Confetti Page #8

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"Well, I haven't seen this before." That's not...

Regardless of whether you like it or not.

If you hate it, step back and say,

"Original, but I didn't like it."

Just popped by to say, on behalf of Confetti

magazine, the best of British. All right?

- Thanks.

- And I think you've got a very strong chance.

- Thank you. That's very nice.

- Smashing.

lf, erm... Yes, if you keep your clothes on.

See you later.

What I'm about to say now

is not meant as a criticism, I swear to you.

But you know you're sort of

painted brown, some of...

It's just, like, there's a line,

and I don't know if...

If you want to change it...

maybe you didn't notice it.

But I know you're a perfectionist,

I thought you might want to change it.

- Cos you're a perfectionist...

- What do you mean?

- I've fake tanned it, I've just, like, done it...

- I know, but...

Yeah, but you don't get brown palms when

you sunbathe. You don't sunbathe like that.

But not everyone

looks like Biffo the Bear.

Cos I mean, like, there's a sort of brown,

and there's a white...

We have to win. We have to win.

So we will win. We will win. Come on, Josef.

Come on. Do you want to go through it?

Wha...

- What if we lose?

- We're not gonna lose.

- Why? How do we know?

- Because we're winners!

We are winners. We're gonna win this.

They'll kill us out there.

I'm sure you'll all agree with me

when I say marriage is about commitment,

and we at Confetti magazine are committed

to pushing the envelope in weddings.

Today is about new and exciting weddings,

things that you haven't seen before.

I know the couples are backstage now,

I know you can hear me.

Do remember, the work is over now,

everything is prepared.

So just relax, take a breath,

and get ready to enjoy yourselves.

Let's move on to our first wedding,

I think it's taking place over here.

You can probably guess the theme.

Ladies and gentlemen, Confetti gives you:

Josef and Isabelle.

Welcome to Wimbledon

on this absolutely glorious summer's day.

There's a palpable sense of excitement

here amongst this full house.

A real buzz around center court.

This really does promise

to be the most wonderful occasion.

Oh, and here they are! Here they come!

I say!

Aw!

- Who's going to call?

- I will.

Heads.

- I'm sorry, it's tails.

- I'll serve.

Josef Cecil Worrell

has won the toss and elected to serve.

Quiet, please.

Play.

I, Josef Cecil Worrell, know of no legal reason

why I may not be married

to Isabelle Frances Fontaine.

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

know of no legal reason why

I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Worrell.

I, Josef Cecil Worrell,

take you, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

to be my lawfully wedded wife.

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef

Cecil Worrell, to be my lawful legal husband.

Isabelle...

I've never won a tournament,

but I don't care, because I've won you.

I know it's not been possible

to have any friends or family here today,

but that doesn't matter, cos you're here,

and that's all I'll need now and for ever.

Deuce.

Isabelle, I can't promise

I'll never be jealous again,

but I can promise that I'll look after you,

and love you, till the day I die.

Josef Cecil Worrell,

Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

it gives me great pleasure to pronounce...

Well, what a shame.

Covers are going on.

Looks like a passing shower,

so hopefully it'll not...

What's this? Someone's standing up.

It's Cliff Richard! Oh, my goodness.

He's going to sing!

What a privilege to be here.

Game, set, and match.

- You could try a bit harder.

- I am! But this isn't what we wanted to do.

I've had everybody telling us

what we have to do, sticking stuff on us.

I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed.

How do you think I feel?

They've done it to me.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

as if that wasn't a treat enough,

and I think it really was,

we've three weddings to get through,

and I can scarcely believe it,

we're onto our second.

This one's very interesting.

I love it, I love the concept.

I've not seen anything yet, but I love the idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Michael and Joanna.

Oh, Tubs.

I vow to never make you cover up

for shame or fear or duty.

You'll never need to shed your clothes

for me to see your beauty.

I won't ignore our differences,

but let them just connect.

One word for that is compromise,

a better one's respect.

They drove you mad, but do not fear,

for now you have a wife.

Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,

their wedding but our life.

You join the dots between the stars

like a pen of heaven's manna.

You make two houses into one.

You join me up, Joanna.

You're like an angel overhead,

but with me on a cycle.

Come live with me and be my love,

my Gabriel, my Michael.

Ladies and gentlemen,

now that Michael and Joanna

have exchanged head rings

and promised themselves to each other,

the solemn moment has come for

the couple to make their marriage contract.

If you'll please all stand.

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier...

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Michael Gabriel Collier,

do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts,

to be my lawful wedded wife.

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,

do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce

you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

that was Michael and Joanna.

And I think we can all... Well, let's raise

our glasses to them, the happy couple.

Michael and Joanna.

What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Listen, everyone, we're not going

to worry about the steps, or the tune,

we're just going to have fun, all right? None

of us are singers, none of us are dancers.

- Well, I...

- I'm nervous of forgetting that bit.

But do you know what? It doesn't matter.

When we went through it I got it all wrong,

I thought, "I've let you down."

Girls, girls, this is stage fright.

I've seen it a thousand times.

- I don't want to let you down.

- Calm. Deep breaths.

This is going to be fabulous.

We're going to do a wonderful show.

For once in your life, Jen, I think you're right.

I want you to give the warm

reception you gave the others

to our final couple. It is Matt and Sam.

Right! Yeah!

- I love you.

- I love you, too. Right.

How are you two?

Matthew Norris, Samantha Whiston.

Marriage,

according to the law of this country,

is the union of one man and one woman,

voluntarily entered into for life,

to the exclusion of all others.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

Matthew and Samantha

are going to make their marriage vows

through the medium of song.

Once again, thank you so much

for sharing this day with us.

It's been so wonderful for us,

it's been really good of you

to open up your most precious day to

our magazine, Confetti. Thank you so much.

Smile, look like we're winners. They

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