Connie and Carla Page #3

Yeah.

See you tomorrow,

Connie and Carla.

Ooh! They all know

our real names!

Who cares? We're in!

Oh, my God, we're in!

Oh, Carla, we're in!

We're in!

Okay.

Yeah!

You coax the blues

right out of the horn, Mame

You charm the husk

right off of the corn, Mame

Hello?

Tibor, what are you doing?

Are they there, or what?

No, Rudy,

they're not here.

Hey, what about tracing

their license plate?

What about tracing the license plate?

If you'd written it down, you idiot!

You'll be lost

You'll be so, so sorry

When I'm gone

Sleep and I shall soothe you

Calm you and anoint you

Myrrh for your hot forehead

Oh Then you'll feel

everything's all right

Yes, everything's fne

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

and relax

Because everything's fne

You've been great.

You've been real.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You know,

it's hard to meet a guy

in this town,

let alone in Nazareth.

Hey, Carla, I feel sorry

for Mary Magdalene.

Oh, why is that, Connie?

Oh, you know, she fnally decides to

mend her ways, going the straight path,

and she falls for this guy-

33 years old,

still living at home with his mother, who's never

gonna accept a shiksa with a past for a daughter-in-law.

God, I love it. I feel like I

can fnally say what I think.

I know. When we were doing the show in Chicago,

and you would say, you know, dirty stuff,

I could feel the audience going, "Oh,

no. Don't do that. Where's my dessert?"

But now, dressed like a guy-

We can say anything we want.

But with L.A. men, the bulge

in their pants is a cell phone.

All right, that's it. I have

not seen you laugh once tonight.

Can you not see

how fabulous we are?

- I love the show.

- Mary, that is scary.

Your face doesn't move

when you talk.

Oh, Botox.

Cow poison?

Oh, no.

How many of you deaden your

wrinkles with that crap?

Hmm. Four, huh?

Five?

Oh, come on. Be honest!

Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Boys and girls, God put us on this earth to

have a laugh, hence the term "laugh lines. "

That's what it looks like.

Do yourselves a favor, let your

eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle.

Our lines show that we've lived.

If he doesn't love you when you look

like a map, tell him to hit the road.

Hey, good one.

Whatcha got there, Carla?

Well, Connie, I do believe it's time

for South Pacifc sing-along!

There you go.

Get it around your neck.

Come on, people.

Get 'em on. There you go.

They're so much fun. Wish I

had the nerve to sing live.

I wish I had the nerve

to be that good.

We are such idiots.

Don't be mean to us.

Just because

you look fat in white.

I do

- Look at how busy we're getting. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

- No more spandex?

- No, sweetie.

Well, then what, honey?

If you can't lick 'em,

join 'em.

Who's getting licked?

I'm gonna wash that man

right outta my hair

And send him on his way

I'm gonna wave that man

right outta my arms

And send him on his way

We are geniuses.

Do you know

where the scissors are?

I think they're in the kitchen

in the third drawer.

Okay.

I spy your little eye.

It's the bartender

from downstairs. Hello?

Gimme that.

I can hear you.

Put that on. Put it on. What's

going on in there? You can't say hi?

The guacamole.

I can't hear them.

Should we go?

How you doing?

What's going on?

Welcome wagon.

We live on the top floor. Hi.

Hey.

Oh.

Dear, girlfriends

need a decorator.

- Hi. I'm Paul.

- I'm Brian. My stage name's Patty Melt.

By day, I'm Robert.

And this is my roommate, Lee.

By night, we're a duo act-

Peaches 'N' Cream.

- I hate our name.

- I think it's beautiful.

That's because you're the

Peaches part. I'm 'N' Cream.

My name is 'N' Cream.

What does it even mean?

- That's really nice.

- Fabulous.

Come. Come. Come on.

Join us.

All queens rise.

O blessed

St. Mary of Drag Queens,

please grant

your never humble servants...

and our new friends with

grace,jewels and support hose.

- Gay-men.

- Gay-men.

And bless me

with a new name.

Hello. I don't even

have a drag name.

Why not?

Yeah, what's up with that?

Well, I'm new,

so I can't name myself.

You want 'N' Cream?

No, thanks.

Rosemary Chicken.

Mary, Queen of Shots?

Mm-mm.

Este Lauder Harder Faster?

- What?

- Ooh, can I borrow this?

- Hey, hey, what time is it?

- Five-ish.

Uh, the show.

We have to shave... everything.

- You're so lucky to be paid to perform.

- Sorry? What was that?

- What?

- Perform.

Look. There are very few

paying drag gigs in this town.

And I have to bartend at The Handlebar,

and frankly, it's beneath me.

So, here it is.

Have you ever thought about adding

a few fabulous friends to your show?

If you need some great new choreography,

I know some fabulous new dance steps.

I'm great with wigs. I can

sew a dress in three hours.

I'll lend you my jewels.

Call us.

We could use the buck.

We'll give it some thought.

Yea! Bye.

Great! Excellent.

Come on,you guys. Let's go clean

our apartment. For your brother.

You invited him over?

Are you drunk?

A little. You know, Robert

left home when he was just 16.

Brian. Well, I'm glad I

don't have a straight brother.

Now, now, we mustn't be prejudice.

Straights are people too.

Come on.

Look at all the people, Carla.

Don't tell me not to live

just sit and putter

Life's candy and the sun's

a ball of butter

Don't bring around a cloud

to rain on my parade

Don't tell me not to fly

I've simply got to

If someone takes a spill

it's me and not you

Who told you you're allowed

to rain on my parade

I'm gonna live and live now

Get what I want

I know how

One roll for the whole shebang

One throw that bell

will go clang

Eye on the target and wham

One shot, one gunshot, and bam

Hey, Mr. Arnstein

Here I am

I'll march my band out

I'll beat my drum

And if I'm fanned out

Your turn at bat, sir

at least I didn't fake it

Hat, sir

I guess I didn't make it

Get ready for me, love

'cause I'm a comer

I simply gotta march

my heart's a drummer

Nobody, no, nobody

Is gonna rain on my

Parade

Oh, shush.

Oh, all right.

Enough already.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

- That looks great.

- Glamorizing our new look a bit.

I mean, you know, under the

lights, these could be great.

Especially on turns.

Whoo!

- These could be dangerous.

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Aw.

- What? - It's just- It's

great to see you happy.

Come on, admit it.

You do love the show.

Yeah, it's a drag.

Pun intended.

Hey, my plan worked.

Yeah. I'm kinda worried about

how well-known we're getting.

- Only in West Hollywood.

- But I miss-

- Don't say Mikey.

- Boys. I miss boys who like to kiss girls.

Forget it, okay. Because we have no time

for losers, and we can't blow our cover.

Are you there?

Oh, I lost you.

Oh, now I hear you.

Oh, now I lost you.

- Robert,you all right?

- Oh,yeah, sure.

I'm just going to meet my brother

for the frst time in 106 years.

Did you have a fght?

No.

Look.

I haven't had any contact

with my family in a long time.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote