Coneheads Page #3

I should've bought

an electric one.

Beldar, is that you?

- Correct.

- Bel. Pry.

The damn lawnmower won't start.

You're so good with machinery.

- Would you mind taking a look?

- I do not mind.

Greetings, Lisa. Excellent crop

of decorative growth.

- You're being nice.

- Yes.

Three-horsepower internal-combustion

chlorophyll-stalk slicer.

- There is fuel in the device?

- Plenty.

I just can't get

the damn thing to kick over.

Join us for consumption

of mass quantities this weekend.

We'll ignite our flame pit

and char mammal flesh.

Sounds fun. I'll make some coleslaw.

Coleslaw? We will enjoy it.

Thanks, Bels.

Connie! How are you?

- I love your hat.

- Hi, Mr Conehead.

I love this song!

- Sorry, it's not ready.

- I do not understand.

I have returned at the agreed-upon

time coordinates.

- I'm very sorry, Mr Conhead.

- The name is Conehead.

Well, look, Mr... Conehead,

we got a little backed up

and it took longer than expected.

Unacceptable. You delayed

my departure from here,

and all the events which were

to follow. Why this deception?

I don't know who you are

or where you're from...

France. We come from France.

Fine. The point is,

it'll be ready when it's ready.

So if you wanna take a seat

over there,

we'll call you

when your car's finished.

I will comply.

What choice do I have?

It's as if you have seized me

at the base of my snarglies.

- Hey, Ronnie?

- What?

How can it take so long to do

a simple alignment on a sedan

with standard steering

when your garage is equipped

with a digital hydraulic radiometer?

Maybe cos I was out back

finishing a beer.

OK.

Before we can recommend

your appointment as Commissioner,

we have questions regarding

your tenure as District Chief.

Senator, that was long ago,

and a busy office.

I won't be able to recall everything.

We won't be asking you about

everything. Just case 889343B.

The so-called De...

- De Cicco.

- De Cicco file.

Yes, I do remember that case.

In an unsuccessful pursuit,

you authorised the expenditure

of $250,000 to apprehend

what you believed

was an illegal alien

from another planet. A spaceman.

Excuse me.

Actually, I never said on the record

that I thought they were spacemen.

And the case is still open.

I feel that when we make

this apprehension,

the expense will be well justified...

is what I feel.

My appointment is being held up

by that De Cicco case!

I know.

I want the file put back

into the system, flagged red.

- Why me?

- I don't know.

The system screws the guy

that works the hardest.

- Politicians don't care.

- It's the system.

- Phone's ringing.

- All the time.

- No, Eli.

- The phone! I'll get it.

This guy's out there somewhere.

He's gonna make a mistake.

And when he does, we'll nail him.

I've never dated a girl

taller than me before.

Really? I've always been tall.

Are both your parents from Europe?

- When did they come to America?

- Before I was born.

My grandfather's

from the old country.

Really? Which one?

I'm not sure. One of the big ones.

My mom's the only other woman

I've ever known

who could take a sandwich like that.

- Are you gonna eat that?

- No.

You're something special,

you know that?

So Beldar's giving this woman

beginner's driving lessons

for the fifth time, huh?

That's interesting.

Why is that interesting?

I mean, the same woman.

Think about it.

The same woman.

The more you think about it, the

more you probably should worry,

because all men are pigs.

Pigs. A domesticated

cloven-hoofed vertebrate

that defecates

in the same place it consumes.

Exactly. You should be

very careful with Beldar.

He's got that Continental accent

that some women find irresistible.

I like it when you watch me drive.

- Watch it, lady!

- It's funny.

It's like you've been instructing me

all my life.

Yes.

It's almost as if you've

controlled me completely.

I just don't think I'm ready

for this test yet. I can't...

Listen to me.

I'm OK.

I'm just human.

And weak.

Gladys, look at me.

Yeah!

I am your teacher. It is natural

you harbour certain feelings for me.

But you must understand,

nothing can come of this.

58 US dollars, please.

You are one of the finest men

I've ever met.

When my species rules this planet,

your name will be on the protected

rolls. You will come to no harm.

You are wise. But there's a sadness

to your wisdom.

Ronnie, don't.

Please.

Connie,

I told you how I feel about you.

- Doesn't that mean anything?

- It means a lot.

It's like, I pick you up,

I take you out,

I bring you home, we say goodnight

and you never kiss me.

Is there something wrong with me?

Of course not.

It's just...

My parental units...

We've never been really affectionate.

I'm afraid I don't know how.

It's easy.

All you do is lean forward and kiss,

like this.

Ronnie, don't.

- I am not ready.

- You're ready!

Don't.

Greetings.

How was your date with Ronnie?

Daddy was right. Earth boys

only care about one thing.

- Ronnie behaved like a flairndep?

- Flairndep?

An uninvited grasper of Cone.

A masher. A hustler.

Flairndep?

Hi, Mr Conehead.

- I find you unacceptable!

- Yes, sir.

If I did not fear incarceration,

I would terminate your life functions

by applying pressure to your

blunt skull to cause its collapse!

Thank you.

Do not worry about Ronnie.

You will not see him in

the Laurel Hills quadrant again.

I can't believe you did that.

You've ruined my life!

Young one,

when we return to Remulak...

I don't care about Remulak!

That stupid starcruiser

is never coming, anyway!

But she said... I thought...

I will attend to the young one.

Come in.

I read in a magazine

you can talk to me about anything.

Mom?

What does it feel like to... hone?

Well, for me, the first time,

it happened so fast,

I hardly knew I had honed at all.

After that it was more repetition

than anything else.

My young one, your cone

is changing and you feel unsure.

How would you know what it's like?

You've been married to Daddy

for so long.

I was a young Cone myself, once.

Before I met Beldar, I was

attracted to a Thorasian forger.

As far as I was concerned, no other

life force in the universe mattered.

But then he got a job working

at a volcano complex on a moon.

I never saw him again.

It broke my blood-valve chamber.

I got over it.

It worked out for the best,

because then I met your father.

I knew then

that I had found my true life mate.

I love you, Mom.

The currents of chromo-bonding

between you

and your parental units are infinite.

Mebs!

Good shot.

So, have you given any thought to

what I said about, you know, hair?

I do not understand.

It's me. You don't have

to pretend it doesn't bother you.

You're young. No reason

for you to be skinny up top.

I'll let you in on a secret.

It's not all my own hair.

- Hard to tell, isn't it?

- Only from very high altitudes.

I'll say no more. Think it over.

- I can introduce you to my man.

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