Coneheads Page #4

- Thank you.

Mr Conehead!

Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?

It's me, Ronnie!

Hope you didn't cut your hand when

you tore open my car! I'm fine!

Yes, thank you! No problem!

Goodbye!

- OK.

- Chubby, come on!

OK, Conehead. That puts me

four behind you at the turn.

Correct.

Mr Conehead, I'm miserable.

I feel so bad for what I did.

It feels like somebody's ripping my

guts out. She won't take my calls.

Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak.

Buddy?

What's with the head?

Forget him. He's not a member.

That concludes

the one-metre competition.

Next, the three-metre-board category.

First diver for the home team,

Connie Conehead.

A one-and-a-half flip.

Enter the water

with as little splash as possible.

Good girl. Keep it up.

You've got one more dive.

Diving for Union High, Gale Jenson.

You were great.

I'm sorry about the other night.

I was a real jerk! OK?

Connie's our best hope

for the state finals.

Correct. We believe this also.

I don't think I've ever seen you

at any of the parent meetings.

What committees are you on?

We still need volunteers

for the homecoming gala.

- Home...

- Coming...

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry if I...

No. I shouldn't have been so...

It was me. Sometimes I just...

Me, too.

- If I thought I did anything...

- No, you didn't.

- I mean it.

- Seriously?

Yeah.

Wow! I'm glad we talked.

Parents and students,

if you direct your attention

to the sky, you will be treated

to a display of amateur fireworks,

courtesy of Beldar Conehead,

father of Connie Conehead.

Careful there, Conehead.

Pretty cheap, Conehead.

Cigar?

Is the light keeping you awake?

No.

Your breathing has become erratic.

A torg for your thoughts.

Beldar, are you content with me?

Of course. Why would I not be?

Now, I would like

to enter my slar phase.

Let us suppose

my life functions ceased.

- What would you do?

- Incinerate your carcass

in the tradition

of Ovahdar the Obtuse

and put it in a clean, dry place.

Would you find a new geneto-mate

to bring to our guz chamber

and propagate?

Ah, my most precious one,

I would collapse.

I would draw the shades

and live in the dark.

I would never leave my slar pad.

My fluids would coagulate, my cone

would shrivel and I would die,

miserable and Ionely.

The stench would be great.

You have made me very happy.

Yes, I know. Goodnight.

Life on earth is good.

I agree. Stability and contentment

have been achieved.

Lay by and put about.

Return to your port of embarkation.

There is no work for you

in the United States.

You have no job skills,

you will be a drag on our economy.

We appreciate your situation

but we have problems of our own.

- Thank you.

- Phone, sir.

Seedling here.

A fax came through

on the secure channel.

I think we've found him.

Don't toy with me.

This time it had better be real.

Hello, Mrs Conehead.

I've been meaning to talk to you

about the

Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony.

We've found someone else

to head up that committee

and won't need

Mr Conehead's services after all.

- If you could thank him for me.

- He will be disappointed.

I'm telling you, Bels,

you could win that trophy this year.

A meaningless piece of metal

and wood. I compete only with myself.

I appreciate the game

for its physics, skill,

its self-control

and, of course, spirituality.

You're full of it.

You're only coming to the ball

because you think you got a shot

at winning that trophy.

Negative. But if I should win,

I would accept it

with limited enthusiasm.

- Ron. Harv.

- What's happening?

What are you wearing

to the Hallowe'en dance?

I am not about to tell you, Harv.

"Consume alco-beverage.

Come get me!"

Ah, mai tai! I will enjoy it.

Greetings, earthman.

It is good to hone in places

other than our guz chamber

before slar phase.

Who said?

Good Housekeeping.

- What are they doing?

- It's like they stepped on a cat.

- Comdec three.

- Commissioner Seedling.

- We're on 'em.

- Don't make a move without me.

I understand. We won't move

until you get here.

Greetings.

Hello. We just stopped by

to introduce ourselves.

- We're Jehovah's Witnesses.

- How do you do? I am Beldar.

We attend the Kingdom Hall

on Cove Neck Road.

Near the dry cleaner's

and the 7-Eleven.

Exactly. May we ask you a question?

Proceed.

Is the world headed towards

a calamity?

Definitely. I have direct

personal knowledge that this is so.

- Great. May we come in?

- Of course.

Enter. Assume comfort.

- My mate, Prymaat.

- Greetings. Be seated.

So, what do you know of the doom

awaiting this planet?

As Witnesses, we believe the end

of the world is approaching

and that only 144,000 people

will be saved to reign.

I do not believe

it will be that many.

The Bible clearly states

144,000 will be saved to reign.

Very optimistic, considering

the primitive weapons

the earth people have.

Some earth weapons are not useless.

Mebs, drop it.

Well, when the time comes,

no weapon of this earth

shall avail mankind.

Correct.

- Where are you people from?

- France. We come from France.

But we are American citizens now.

- Do you have proof?

- Proof?

Christina's giving me a ride

to the dance, so I'll see you there.

I take it your daughter

was born here.

Yes. She is native to your plan...

country.

Scarlab. Modtrubuim. Beldar. Scarlab.

Beldar? Phone for you.

I will return their call

at my earliest convenience.

No, the big phone!

The big phone?

I hope you humans

have enjoyed your visit. Come again.

- You are leaving.

- How did you arrive in the US?

Thank you for coming.

They didn't buy it.

You can't talk religion

with some people.

Connie!

Ronnie's giving me a ride home

tonight, so I won't need a ride.

Negative, young lady.

We must speak now. It is imperative.

I have good news, my young one.

Our rescue vessel from Remulak

is coming tonight.

What?

You will finally see

the joys of your planet.

- I must tell Ronnie.

- Irrational. You will tell no one.

What if I said I don't want to go?

My infinitely valuable incarnation.

Watching you grow up on this

savage planet has caused me pain.

Your optic receptacles have never

seen the peaks of Aardsnaap,

the Crater of Culdroth,

the Mergziod Labyrinth.

I know, and I'm sure it's all great.

And I know that

you don't believe me,

but I'm in love with Ronnie.

Daddy, if you really care,

you'll let me say goodbye to him.

Although my blood valve

weighs heavily with your feelings,

tonight we must remain together.

You're moving away tonight?

When you get the call to be

the President of France's driver,

you gotta go.

I have to tell you something

really important.

- What is it?

- Not here. We have to be alone.

Alright!

The awarding of the club's

Golfer of the Year trophy...

Not so fast, Carl.

...for most-improved handicap

through the season. The winner is

Beldar Conehead!

The daughter and boyfriend

are on the move.

Before we do anything at all,

there's something I have to say.

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote