he sucks at the same time.
Uh, I think
that his stand that he made,
uh, against the business--
I think this
is a [bleep]-up business,
but he stood up,
he still survived,
uh, and he proved
that nobody can keep, like,
a Sheen down, you know?
They can keep a Estevez down,
'cause his brother...
And he's the good one.
That mother[bleep]
do everything right,
and that [bleep] career
is over.
Holy sh*t.
[Bleep] tiger blood.
He's selling his own blood
to make money.
But I wanted to say
to your eyes, man,
I-I-I...
I love that you stood up
to what you thought was wrong,
and, uh, I'm impressed by you,
and I wanted to say that.
So thank you, man.
Thanks for having me.
Y'all take care.
Thank you.
Still to come,
Charlie Sheen goes off.
He's winning.
I mean, when you're winning,
you can take anything.
Give it as good
as you get it, my friend.
I hope all you clowns
are ready for my "sheenius."
And now it is time
for the moment
we've all been waiting for.
We're gonna get to hear
a ranting tirade
from the man himself.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you a man
with a big heart,
because it's been dangerously
enlarged by cocaine use,
Charlie Sheen.
Wild thing
you make my heart sing
you make everything
groovy
come on, come on,
wild thing
Hi. Hello.
I'm Charlie.
Wow.
Wow [bleep] Wow.
What a night.
Until tonight, I never realized
how [bleep] up I was.
All this time, I thought
I was just having fun.
Yeah, it's true.
It's true.
I've hung around with a lot
of shady people over the years--
losers, drug addicts,
dealers, desperate whores.
But to have you all here
on one night is really special.
My thanks to Seth MacFarlane.
Great job tonight.
Look at you.
Look at you, Seth.
You've got the--
got the spray-on tan,
the waxed eyebrows,
the peck implants,
halogen teeth,
the bleached anus...
The scrotal tuck,
nipple enlargement,
taint augmentation.
But I got to admit, I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money,
three TV shows,
and still, even with
all the work you've had done,
you can talk down the street
totally unrecognized.
Yes.
Yeah.
Tonight I put all
the craziness behind me.
I say let the past
stay in the past...
With Jon Lovitz.
Steve-O,
you're an animal, man.
People say I'm crazy,
but you, you're the real deal.
This guy actually got a tattoo
of his own face on his back.
There it is.
There it is.
Even he knows
it was a huge mistake,
because it makes
Johnny Knoxville's [bleep]
go soft.
Kate Walsh.
I don't know anyone
who watches your show...
Because I date women
who can still get their period.
Anthony Jeselnik.
I really liked
your slow, measured delivery.
It's as if you were trying to--
trying to savor the moment.
Years from now when you're
locking up at Radioshack...
You'll look back
at tonight and say...
"I...
"Wish...I...
"Was...
Funnier."
Goddamn.
Seriously, dude, the only
thing slower than your delivery
is Patrice O'Neal's metabolism.
When I first
saw Patrice on the stage,
I thought the same thing
we all did--
Why is Mike Tyson's
mother here?
But, Mike, no, no,
Mike, Mike, Mike,
- you were fantastic tonight.
- Oh, sh*t.
By the way, Mike,
I'm sorry for drinking
all the blood out of your tiger.
I was going through
a weird phase.
Ah, look, there he is--
Jeff Ross.
Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit
is perfect for you,
because you have what I would
call a Libyan face.
By that, I mean
it's [bleep] revolting.
Oh, hey, look.
Look.
It's former funnyman
Jon Lovitz.
Just last week,
we were out on the golf course,
we chatted, had a few laughs,
then he got back
And Amy Schumer.
Great job.
You really [bleep] me tonight...
Which I dig, because
I'm into anonymous sex.
And no one's more
anonymous here than Amy Schumer.
I mean,
I'm Charlie [bleep] Sheen.
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