Confetti Page #3

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- It offers so much designwise.

It's East meets West, there's

a fantastic opportunity for food there,

you know I can...

I can get hold of elephants.

I'm thinking Singin' in the Rain,

I can just see it.

We can have the rain from the Wimbledon

falling all over the MGM and we'd just be...

Or On the Town. Oh, please, On the Town.

- I hate On the Town.

- How can you hate On the Town?

It's that woman in the cab.

She drives me mad.

Oh, she's wonderful.

So, folks. El maestro.

- This is Paul. Sam.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- Hi, Matt.

- Nice to see you.

Oh, how are you?

Paul has been working with us

on some ideas for your wedding,

- which we'd like to show you.

- This is nice, isn't it?

So we've put some stools out.

We've kind of... It's like a little show.

- If you could take the stools, we're going to...

- What, now?

- Right now.

- Take a pew.

And we want to show you what we've come

up with as potential vows for your wedding.

Shall I take my coat off?

- That is really amazing.

- Exciting, isn't it?

- That is... That's amazing.

- Do you like that?

Yeah. I love it, and it's a bit like ours.

- Show us.

- Ours isn't as good...

I'm sure it is,

we just cobbled that together.

I'm sure we can get some sort

of middle ground between the two.

You're both singing in different keys.

- Yep.

- Yeah, that's...

- Is that how?

...harmony.

We know now we can't be here, but if

we get married there, it has to be clothed.

- I don't...

- For me, it has to be clothed.

- But for me, it does have to be.

- You want it to be?

Well, I'm happy as a naturist with you,

and with naturists.

But I'm not happy being undressed

in front of clothed people.

It's been your life forever,

and I'm new to it still.

You won't give them nightmares.

You look beautiful.

- It's not... They'll laugh. Someone will laugh.

- They won't laugh.

I'm not prepared to feel shame

and feel humiliation on our wedding day.

It's completely their problem though.

I think it's your mum that does this.

Think about your mum now.

Picture your mum.

Do you want to get dressed?

Yes. See? There we go. It's her.

She's so... clothed.

I'm like Eno on speed.

It's just like you take the whole thing...

- Speedo.

- Speedo.

This is what we're like, innit?

This is what we used to be like.

- Well, we still are, it's all right.

- Yeah.

We can do Wizard of Oz. Right?

Well, Wizard of Oz is a musical, OK, all right?

- Do you mean at the wedding?

- Yes. You've got the bass, the Cowardly Lion.

The Tin Man on drums.

You've got Dorothy on guitar.

- You've got the, um, second guitar can be...

- Toto.

Toto, yes.

I could be the monkey with the wings.

I just think you're taking the mickey.

I don't think you're taking it seriously.

- Flaming Lips do it.

- It's not a joke.

It's not a joke, Snoopy, it's our wedding.

Flaming Lips do it. Have you heard...

I can speak to her.

You don't really need to speak to her.

I'll have to calm this one down,

she thinks you're taking the piss.

No, mate, it's just the monkey tipped it over.

- Soon as I said the monkey with the wings...

- I don't know if it was the monkey.

I saw her face, it dropped.

If you don't want a monkey, don't have it.

It wasn't an integral part.

I could be a wicked witch.

- I am anxious.

- We both are. Today is a big day,

we've got the wedding planners coming in,

and those... lovely fellas

hopefully will have come up

with something exciting,

because we've not heard much.

No, not much.

And we gave them a lot of information.

- We're hoping they'll come back...

- With something concrete.

- Sorry we're so late.

- That's OK, let's start. Let's waste no time.

Look, shall we just show you?

We've got it in our heads.

- Opening of your ceremony.

- Brilliant.

- Where do you want us?

- If you just go over there.

- Imagine you're the congregation and we're...

- Right.

And we're sort of looking that way.

- What?

- Let's give them a chance. You never know.

The parade of the ball boys.

On they come!

Go!

Go!

Oof!

And then,

from the back come your gigantic balls.

- All the way down, on the tramlines, hm?

- Right.

And then you perform your vows.

Then you're married.

And that's the start. What do you think?

That's not... We need

to speak to someone professional.

I mean, you move beautifully, both of you,

but we need someone who knows

what they're doing. Properly.

- Well...

- With, um, ball boys and ball girls, don't we?

- Yeah.

- So a choreographer.

We think that the choreographer, really,

should be the remit

of the MGM wedding couple.

We can't have the choreographer

cos they've got one?

Well, because their dance

is sort of key, central to their...

- It's central to ours.

- I've worked a lot on it.

Right before you guys came in,

I was working on the moves.

- She does dancing.

- I saw that. I thought you'd injured yourself.

Yeah, whatever, whatever. We need a...

We asked for...

Ahem!

- The problem...

- Oh, for f***'s sake, it's Jesus.

Can you get rid of him? Get rid of him.

Um...

I have to explain something.

We must win this competition.

There's no question of if, but or maybe,

we have to win it.

We are in severe financial...

What are you doing?

- I invited him along.

- Can you go away?

- No, I invited him here.

- I want him to go.

- I want him to stay!

- I want him to go!

Listen, speak nice to her.

She's going to be your wife...

No, can you go?

- What's it like being short? Do you like it?

- Josef, stop being rude all the time!

What's the weather like down there?

What's the Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?

- Josef, stop it.

- You have to say "I love you" to her. Not...

I'm sorry? What do you have to say to her?

- Don't touch me.

- I'm not touching you.

- Stop it!

- I'm not touching you.

- Stop it!

- Josef!

No, no!

No, no, no!

Now, listen! Listen, please, please.

- Please, please, please listen. Please.

- Get off me...

Please, now listen to me.

You do not have an education from a boy's

boarding school in the north of England

and be the only gay boy,

and not know how to handle yourself.

So if you move again, I'm going

to break your arm. Do you understand?

He doesn't deserve you.

He'll be fine.

He just... he just needs to run it off.

- Sorry.

- That's fine. It's fine. So, from the top.

I think we should just...

No!

No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You stop it, you stop it!

And you stop it, just stop it!

It's ridiculous! It's just stupid!

I come here for this?

I was appalled by that, and shocked.

It was... It was terrifying.

It was a terrifying experience.

It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.

It's just not what we're used to.

It's not the world we work in, really.

But, you know, we showed them a few things,

and we'll come back and show them more.

You showed them some things.

You stood up for me,

and you stood up for yourself.

It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.

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