Connie and Carla Page #5

right out of the corn, Mame

Tibor!

Mama's Pizza!

Knock it off. You're telling me

you found them, right?

Uh, Rudy, no, not yet.

Come on!

Hey, maybe you put someone at Mexico

border to search for their car.

Mexico border? That's a great idea. I'll put

somebody at the Canadian border, or we could put-

You make

the cotton easy to pick

Mame

You give my ol' mint julep

a kick

Mame

You make the ol' magnolia tree

blossom with the mention of your name

You make me feel alive again

You've given me the drive again

To make the South alive again, Mame

Whoa, Nelly.

You okay?

- Yeah, are you okay?

- Yeah. Padding.

Oh.

Yeah.

- Robert's out having a manicure.

- Oh.

Mm-hmm. Here.

Wanna come over?

What?

No, no, no, no. I have

something- I have a-a-

You know, I got a prior commitment.

No problem.

Um, you know the other day

when I said that you were nice?

I- I meant it.

You are- You are very nice.

I just- I just meant it, um,

a friendly way,you know?

I'm-I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

What?

Nothing. It's complicated.

I bet.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Good.

All right.

See ya.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, do straight guys

drink coffee?

- What do you do for a living?

- How long have you been a drag queen?

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I just-

I've never known...

a cross-dressing person before, so-

- You know your brother.

- Oh, yeah. Well, no. It's been a long time.

- Yeah. It's hard.

- It's hard, but I'm a bit of an optimist.

Me too. I

- I'm stubborn, you know? I don't give up.

You know, I wasn't always

in a successful show.

And I had-

I had this friend.

He told me to give up.

He called me a dreamer.

- That's not very nice.

- Yeah.

I know.

- I gotta go.

- Okay.

I just wanna know why you do it.

Why-Why you like to dress up? You guys.

Oh.

I'm sorry, that's personal.

No, that's okay.

It's- It's kind of like this.

It's like dressing how you feel inside.

You know?

You know what,Jeff?

I haven't known your brother

for very long, but I think-

I mean, I think, he's happy.

We've only got one life.

It's just a little strange that my

brother's out getting a manicure right now.

What, haven't you ever had one? God, no.

Well, you live in L.A. Everybody gets

their backs waxed and things plucked and-

I don't pluck.

I- I've never been plucked.

And-And I don't do manicures.

Relax your hand.

I'm relaxed.

Wait- Look at it.

It's like a claw.

- Okay, I'm relaxed.

- Open.

No polish though.

Deal.

- And?

- Nothing.

Oh, come on. Spill it.

- All right, but only 'cause we're talking guy to guy.

- Right.

- I've been seeing this woman.

- You got a girlfriend?

Oh, no. I'm gonna propose. I mean, we're at

that stage where I should make a commitment.

But, uh, I'm not really sure if we're right for

one another. I mean, she doesn't make me laugh.

Oh, you gotta get out.

You gotta pull the cord on that mission.

Abort. Wah! That could just be me being

afraid to take it to the next level.

You know, I had this girlfriend once who

told me I had issues about getting too close.

I stopped talking to her.

Have you told your girlfriend

about Robert?

- No.

- But you're going to?

Oh, yeah.

No.

Well, maybe.

No.

I really gotta go now.

This was fun.

I've never missed a day of work.

I work all the time.

Oh,yeah. But, it's

nice just to hang out.

Thanks for the manicure.

Don't tell anybody.

Okay.

Aren't you nervous? How can you eat at

a time like this? I can't believe it.

Oy, is there lipstick on my teeth? No.

Liar.

Let's go.

Chickapow!

Chickapow!

Where were you today?

Hmm? You were supposed to meet me.

I thought

we were gonna go shopping.

You know, Carla, maybe we should

watch our weight a little.

I mean, we practically need olive oil

to grease the zippers on these costumes.

What? Don't go all L.A.

on me, Connie.

All these women come to our show

and idolize us...

because as men we have better

female self-esteem than they do.

Boy, you have some nerve.

Are you all right?

No! I was at that mall

all day by myself, Connie.

People stared at me.

I felt naked.

I can't hide out like this much longer.

I need to get out of this closet.

Well, you can't.

Let's go.

Polar bear walks into a bar

and says, "I'll have a... beer. "

Bartender says,

"What's with the big pause?"

And the polar bear says,

"Always had 'em. "

You suck.

You're outta here, Brad.

All right, uh, well, please welcome Connie

and Carla and the Belles of the Balls.

Let me entertain you

Let me make you smile

Let me do a few tricks

Some old and then some new tricks

I'm very versatile

And if you're real good

I'll make you feel good

I want your spirits to climb

So let me entertain you

And we'll have

a real good time, yes, sir

We'll have a real good time

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Welcome to the show.

Aren't we all divine?

All right, here's the show

we have planned for you tonight.

Wait! Wait! Stop!

I have an announcement to make.

It's time you all knew.

Carla, don't.

I... am...

an eater!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

and soon we're gonna be

a full-service dinner theater.

This is what America needs. To eat and

watch a show where real women are real women.

If you're naturally slim, fne.

Okay, but come on.

Starving ourselves to get thin. No hips, no

breasts until we look just like little boys.

Girlfriends, big or small,

thin or fat, worship that body.

It's the only one you've got.

Hit it!

So

Let me entertain you

And we'll have

a real good time, yes, sir

We'll have a real

- A real good

- Time

Good night, Stanley.

Ow!

Oy.

Oh.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Cotton absorbs.

Um.

Surprised they don't

market it like that.

Mm-hmm.

I- I'm looking for Robert.

His cell phone is off. Is he in there?

No, she's gone.

You missed our show.

Oh, I'm not ready to see that yet.

No offense about your job.

None taken. It's not like I'm itching

to come down and watch you flip burgers.

I'm a fnancial advisor.

Of course.

I can smell the stress on you.

I'm not as uptight

as you think I am.

Yes, you are.

Hey, bartender, I'm thirsty.

Hey, hey. Why are you

- Why are you different when you're away from all the other drag queens?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, it's like there's some kind of...

drag queen code of behavior

or something, you know?

It's like-

Stripes?

Mary! Holy Martha Stewart's

prison collection.

I- I-I got three words for you, Miss Thing.

No, no, no and-

Four words. Yesterday!

It's ridiculous.

What is that?

What? What was that?

Oh, please, don't make me do it again.

I think I pulled something.

I mean, I wanna fgure it out.

I really do.

I mean, are you-

What's the thrill?

Are you hiding?

Actually, I am hiding.

Yeah?

Some murderers are after me

and I'm hiding out as a drag queen.

Really. Really, I'm asking you really. I'd like

to know. I wanna fgure this whole thing out.

Is this the real you,

or are you playing dress up?

You understand?

Are you- Are you playing dress up?

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