Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber Page #6

While you were getting|manhandled by security...

I ran into Geoffrey,|you know, that guy I like...

does the little|eyebrow thingy...

We got to talking|and I gave him my number...

and then he never called me.

Do you want me|to make you feel better?

Not only am I not going|to the Royal Ball...

but I just blew it with|Thor-slash-Charles!

He knows I was just|in it for the ticket.

That's pretty bad, baby.

You're probably never going|to hear from him again.

Fergie!

I'm just being|honest with you.

God, some gay|best friend you are!

Come on now.

Your making your little|pouty face, aren't you?

Want me to give you a hug?

I'll give you a hug. I'm going|to make you feel better.

-I'll take away all your pain...|-What is that?

My god!

This? I was going|to tell you about this.

When were you going|to tell me about it?

What are you doing with that?|I was gonna tell you about it.

But I was afraid because you haven't|been thinking clearly lately.

Put the invite down|and no one will get hurt.

What are you doing?|Put that down!

Alright, you're acting|like a lunatic.

Put that down right now.|This is not worth it.

Speak for yourself.

Come on now, sweetie.

Sweetie...

Late for work, because|stayed up all night...

trying to figure out how|to apologize to Charles...

without actually having|to say I'm sorry.

Forgive me balloons:|seventy-five dollars.

Box of truffles:
|fifty dollars.

Strip-o-gram and lap|dance: 125 dollars plus tip.

Yet still...

Katya, where have you been?

The Rice-A-Roni suits have been|waiting for over an hour!

-Rice-a-Roni?|-Rice-a-Roni.

The San Francisco treat.

Rice-a-Roni.|The San Francisco treat.

-You better get in there.|-Think. Think...

Thank you.

Could you help me|with something?

-Me, help you?|-Don't be difficult.

Alright.

You could have at least|said Pretty Please.

Anyway, my wife and I,|we were dancing...

we had a good time|over there at Clover.

I know you've heard of Clover,|it's a great restaurant.

But not well known|for their rice pilaf.

-Thank God!|-Sorry I'm late.

I had an emergency.|With my son.

I thought your son|was in Africa?

You want to visit?|I could arrange it.

Rice-A-Roni...

the San Francisco Treat.

It's catchy.|And it's worked for you.

Probably still does.

But why alienate|the whole country?

So here's what|I'm thinking...

Rice-A-Roni,|the New York treat.

Right there.

The Chicago treat.

The Kenosha treat!

What are you getting at?

Rice-A-Roni has been enjoyed|by Americans from the Mid-West...

to the Rocky Mountains.

And what America really|needs right now...

is a treat.

So your new slogan...

'Rice-A-Roni,|the American treat!'

God bless America!

That's it?|That's your pitch?

Do you have|any creative ideas?

It's Katya Livingston, of|course she has creative ideas.

We're going to run a few more|things up the flag pole.

Why don't you parade out some of the|other great, marvellous ideas.

The ideas that I have,|because I have tons...

There's something I'd like to|present, if I could, please.

It's not what we scheduled.

Well get on with it.|Go.

We're just warming you up.

Rice. It's gotten|a bad rap as of lately.

Lumped together with it's evil|stepsisters bread and pasta...

rice is considered to be|just another carbohydrate.

A grain pushed aside|in our quest to be thin.

But wait.|There's good news, folks!

Rice is not as bad as its|carbohydrate relatives.

Your product, simply|distinguished from its relatives...

a lower carb alternative!

'Rice-A-Roni,|the nice rice!'

The nice rice?

The nice rice.

We love it!

It's the first campaign|one that I haven't nailed.

Nailed? Honey, you didn't even|have the hammer in your hand.

You tanked it.

I'm sorry.|I don't know what happened.

Let me see|if I can illuminate you.

While he was busy working|his ass off...

you were at|the beauty parlor.

Or you were making 300 dollars|a month worth of phone calls...

to the California State|Correctional institute...

speaking to God knows who.

Or you were taking a smoking|break and you don't even smoke!

Yes. It's him.

Thank you.

As if this day|could get any worse...

Cuddles was murdered.

Poisoned.|Just like the goldfish.

Some idiot gave|that poor iguana prunes.

-Prunes?|-Yes prunes.

Who'd be stupid enough|to do something like that?

Wait, Katya, didn't Eliza|give you prunes the other day?

I only eat soup.

Campbell's select,|of course.

Did you have something|to do with this?

Come on Lyle,|you know me.

I'm a humanitarian.|I mean I love animals.

Katya,|I don't know you anymore.

The Katya that I know went|to Stanford University.

But when I called there and|checked with the Alumni office...

do you know|what they told me?

They said Katya Livingston|never even attended the school.

You were checking up on me?

I encouraged him to call.

Katya, you're fired.

But I'm Katya Livingston.

And you're not going to talk|your way out of it.

I am the best|in the business.

I sold shampoo to the bald...

sneakers to amputees...

and contact lenses|to the blind.

I am the Katya Livingston.

Who is still fired.|Now go clean out your desk.

I'm going to have Security|escort you out of the building.

Fine!

But without me,|Liquid will evaporate.

Sabelo. Mommy will|take good care of you.

That was Security.

They're on their way up|to escort you out.

I won't even have time|to mail these.

That's okay.|I'll do it for you.

You hate me.

Maybe a little.

But now that you're fired,|you're not so bad.

Can I just have a minute,|please? I bruise easily.

I'll get them to send|your stuff to your house.

Thanks.

Why don't you just keep this?|I never put anything in it anyway.

-Thanks.|-That's okay.

Do you guys work everywhere?

In reaction to losing|six figure job...

I decided that life|was too short...

and celebrated birthday|early.

But since only one unemployed,|had to celebrate alone.

Loneliness led to utter boredom,|which can be very costly...

Richard Tyler gown:|Three grand.

Bejewelled Jimmy Choos:|one thousand five hundred.

,Have successfully bought couture|to party I'm still not invited to.

Getting in touch with|inner child: $22.50.

Due to lack of job and|aforementioned shopping spree...

can't afford to pay rent.

Thank God I'm subletting and|name's not on the lease.

Must do something to pull|self out of doom and gloom.

You in the middle?

Katya.|How'd you get in here?

I bribed the receptionist.

How resourceful of you.

I see you got my balloons.

I assumed you were|angry at me...

because I didn't want|to go out with you...

because I needed to go out|with the other you...

in order to nab|the ticket to the ball.

I don't have time for this.

And honestly, you|don't have to explain.

I don't have to explain?

Of course I don't.|You tricked me.

Tricked you? I was just having|a little harmless fun...

and when I go to come clean,|you completely cut me off.

Like you didn't have the entire|night to tell me who you were.

You set me up for this.

Please, but you know what? I'm|glad I didn't come clean.

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