Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber Page #7

Because then I got|to know the real you.

And the you that|I went to the park with...

is not the you who'd use someone to|gain entry into a ridiculous party.

But if you want the invitation|so badly, fine.

There you go.

Wrong you.

Regret not grabbing ticket|when had the chance.

Almost led to something|more regrettable...

a mall makeover.

Trench coat and fedora to obtain|unemployment check incognito:

two hundred twenty dollars.

Silver lining to stormy|cloud: winning NEA grant.

Now can afford to pay debts.

,However, still have no boyfriend and|no way to get to the royal ball.

Finally understand cliche,|'money can't buy happiness. '

Stay tuned while we go live to|the socialite event of the year...

and Melissa Rivers.

At the Covington Castle|with everybody who's anybody...

is there right now with|Melissa. Melissa?

Watch out San Francisco!

The night you've all been|waiting for is here.

The night of the Royal Ball,|and we are live...

Yes live|at Covington Castle.

Everybody's arriving early, there|goes the Sultan of Brunai and one...

two, three, four, five...

all five of the favorite|women from his harem.

I don't think they've all|been ever photographed together.

This is a tremendous event.|Don't go away, we're...

Katya? Baby?

What are you doing up there?|We're coming up.

Get out!

Put down the Vicodin down|right now!

I wish. But you used it|all for your damn surgeries.

Plastic surgery kind|of hurts, sweetie.

What are you two doing here?

We're here to help|get you into the ball.

Forget it.|I give up.

Are you serious?|Are you kidding me?

Are you going to let those two ugly|sisters keep you out of the ball?

I wouldn't serve those wretches|tap water out of a dirty glass.

They're nothing|compared to you.

They're not?

What happened|to the Katya Livingston...

who can talk a mad queen out of drowning|himself in a moment's notice?

I don't know.

Where's the Katya Livingston|who introduced me...

-to my first net worth individual.|-I don't know.

Katya Livingston, you have to|fight for what is yours, baby.

And that means your job|that Scandinavian love god...

and your social status!

Now get out of bed right now|and get ready.

I love those.|Those are cute.

You're right!|You're right!

There hasn't been a guest|list or velvet rope...

or moat that's ever kept me out!|I belong in a castle.

We are live at Covington Castle|from the Royal Ball.

And I'm here with Nob Hill|socialite Frangipani Lee!

Who you best know as ex-wife of hedge|fund billionaire Lane Foreman...

ex-wife of of music producer|Randall Jones...

Come on, it's this way.|Don't push me.

Hurry.

I could walk through the front door.|I don't even have to go this way.

Ex-wife of media mogul|David Bowler.

Of course most recently, ex-wife of|sausage heir James Lawndale III.

-It's so good to see you.|-It's good to see you.

You know what? I don't like|water, and I don't like...

sludge... look at all|this green stuff.

If you helped me out we'd|probably get there a lot quicker.

And ruin my manicure?

My hair is already frizzing. At|least let my nails look good.

I know you want to|look good at the party...

and I don't want to die|on the way there.

-Where are we going?|-I don't know.

-This dress is amazing.|-Janine Isrial Couture.

Now are you excited|to get inside?

Is there anyone special that|you're looking forward to seeing?

I'm very excited.

Well wonderful to see you.|Thank you so much for stopping.

Have a great time inside.

We'll be back with more live|from Covington Castle.

Don't go away.

Can someone tell me if there's|anyone on the guest list...

she hasn't slept with or is planning|on marrying and divorcing?

You wait here and I'll meet|you over at the wall.

Alright, come on, baby.

Come on, let's go. I don't want|to hold this thing further.

Thank God I went|with a spike heel.

I guess you really|are a social climber.

It takes one|to know one, sister.

You better hurry, my wrists are|getting limper by the moment.

-You wouldn't.|-I might.

Alright, are you ready|to go in there?

-Am I ready?|-You're fabulous.

-Am I ready?|-You're fabulous.

Now get in there and|do your thing. Come on.

That would have been|quite an entrance...

Who do you think you are,|Bjork?

-Thank you.|-You're welcome.

I need a drink.

Teddy, darling...

since when did you start|doing catered events?

Let me guess...since you caught|pneumonia at Rain Storm?

Close. Whooping cough.

That's too bad. Now can we have|a round of Knight-tinis.

I'll pretend to slip|you a twenty.

Well thanks, Katya.

It's a party.|The drinks are free.

Then, let's party.

Thank you.

I don't care if it is Chanel. Winter|white in July is unacceptable!

At least it distracts|you from the face.

What about her?

Polka dots, black socks,|t-shirt.

It's Eliza...

Katya. You remember Steve?|The guy I puked on?

Ladies, look|who I just ran into.

I really don't need|this right now.

I'm not stalking you anymore.

After that night at your place,|they threw me in jail.

I did a lot of thinking and|realized you're not my type.

I am!

Fabulous! Fergie|finally found his love!

To love!

My god!|Someone do something!

You broke|the Curse of Namambo!

Katya Livingston?

What the hell|are you doing here?

Dove, you look fabulous.

It's the biggest party of the season.|You didn't think I'd miss out?

Cut the crap, Katya.|How did you get in?

I climbed.

What kind of a person would|go to goes to such lengths?

An ambitious one.

Try a sociopath!

For years, you've sunk|to the lowest depths...

to claw your way|to the middle.

You lied. You stole.|You cheated.

In fact you would do just|about anything to get ahead.

But I've got news for you.

You didn't spend thirteen|years at Chapin...

and you never dated|a Vanderbilt.

So, no matter what you do...

you're never going|to belong!

I'm not going to belong?

I'm not going to belong? You're as|phony as your ski slope nose job!

And if you could date|a Vanderbilt...

then why don't you stop slumming|it with extras from the O.C.?

Let's face it, Dove.

You have always been jealous that|my b*obs are bigger than yours.

You'll never inspire|a designer...

and you will never have front|row seats at a fashion show.

Katya Livingston,|you're a fake and a fraud.

And after tonight,|everyone's going to know.

-You want a piece of me?|-Do you want a piece of me?

Hold my gold.

I didn't know|you were into that.

Okay everybody,|the show's over!

Should we help her?

If we do, we'll be|social road kill.

Let's wait|until the crowd thins.

I said party, goddamnit!

Ladies and gentlemen, can|I have your attention please?

On behalf of|Youth Aid International...

I would like to present|a short video...

to remind us all|why we are here tonight.

Over the years,|Youth Aid International...

has been connecting|Third World children...

to generous adults|like yourselves...

in our immensely successful|adoption program.

We'd like to thank|Youth Aid International...

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