Connie and Carla Page #4

My choice.

Six months ago, I get a little sentimental watching TV

- Hallmark commercials.

So I send my grandma

a birthday card,

with my return

address label on it.

So then my brother

starts coming around.

Starts leaving me messages,

"Hey, let's be brothers again. "

You don't want a brother?

He's just gonna hate me.

No, he won't.

Does he know

you dress with style?

Yeah, I told him on the phone.

I fgured I'd go without the ball

gown, just to ease him into things.

Let me see.

There you go.

Blue's your best color.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, this was a mistake.

You coax the blues

right out of the horn, Mame

You charm the husk right off

of the corn, Mame Hello, Rudy.

It's Tibor.

What do you got?

I'm in St. Louis.

They're not here.

Hey, I'm down a kilo and I'm

up two witnesses. Find them!

Since you brought Dixie

back to Dixieland

You make the cotton

easy to pick

- Oh, for God's sake, what?

- What?

What are you doing? Following

me? Watching every move I make?

I'm not watching you. I

- I just thought it'd be fun to hang out.

Why?

Why not?

Grow up.

You grow up.

You grow up.

Make me.

Well, at least do

some shopping yourself.

Please?

- Mom likes irises too.

- Save it for Dr. Phil.

- Okay.

- Hi, Mrs. Phillips.

Hi, Mrs. Phillips.

Hello.

Robert, I thought it'd be nice

to spend a beautiful Saturday-

Jeff, why the sudden interest

in me after all this time?

Well, for a long time,

I couldn't fnd you, remember?

And, uh, I think I'm gonna

marry someone.

And if that's gonna happen,

I want you to be there.

Oh.

Come on.

I need cheese.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh. That's my girlfriend.

Oh, no, take it.

I'll see if they're home.

Bonjour, mes flles.

C'est moi. Hello?

Sorry, sorry.

Ouvrir la porte.

Here's your hair. No, no,

I got it. Take it with you.

Get a robe. Get a robe.

That's yours.

I hear running.

How you doing?

What's going on?

Wow. Good look.

Whoa. So, uh, how's it

going with your brother?

Jeff.

I'll call you later.

Jeff, these are my girlfriends,

the Connie and Carla.

Hi,Jeff. Welcome to the dollhouse.

Want me to condition your hair?

No, I-I ran a cream rinse through

it this morning, so I'm good.

So, I'll take a rain check.

Uh, you all work

at The Handlebar too?

Oh, yeah,

we all work there.

Work? Jeff, these broads have transformed

that dive into a legit cabaret.

- I wish I was in that show. Hint.

- All right.

Hint.

We heard you.

Hint.

Back off.

All right, get outta my way. Get

outta my way. Let's get outta here.

Oh! Hello. Hi, I'm Brian.

This is Paul and Lee.

I'm Robert's best "briend. "

His what?

Best friend. He's also my

roommate. Come see my apartment.

No, ours. Down, girls,

down. Down, down, down.

Are you hungry?

Do you like fsh sticks?

I'll make them Filipino style.

They taste just like chicken.

Oh, my God.

I like him.

I saw him before

when we were still girls.

He was standing out front.

We had this moment, Carla.

- He was nice to me.

- What are you talking about?

Right. Why would he ever

be attracted to me?

I'm a drag queen.

- No, you can't blow our cover for some guy.

- Oh, yeah, I know.

I know.

I know.

Thanks.

Have a good show tonight.

Stanley, we want to add

some friends to the act.

You've gotta get a food license

and expand this place.

Here's my plan:
We're adding more

leg, you gotta add some legroom.

- Uh, what would that cost?

- I'll add up some fgures. What-

Excuse me.

I'll be backstage.

What are you doing?

What?

This show is our destiny waiting to happen

- dinner theater.

We can't expand the show.

We'll get more well-known,

and then word will travel

straight to those killers.

They're not looking for

a couple of drag queens.

How do you know? They're serious.

They have a lot of connections.

They haven't found us. They're

not connected to this world.

We're safe.

We're drag queens. Whoo!

You're a freak. Yeah, and

you're a freak with me.

You coax the blues

right out of the horn, Mame

No. No. Yes. Rudy, I tell you. You

charm the husk right off of the corn

I have seen almost everything

on Broadway. They're not in it.

I saw Gypsy last night.

They're not there.

I saw Rent,

which was surprising,

to be so poignant

with a narrative,

added to by emotional performances

which bring the audience into the story.

Like

- Intimate story? Intimate story!

I got an intimate story.

I'm gonna kill you if you don't-

Okay, okay, okay.

I have good news.

I got a ticket

to the matinee of Hairspray.

Hello?

Five, six, seven, eight. And the knees

up and hands at your side. Chickapow

Charleston, Charleston

Downstage, do-si-do

Carla! What? He pushed me.

- I am a trained dancer.

- Connie, Carla, move more like this.

- Hide all your masculinity.

- Chickapow!

No one follow me this time.

I'm delicate. All right.

Crystal Decanter.

That's not my name.

- How 'bout Patty, like me? Patty Cake.

- No.

- Patty O'Furniture.

- No.

- Patty Pooper.

- No.

Great. Can we all

please dance now?

What's this? Why do you

wear a bra during the day?

Well, if you must know, being in

drag helps us practice our moves.

Hmm. Good falsies.

What do you use?

None of your beeswax.

Yeah, they're really good.

You should all have a feel.

Supple. Good.

Well, they are good.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Back to work.

Okay then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No way.

Put it back. Uh-uh. No, whoa.

I don't have this kind of money.

Stanley.

Here's my plan. You only

have to do 80% capacity,

and you'll make your money back

within three months.

All you gotta pay out now is the

construction. I got it all under control.

Sir, hi. We've talked about this.

Yeah, the tables have to be this high.

Right? Right. Why?

Stanley, look at me.

I'm eating my surf and turf.

Oh, watching a terrifc show.

Eating, watching. Dinner,

theater. See? Dinner theater.

Where do you think the whole

TV dinner thing came from?

Right, Carla?

Uh, yeah, this high.

Stanley? Come on.

Stanley.

Hmm? I'll get a loan from my mother.

Yea!

Life is a cabaret, old chum

Only a cabaret, old chum

So come to the cabaret

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I should watch where I'm going.

That's okay, doll.

I'm Connie.

I met you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm here to

take Robert out for lunch.

- Just, you know-

- That's nice.

Well, he's my brother, so-

Take him out-

Take him out to lunch.

Well, you're nice.

Well, you're-you're nice too,

you know. Uh-

I mean, uh-

- You know, uh-

- Hello!

I'll be right down.

What?

Ayayay.

I have to go to the show

after lunch, so I dressed.

Is there a problem,Jeff?

- You wanna cancel?

- No. No, no, no.

- I'll be right down.

- Oh, boy.

Take him to the Tube around the

corner. The owner's one of us.

People won't stare as much.

Thank you.

Sure.

You like my garbage?

Um, uh, a little bit.

Anything good in there?

Hey, sweetie.

- Robert.

- Nails.

Nails.

You coax the blues

right out of the horn, Mame

Mame

You charm the husks

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