Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #6

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was gonna be quasi...

Like, a old racist man.

Like, but...

But everybody's giggling,

like, "Whoa, he's..."

You're a [bleep] a**hole,

Captain Kirk.

What are you talking about?

Like, I don't respect him,

but, like, I'll respect him,

'cause he's [bleep]

Captain Kirk,

but I think he might be racist,

'cause his hair plugs look like

black girls' [bleep] hair.

This is [bleep] amazing.

Like, I wasn't gonna be mean

to Anthony.

I don't know him.

I never met him.

Like, so I'm sitting

here watching him,

and I'm like, "He has

way too much confidence."

Like, in my world,

he's an open-miker.

Nobody knows him,

and nobody should.

Nobody should [bleep] know

Anthony, uh...

I refuse to learn

his last shitty name.

I learned Galifianakis.

That's the last

shitty last name

this [bleep] gonna learn

in this [bleep] funky town.

He reminds me of

a medieval restaurant waiter.

Like...

His whole demeanor.

Like,

"Hello, may I welcome to--"

and you just want to go,

"Shut the [bleep] up

"and bring me

my giant turkey leg,

you [bleep] nothing."

How the [bleep] can I be

too mean after all this sh*t?

I can't believe it.

I'm dying of diabetes,

and you mother[bleep] are like,

"Oh, that evil, fat [bleep]."

You know.

I consider Seth an icon.

I do.

Like, I got a critique

about Seth.

It--it's too much Seth.

It's...

Like, it's almost like he's

jealous of his own creation.

Where he wants to prove

"I'm better than the cartoons."

But he's not better

than the cartoons.

See, but I think

the problem is with Seth

is that he don't have

a partner,

you know,

like the South Park guys

or Hanna-Barbera.

I know we've read

that old story

that, uh, Hanna once said,

"I'm bigger than Yogi,"

and Barbera slapped the sh*t

out of him for saying that?

Seth needs a Barbera...

To slap him and slap him twice.

Once to say, "Hey, man, don't

forget why people love you."

And two,

"Just say you're gay."

No...

No straight man

writes that many show tunes.

That's a fact.

I love Mike Tyson,

and I don't have much to say.

I'm just disappointed and hurt

at how much comfort white people

have around you now.

I don't--I don't like it.

And Steve-O,

this new, subdued,

"not drunk" you,

it [bleep] stinks, man.

Why are you still looking at me

like that, Mr. Shatner, sir?

Are you like, "Boy,

I had more for that [bleep].

I didn't say it.

I should have said it,

'cause he's an a**hole.

You're telling it as it is.

You're telling it like it is.

Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.

Look, Jeff Ross is a legend.

His funniness is a legend.

But when I say "legend,"

I mean a myth...

Like the Loch Ness monster

or Bigfoot.

Like,

we all believe they exist,

but who really ever saw it?

Ah, sh*t.

I've turned down many roasts.

I have--

about three or four of 'em.

And I said yes to this,

and I'm dead-ass serious.

I said yes to this because, uh,

I respect Charlie Sheen.

I do.

I said yes 'cause I respe--

not--not--not

his body of work.

Like, not...

It's all been

very Christian Slater-ish.

Like it just, like...

He sucks, but he's good.

But he sucks at the same time.

Uh, I think

that his stand that he made,

uh, against the business--

I think this

is a [bleep]-up business,

but he stood up,

he still survived,

uh, and he proved

that nobody can keep, like,

a Sheen down, you know?

They can keep a Estevez down,

'cause his brother...

And he's the good one.

That mother[bleep]

do everything right,

and that [bleep] career

is over.

Holy sh*t.

[Bleep] tiger blood.

He's selling his own blood

to make money.

But I wanted to say

to your eyes, man,

I-I-I...

I love that you stood up

to what you thought was wrong,

and, uh, I'm impressed by you,

and I wanted to say that.

So thank you, man.

Thanks for having me.

Y'all take care.

Thank you.

Still to come,

Charlie Sheen goes off.

He's winning.

I mean, when you're winning,

you can take anything.

Give it as good

as you get it, my friend.

I hope all you clowns

are ready for my "sheenius."

And now it is time

for the moment

we've all been waiting for.

We're gonna get to hear

a ranting tirade

from the man himself.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you a man

with a big heart,

because it's been dangerously

enlarged by cocaine use,

Charlie Sheen.

Wild thing

you make my heart sing

you make everything

groovy

come on, come on,

wild thing

Hi. Hello.

I'm Charlie.

Wow.

Wow [bleep] Wow.

What a night.

Until tonight, I never realized

how [bleep] up I was.

All this time, I thought

I was just having fun.

Yeah, it's true.

It's true.

I've hung around with a lot

of shady people over the years--

losers, drug addicts,

dealers, desperate whores.

But to have you all here

on one night is really special.

My thanks to Seth MacFarlane.

Great job tonight.

Look at you.

Look at you, Seth.

You've got the--

got the spray-on tan,

the waxed eyebrows,

the peck implants,

halogen teeth,

the bleached anus...

The scrotal tuck,

nipple enlargement,

taint augmentation.

But I got to admit, I envy you.

You've got boatloads of money,

three TV shows,

and still, even with

all the work you've had done,

you can talk down the street

totally unrecognized.

Yes.

Yeah.

Tonight I put all

the craziness behind me.

I say let the past

stay in the past...

With Jon Lovitz.

Steve-O,

you're an animal, man.

People say I'm crazy,

but you, you're the real deal.

This guy actually got a tattoo

of his own face on his back.

There it is.

There it is.

Even he knows

it was a huge mistake,

because it makes

Johnny Knoxville's [bleep]

go soft.

Kate Walsh.

I don't know anyone

who watches your show...

Because I date women

who can still get their period.

Anthony Jeselnik.

I really liked

your slow, measured delivery.

It's as if you were trying to--

trying to savor the moment.

Years from now when you're

locking up at Radioshack...

You'll look back

at tonight and say...

"I...

"Wish...I...

"Was...

Funnier."

Goddamn.

Seriously, dude, the only

thing slower than your delivery

is Patrice O'Neal's metabolism.

When I first

saw Patrice on the stage,

I thought the same thing

we all did--

Why is Mike Tyson's

mother here?

But, Mike, no, no,

Mike, Mike, Mike,

- you were fantastic tonight.

- Oh, sh*t.

By the way, Mike,

I'm sorry for drinking

all the blood out of your tiger.

I was going through

a weird phase.

Ah, look, there he is--

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit

is perfect for you,

because you have what I would

call a Libyan face.

By that, I mean

it's [bleep] revolting.

Oh, hey, look.

Look.

It's former funnyman

Jon Lovitz.

Just last week,

we were out on the golf course,

we chatted, had a few laughs,

then he got back

on the mower and drove off.

And Amy Schumer.

Great job.

You really [bleep] me tonight...

Which I dig, because

I'm into anonymous sex.

And no one's more

anonymous here than Amy Schumer.

I mean,

I'm Charlie [bleep] Sheen.

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