Comic Book Villains Page #5

anymore.

Buy or read.

Why's that?

I don't know.

Um, just lately I've

been sorta thinking

that comics aren't

the real world.

Like last night,

I had on CNN for a while

instead of

the cartoon network.

Instead of

the cartoon network.

I know that sounds stupid.

Comics aren't

the real world?

Now, that's

dangerous talk.

That's a nice photo.

That's me

and my husband.

We were

on our honeymoon.

Spain, in '48.

God, perfect!

Right after

world war ii.

'48. Wow.

Why, you interested?

You're not just

giving me lip service

like Norman, right?

No, I'm interested.

Do you drink tea?

Yeah, actually, I do.

You remind me so much

of my husband.

Really?

No, of course not.

No, I guess not.

But you--you have

this real pale skin.

It's--yeah, so does

half of Sweden.

It's--yeah, so does

half of Sweden.

Um, so Spain,

was it nice?

Mmm. It was

the only time

that I ever

left America.

It was--

it was perfect.

It was perfect.

You talked about Spain?

Yeah. And she told me

about how her

and her husband

went on a trip

there once

and spent 2 weeks

traveling around.

He even ran

with the bulls

in Pamplona.

Paloma.

What?

Paloma.

What?

That run with the bulls

is in Paloma.

Uh, no, ray,

I'm pretty sure

it's Pamplona.

I mean, who's Paloma?

Isn't that

somebody's daughter?

Mm-mmm.

So, when did you

get around to talking

about the comic books?

Well, it just--

I didn't feel right

about it,

so it just

didn't come up.

So, what'd you

talk about?

Well, I told you, stuff.

You know, her life.

Stuff?!

Yeah, stuff.

So you never thought

to ask her

if she was comin' around

to selling me the books?

If she was comin' around

to selling me the books?

Oh, no, I did get around

to asking her that much.

And?

No way.

I've been reading

Hemingway.

"Papa" Hemingway.

It's all because

of you, you know?

Oh, dear, what have

I gone and done now?

It's all that talk

about Spain.

The running

of the bulls.

You're not reading

cliff notes now?

No.

Or comic versions?

Or comic versions?

Wasn't there a comic company

that used to adapt books?

Yeah, it was called

classics illustrated.

But they did

mostly older books,

like, um, h. G. Wells

and

3 musketeers.

I bet they could not

transport you like Hemingway.

Now, hold on.

There are good

and bad writers

in all mediums.

Comics are just

a different type

of storytelling.

You don't really

internalize as much.

Oh.

Did you like that?

Wow. Internalize.

I think

it's probably

the first time

I think

it's probably

the first time

I've ever

used that word.

don't you go

getting giddy on me.

You know,

I didn't realize

that you needed help

gardening. I can do that.

Oh, no,

that's all right.

Archie's doing great.

He used to help

his mother.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, um, back

before she died.

Hmm.

How's Norman?

How's Norman?

Recovering.

That was careless of him

not to turn off

that fuse box,

wasn't it?

Right.

Well, I'll

see you later.

Bye-bye.

She seems upset.

Well, not to worry.

What harm can it do?

Chocolate?

Isn't that boy toy

you got her sweet enough?

God, ray,

I'm sorry.

Broken.

Broken in 3 places.

The doctor says

I might have

permanent wrist

mobility problems.

God, that really sucks.

She said her foot slipped

on the accelerator.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, sure--that happened.

Well, why didn't you

tell the police?

I mean, they should

at least know about

the comics.

No, ok?

I'm not talkin'

to the police.

Yeah, but that's

like motive--

nah-uh-uh!

Ok, this is between

me and Norman and Judy.

Ok, this is between

me and Norman and Judy.

Now, I got

my wrist fixed...

But now I'm gonna

fix them!

No!

Yes. Who knows what

Raymond'll try next?

Why was it

that he didn't

have me arrested?

I just want

to feel safe.

Just tell me that,

smarty-pants.

No!

Do you understand me?

I forbid you, ok? No.

Forbid me?

Yeah, right.

What can I do for you?

Deal me in.

I'm the one waving

the plastic today.

You need a gun?

No, garden fertilizer.

I understand.

The streets

aren't as safe

as they used to be.

Yeah,

not with her drivin'.

Might I recommend

a derringer?

Petite,

for a woman's hand

or clutch purse.

I thought it was illegal

for a guy like you

to use words like petite

or clutch purse.

Let's talk high-caliber.

The . 45.

Damn it, no. Listen.

If you're gonna

get a gun,

at least get

a small gun.

I mean, let's

be realistic, right?

Why don't you

just take a look

at this 9 millimeter?

And bullets, of course?

So, I forget

which anthology

it was in,

but Larry never

talks about

how superman can never

even marry Lois.

How superman can never

even marry Lois.

At least,

if he did, he could

never screw her.

'Cause he'd have

supersperm,

which would never die

and be superstrong

and would mess up

her insides.

Well,

I gotta think about this.

Why stop there?

I mean, if supes had

supersperm,

then he would come

in a superspurt.

Who's to say

it wouldn't shoot

right out the top

of Lois' head?

Yeah, I think

he commented on that.

In the book.

The writer talks about

how superman couldn't

even jerk off,

the writer talks about

how superman couldn't

even jerk off,

because the sperm

would have the ability

to fly.

'Cause they're

tiny versions of him,

and how they'd forever

fly around the world

looking for eggs

to impregnate.

And that was

what it took.

Heavy rain

and buckets aplenty

to make Raymond see...

It was time

for desperate measures...

Seniors...

And desperate men.

What are we doin' here?

Uh, I'm just gonna

go see a friend of mine.

Since when did you

have friends west

of third street?

Never mind, ok? Just--

no. Since when

did you have friends

west of third street,

who hang out

in topless bars?

He's an old friend of mine

from high school.

He's a good friend.

So, why are you

seeing him now?

What's with

all the questions, ok?!

I thought you were

my friend.

I asked you to help me.

I need some help

right now, ok?

Ok.

Will you help me?

Ok.

Will you help me?

Ok.

I need help.

Help. Help me!

Fine. Ok.

What do you want me

to do?

Here. I want you

to hold this.

What?!

Are you

shittin' me, man?!

Look, it's dangerous

in there, ok?

And if I come out runnin',

just, uh, fire a shot

in the air--

fire a shot

in the air?!

Yeah. Scare 'em.

But what if they

don't get scared?

What if they

shoot back at me?

Just--just--

I'll be back in a minute.

Hey, Carter.

It's--it's--it's me,

Raymond macgillicuddy.

No bells.

Come on,

central high spartans,

class of '84. Whoo!

Still no bells.

Still no bells.

Ain't she sweet?

Oh, yeah.

That's one sweet piece

of p*ssy pie

right there, huh?

That's my girlfriend.

Uh, um...

So, what do you want?

I haven't seen you

here before.

Which is surprising,

which is surprising,

'cause I see your kind

here all the time.

Well, I don't have

that many dollar bills

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