Confessions Of An American Bride Page #6

to all get together.

I think having a solid blueprint

for a ceremony...

...will help us all sleep better at night.

It's gonna take more than that

in my case, Reverend.

Since the heart of our ceremony

is the exchange of vows...

...and in the Jewish ceremony,

it's the exchange of rings...

...things should, theoretically,

dovetail nicely.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Look, let's get down

to brass tacks, okay?

First, the couple. Any special requests?

Sam?

The ceremony.

Just make it nice.

Nice you want, nice you'll get.

Okay, Reverend, here's my first offer.

I didn't think we'd be quite so formal

with our proposals.

What'd you think, we're gonna wing it?

Take a gander.

I couldn't concentrate.

I mean, here I was with a minister

and a rabbi.

Could I have felt more guilty?

I notice that in many of your prayers,

they're both in Hebrew and English.

- Yeah, that's the norm.

- Well, it doesn't seem quite fair.

You see, in effect,

you'll be speaking twice as long.

I'm repeating myself.

I'm not saying anything more than you are.

- But it will take more time.

- Fine, okay.

I'll talk in English and Hebrew.

You can talk in English and Aramaic.

But I don't speak Aramaic. No one does.

It's a dead language.

It's not my problem.

And just as a holy war

seemed about to erupt...

... something happened

to make me feel even worse.

Don't worry. We'll get through this.

I promise.

Carbs were not the answer.

Was I working out the stress?

Sure, there was that.

But I also had something

far more worrisome coming up:

My dress fitting.

Honey, while she does that,

I think I'll take another look around.

- Great. Thanks, Mom.

- You're welcome, dear.

I have to tell you something.

It's important, and you can't tell anyone.

And that includes you.

- I kissed Luke.

- You slut.

I should've seen this coming.

- Did you sleep with him?

- Who's Luke?

Look, it was just a kiss,

and I stopped it.

Okay, so you're not interested

in him, then.

- Sam?

- No, I'm not.

The wedding's still on,

not just because I bought a dress.

Nonrefundable, by the way. Turn.

- Wait, wait, wait. So have you told Ben?

- I said, the wedding's still on, didn't I?

You're gonna tell him, right?

Naive, sweet Anne.

Deception is the cornerstone

of every relationship.

Otherwise it's just aprons, meat loaf,

and, "How was your day, honey?"

So having a life means opening up

a kissing booth in the conference room?

I'm leaning towards

honesty-is-the-best-policy route.

- Leaning?

- Do you love him?

- Which one?

- Ben.

Yes, of course. Absolutely. No question.

You realize the more you say that,

the less sure you sound?

I love Ben.

Of course you do, dear,

you're marrying him. What?

Come on, Mom,

will you help me into my dress?

The time had come

to present our ideas to Stone...

... which meant two things:

My career was on the line,

and I would have to see Luke again.

Luke, hi.

So I was just setting everything up for...

Maybe we need to...

- You want some coffee?

- No.

- Look, Sam, nothing happened.

- Luke...

I'm the one who should

feel embarrassed.

I mean, I made the mistake.

Not you. Me.

Why did he have to be so damn perfect?

Kristin, honey. Hi.

Where's Sam?

I only have an hour for lunch.

She's pitching the boss.

If it's this long, it must be a good sign.

Not for my blood sugar.

That's Luke? Damn.

So?

He loved it.

It's going to corporate, and if they love it,

it's on to production.

Awesome.

Sam, thanks for making me

look good in there.

You don't need her for that.

I just hope corporate likes it.

- They will. Call me when you hear.

- Right.

Look at that ass.

Kristin, I work with him.

I can't help it.

Those buns are eye magnets.

I ran home to channel my urges

in an appropriate direction.

Sam, what are you...?

This is so three months ago.

Do you wanna complain,

or do you wanna give it to me?

Oh, Sam.

Oh, Luke.

Luke?

Luke? You said, "Luke. "

- Did I?

- Yeah, you did.

No, it was probably just a sound...

...like a moan.

Sounded like a name: Luke.

Ben...

...I really don't know

what I'm saying when...

You know, I kind of lose control.

Freudian alert.

Notice how I had yet to mention

the name of my coworker to Ben.

This was clearly my chance

to come clean, but...

I was probably just saying "look"...

...as in, "Look out, here I come. "

I decided to distract him instead.

Cheap, I know,

but sometimes a girl's gotta use sex.

The only thing harder

than telling your fianc the truth...

... was designing a cereal box.

Corporate hated our mock-ups,

Stone was hating me...

... which meant I was working

under intense pressure, with Luke.

Yeah, this would be easy.

What if we combine the color scheme

from this one...

...with the typeface here

and the photo there?

- What do you think?

- I like that.

- Yeah?

- Sam, your 1:
00 is here.

I completely forgot.

Thanks.

What?

Our wedding photographer

double-booked and canceled...

...and our backup

can only meet me today at 1.

If I don't meet her now, she's gone.

Well, let's go meet a photographer,

shall we?

- I love your candids.

- Thanks.

It's my specialty.

I started in journalism,

but realized pretty quick...

...I didn't wanna photograph

life's tragedies.

You know, this is so much more rewarding.

- You've got a great eye.

- Thank you.

I couldn't resist.

I told you, candids are my thing.

Here, take a look.

How cute are you two?

If only I were the fianc.

Sorry.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- What, what, what?

- Your feet are cold.

Sorry.

- Sorry. My hair. You hurt me.

- Okay?

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Sorry.

You okay?

Maybe we shouldn't, you know?

I'm kind of beat.

Yeah, I'm tired too.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Good night, Sammy.

Wait. We should be in the same bed.

That's okay. We're no longer attracted

to each other anyway.

What?

We need help.

Okay, kids, what's the problem?

Well, I guess we've kind of been

fighting a lot.

- What have you been fighting about?

- What haven't we been fighting about?

Yeah, you name it. Flowers, cake,

where to put the couch...

...whether to take dance lessons

we don't need.

Don't forget the missed

appointment arguments.

Hey, you said that was fine.

Read between the lines, Ben,

it's my wedding. That was so not fine.

Oh, your wedding, see?

It's always about you.

Okay, enough. And don't make me

blow the shofar again.

I coach the temple softball team.

Let's try not to look at the specifics...

...and instead, seek out

what the broader problem is.

I don't think there's a broader problem.

I mean, these are just stupid little things.

Meaning you shouldn't have trouble

getting past them.

What happens when you have

to deal with an issue like children?

- We couldn't agree on that either.

- Oh, like we even had a discussion.

I just need more time, okay?

We'll get to it.

- Really? For when, after the playoffs?

- Okay, what does that mean?

It means you care more about

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