Confetti Page #5

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Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying, er...

You're saying it's nomothetic?

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

- It makes me sick.

- Our relationship makes you sick?

- No, no.

- Well, Snoopy,

if you sing that song at our wedding,

that's what it sounds like.

I'm not. I'm saying everyone else's

relationship's normal, nomothetic. This is...

- There is no nomothetic!

- What does pedantic mean? That's the...

Snoopy, that's an interesting question,

but it's not the time to work it out here.

- Snoopy can do the lyrics...

- We're going to have...

Snoopy has a vital part to play in this

wedding, there's no doubt about that.

He is Matt's best friend and he's

musically talented, and he's going to be there.

But this will be their dream wedding,

and I am prepared to kill or maim

for them to have that wedding.

Do you understand me?

- Out you come, my honey.

- Bless, look at that.

Oh, she's looking a bit ragged, actually.

She didn't quite make the journey.

Now, which way are we round? We're all

moving around now, it's like Dunsinane.

I like the idea.

Kind of Midsummer Night's Dream.

That kind of thing. Fairies,

Midsummer Night's Dream. They arrive...

- Where's the couple?

- There.

I think they're hiding. They're hiding.

- Well, they're not going to be naked.

- Well, this is the problem.

It's tricky convincing them.

I'm not interested in convincing them.

This is what we need for our front cover.

- We can't have nude people.

- Vivien.

They're not going to be on the front cover

cos they're not gonna win.

- I think we all know that.

- Well, they may do.

Well, they may not.

Don't write them off

cos they've got no clothes on.

What about having a little bush,

if you'll pardon the language,

a bush area that covers the...

- Well, we had thought...

- A bush? How elegant is that going to be?

Well, if it's... If the topiary is done properly,

I think it could be rather lovely.

- Well, they're wearing...

- I gave you an agenda. Agenda is: no nudes.

To begin with, the dance is very formal.

Then, more country.

Suddenly, bright lights.

What's that rumble?

The rumble of something. What?

What it is is the arrival of your camper van.

And inside, you...

are the queen of the fairies.

Me, Oberon-like, as the king of the fairies,

emerge from the camper van.

The green man guides them, comforts them.

And he is, of course,

our green man/registrar.

And you're married.

Well, I just think that completely sucks.

I mean, that whole thing is rubbish.

I mean, this is our wedding.

We can't be prancing around like berks.

We have a little problem here

that I think we ought to share with you.

That is that our brief, if you like,

is that your naturist wedding

must not be naked.

And that's come right from the top.

I really have to apologize.

I chose these people.

And it was after lunch, they were the best of

a bad lot, I'd had a couple of glasses of wine,

- and I think I've made an error of judgment.

- All right.

OK, we just need

to deal with it now, yeah? OK.

- We just need to get them in a dress.

- We do. We absolutely do.

- Lovely to see you.

- Come on in.

This gentleman is James Thursk.

He's our lawyer.

And he sorts things out. I believe

we've got some sorting out to do today.

Yeah. Well, er, we've been talking,

and the problem is that we were asked

for an idea for an original wedding,

and our idea was a naturist wedding,

and we found out recently that this is going

to be a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.

Mr. Thursk.

You can't really expect anyone to put naked

people on the cover of a magazine if they win.

- I'm talking about our wedding.

- Don't put us on the cover.

And as naturists, we know that you can't be

a bit naked. You're either naked or you're not.

You're not naked now,

you seem comfortable enough.

Is that some kind of challenge?

All right, fine.

- I don't think...

- Michael.

I hardly think it's appropriate...

- This isn't going to help.

- You're naked or you're not.

Stop it there, please.

We're trying to have a civilized discussion.

I'm having a civilized discussion.

I can still have a civilized

discussion whether I'm dressed or not.

He's becoming impossible to live with.

I'm going to stay here

until we write a new contract

that says that we can have the wedding

that you said that we can have.

I've got to tell you now,

that's just not going to happen.

We cannot put out a magazine with people

in it naked. I'm sorry, we simply cannot do it.

- OK. Well, uh...

- That is the end of it.

- Yeah, I guess that is the end of it.

- What we do after that, Mr. Collier...

Joanna, maybe if you just

wore a wedding dress...

I'm not even sure that I want to get married.

This is not what I dreamt of

since I was a little girl.

It is not becoming

what I wanted for a wedding.

He sleeps in the kitchen at the moment.

What if you dressed yourself up

to allure him?

Maybe you've just been naked too much.

Maybe you've become immune to each other.

Being so naked the whole time,

you've got used to your bodies.

There's no sort of magic. James?

Yes. There's something

very romantic about a wedding dress.

Well, if I can just start by simply explaining

why we're here and what it's all about.

We're here today to talk about

what it means to actually be getting married.

There's not really much to talk about.

I mean, you know, I felt that what we were

going to do was have a naturist wedding,

and that would involve people

acting like naturists, aka being naked.

- It's AKA, not aka.

- And...

Apparently not everybody feels the same way.

Including the person I was hoping to marry.

I have expressed a... Not just a

made-up problem, but a real issue with me,

is that being naked in front

of non-naturists is not as easy.

I keep saying,

nobody's going to laugh.

Your body is the most eloquent expression

of how beautiful you are.

Get it into your thick head

how much I respect you.

If we take "thick" out for the moment,

there were some very nice words there.

- Right.

- We can pop one out and put another one in.

- Let's take "thick" out then.

- Let's take "thick" out. Good. Good.

Could you, could you... Are you ready

to shuffle up a bit yet on the settee?

Well done. Lovely. OK.

The wedding planners

are not giving us the same service.

They get a choreographer.

We're not allowed a choreographer.

- Next.

- Next point.

Well, she had a makeover at the wedding fair

before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle one.

- You did make a fuss.

- They're getting resources that we are not.

- They're getting... Is it rigged?

- Oh, please! Is it rigged? I mean...

- Just tell us, because we...

- Absolutely not.

Well, it doesn't seem like that

from where we're sitting.

I'm the chair of the judging panel,

I've got the casting vote. It will not be fixed.

- You have the casting vote?

- Yes.

So what are you, uh, what do you w...

What are you looking for?

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